Why do the hens have to pay for the bride?

[Laurendelaney1987]

DH and I married young. My hen night was a curry and then night out in local nightclub.

the last 15 years I’ve went to a mix of hen dos. What I notice is sometimes the bride wanting a big deal of a hen do (ie weekend away in a UK or European city) but it’s to be a “surprise” location (ie the bridesmaids organise and the guests end up chipping in for the prices costs)

what was wrong with just a local night out?

I organised a hen do, we paid for brides activities and some drinks plus I paid for snacks and drinks in our room
while we got ready. Bride was really shocked when we checked out that she had to pay for her hotel room. It didn’t occur to me that we would be expected to pay for that.

conversely I’m in a WhatsApp group where bride has sorted accommodation and the per person price she has quoted us includes her paying her way.

I got married over 20 years ago and it was food and drinks in be nearby city and train home at 8.30. Minimal cost, I’m sure I was bought a drink or two but nothing more.

Some of the best hen nights I've been to (including mine) were in town centre pubs or all you can eat buffet restaurants followed by a tacky nightclub, followed by a takeaway on the way home, or wine and crisps at 3am at the hen's home.

Sometimes there was a hen night for friends and family, and a separate night for work friends.

Aahhh I don’t know…I think it’s quite nice to have a one off surprise in your life with loads of your favourite female friends? I would never have expected it and I always said I don’t want a big hen do because I felt awful about people paying too much but my bridesmaids arranged and surprised me with a weekend abroad and it really was incredible and everyone got along so well that we didn’t even go out the first night, we were all enjoying ourselves too much chatting and playing games!

I’ve also planned two hens where we’ve paid for the bride but everyone’s been in agreement to and there were always 15+ people who we were pretty close to so I think that helps with splitting the cost. We were all young without children and very sociable at the time as well, I’d imagine it would be difficult to recreate had we been the age we are now with children 😅

There's nothing wrong with a curry and a night out, there's also nothing wrong with making a big event of it.

The way I see it is there are very few events as an adult you can be self indulgent, make a big fuss of yourself and have all your favourite people together. Your hen do, a wedding, maybe a baby shower and some milestone birthdays. The only time I draw a line is when it puts others out significantly financially and logistically, but I have 0 issue spending some money and travelling for others hens and weddings as I had such an amazing time on mime, others deserve to feel that special too.

My two favourite hen do's have both involved staying in a house with a few friends. Cooking and eating together, having a few drinks, going for walks etc. Nothing over the top but truly lovely and really affordable. Everyone chipped in equally for everything and it was worth every penny. If I ever get married, I'll do something similar

What a wonderful post!
And what a treasure of a man!
Thanks so much for sharing xxx

My hen night was a curry followed by a night club. My meal was kindly paid for by the hens and I bought some drinks for the table. We had a great night out.
This was in the mid 1980s so expectations were simple back then and before hens and stags did weekends overseas.
We were quite young when we married, early 20s, so money was tight and we'd bought our first house the year before, so nights out were rare.
Nowadays people get married later in life and have more time to save up for their wedding. Expectations are much higher too.

I love a hen do! I have never been to an abroad one but been to plenty of away hens in big houses all together. I think I’ve been to at least 6 or 7 and a couple of ones in the local city. I think the difference is it’s always been for close friends and we usually try to get away at least once or twice a year as a group anyway. The only difference being we celebrate that person a bit more. I don’t mind paying for the bride (within reason) as the hens I’ve been to have usually had a fair number of people so it dilutes the cost of the bride.

Also helps that out of all of my friends only one has children and the rest of us work full time in fairly well paid sectors. But we also get a budget ahead of time that people are comfortable paying etc.

Also as a previous poster said we are all actually friends so talk to each other and would never fall out with someone if they couldn’t afford or didn’t want to come.

I voted wrong by accident! Yanbu! I'm happy to pay for a brides portion of a simple hen but when they're asking for a holiday or something very expensive then they lose me!

In the past when friends have done away hens we've paid for one night out and dinner on the holiday. It's all got very ott now and when you add up the cost of being a guest at a hen and wedding and the annual leave being used its just crazy!

A group of us which included my TWO bridesmaids went to the pub and then went to the club we went to quite a bit anyway. We did have a table reserved with "champagne"... And I did get hauled up on stage with all the other hens and stags... But otherwise it was just a night out with the girls.

I think we all just paid our own way... I don't get these elaborate and expensive hen dos.

I don’t really understand the “oh we are friends”. It’s fine if it’s a small group of close knit friends and you’re all friendly. I can be totally honest and open with my friends. The issues arrive when the maid of honour is a friend’s sister sister or cousin, so we don’t have a close relationship and it’s harder to say “Jane, I think £500 for a long weekend away in July is too much when most people have childcare commitments and not everyone is a high earner”.

People are ignoring the fact that my generation were more likely to go to uni and move for jobs. None of my friends have all local friends. A third of my hen do attendees lived locally. The rest were scattered across the country. That’s why people don’t just go out for a curry. I’ve been to single day hens but I still have to pay for a hotel and travel.

I had a BBQ in my parents garden and hosted everyone there for food and drinks. It was lovely. 🤷🏻‍♀️ That said, I had to travel to them as I’d moved countries at that point and my ‘hen do’ was mostly just friends from where I grew up. Mostly because they couldn’t afford to attend the wedding anyway (which was in the country where I live, not my home country).

This is the reality that people ignore when they want to act like a local curry is automatically a better option.
Out of every hen I’ve been to in the last 8 or so years in no cases were all the friends local so a cheap byob restaurant wasn’t on the cards.
All were a mix of home/ school friends and uni friends from across the country.

How heart-warming this is. What a lovely guy. Such care...and a hat for the kitten!

Lovely memory for you, he sounds wonderful. Funnily enough the best hen-do I’ve been to was my friends one not too long ago which took place in her garden. The only cost to us was £20 each towards food so there was loads of people there. Started early afternoon and almost every single guest was still there and dancing at 4am because it was so fun!

So much better than £600 weekends away that only a couple of people can afford, where you spend the entire time feeling slightly resentful that you’ve spent so much money to only do things that one person chooses.

It is ridiculous and I don't entertain it, the same as weddings abroad, no need for it. If you want to get married abroad fair enough, but don't expect me to pay hundreds to attend it.
A simple night out sounds fantastic.

Aw 💛

Perfect!

This. I think two thirds of those I’ve been to involved people flying in from other countries, hence sometimes all meeting somewhere ‘centrally’. I mean, if I had a ‘night at a curry house’ hen now, most of my friends and both sisters would have to get on a plane. Local to me is not local for my closest relatives and friends.

That works wonderfully if you are a small friend group going away together. But not when there are is a large group who are made up of the brides various different groups of friends and family.

you can choose your friends. But not their friends

Definitely not a recent thing in Scotland. My
mum and aunts had one. It was a “show of presents” in their mothers house followed by a night in local pubs and men giving the bride a kiss for money in the potty

what was wrong with just a local night out?

Nothing. I went for a nice Italian meal and some drinks.

Todays hen experience are absurd.

I’m so glad I’m past this stage. The cheeky expectations some hens have is completely outrageous.
I have a friend who INSISTED we must all go abroad somewhere very expensive. She was one of the first to get married, one of the wealthiest, and didn’t appreciate that at that time her friends were pre-kids and could (begrudgingly) afford the hen do, pre-hen do (not even joking….), dress fittings, etc etc. It made me laugh a few years later when she was mid divorce and broke and one of her bridesmaids was now getting married and demanding a hen do abroad and she in all earnestly came to me to complain about the unreasonable expectations of her friend. LOL!

We’re most of us all tied down now with kids and any weddings are second marriages. It’s a much more relaxed low-key stage of life in that regard.

I do think it's wrong that the other hens are supposed to pay for the B2B when it's more than a meal out or a small share of a cottage.

However I also hate this mumsnet trope where anything more than a bag of crisps and some shandy in the local pub is seen as disgustingly wasteful.

I had my hen which I organised myself in a very cheap Lake District hostel type place, but now my friends and I go away on foreign weekends at least once a year because we can afford it and we enjoy it. If friends want a foreign hen do well good on them as long as they don't mind those who don't want to go saying no and you aren't expected to eat the bride's cost as well as your own.