Why do the hens have to pay for the bride?

[Laurendelaney1987]

DH and I married young. My hen night was a curry and then night out in local nightclub.

the last 15 years I’ve went to a mix of hen dos. What I notice is sometimes the bride wanting a big deal of a hen do (ie weekend away in a UK or European city) but it’s to be a “surprise” location (ie the bridesmaids organise and the guests end up chipping in for the prices costs)

what was wrong with just a local night out?

Omg this happened to me. My first hen do and for my best friend and we ended up in a “cottage” an hour away from where we live to go to a spa the next day on their most expensive day in the week. The whole thing cost me £400 as it was so expensive that people opted out due to this and the whole cost was split by the three remaining hens.

Do whatever you want, it’s your wedding. My DH and I didn’t bother with a hen/stag do at all, the wedding itself was more than enough of a party for both of us.

There does seem to be a generational element.

I’m in my 50s and most of the hens I went to were fairly low key. A man in my team (30s) has been to two stags abroad this summer plus one wedding. It’s a lot of money and annual leave, especially when you’re at the wedding season age.

I hope the cheap and cheerful thing takes off too.

Had a surprise European hen. Had a ball! 6 years later I don’t wish my friends planned something else, why would I?
I have planned and paid towards lovely hens for my close friends too, going out of my way to make sure they have a special time tailored to their interests.

I hate this ‘I’m so much better because I had a night out in Witherspoons and a curry chi At the end of the night, I didn’t even invite anyone because I didn’t want to be an imposition.’

Like, cool.

It's an arms race, oneupmanship to a certain degree, wanting as good if not better than the last one you went to. I'm personally not having one unless cocktails the night before count and back to bed by 11

Hen do’s and weddings abroad are so unbelievably selfish.

I'm with you. I planned my own hen, it was a 1 night stay in a UK city, including activities for £107 each. I did make it clear to everyone that i invited that I would not be offended if they didn't come, but this was my dream hen etc. In the end there were 26 of us and I had the best time! I have since been invited on other hens that I have had to turn down- multiple nights either uk or abroad, costing £300+. Both of those I was under immense pressure to go, and when I turned one down (pregnant and so wouldn't have made the most of it for £300), the bride to be actually stopped speaking to me.

2011 bride here, I also had a very simple hen, drinks at mine then on to the city for dinner drinks and dancing.

I really think social media has a lot to answer for. everyone wants the fancy photos for everything. Also if you see that's how lots of people celebrate their hens - going away and extravagance then a low key one may not feel good enough for you.

I honestly find it a PITA having to take weekends away to hang out with groups of women that aren't my friends spending loads of money.

I'm going back 20+ years but...

I've been married twice and never had a hen do, neither have the vast majority of my friends. Neither husband had a stag either. It just wasn't even discussed.

I've only been on two hen dos - both were an overnight in a city 1-2 hours away - meal and a pub crawl (one with matching T-shirts and a tiara, and the other...can't remember). I don't think we paid for the bride - think we just chipped in for the dressing up bits. Yeah it was naff but we had a good time.

I really don't get all this bride telling the poor chief bridesmaid what she wants and then chief bridesmaid having to organise it all (especially with poor organisational skills and getting completely carried away with other people's money).

Different times, I guess! I went to Liverpool in June for my hen weekend, my MOH organised it and we had a blast but I wouldn't have trusted anyone else to organise it as she knows me so well. I paid my own way for accommodation and travel, however they paid for my place in the activities they'd booked.

Are hen dos a modern thing? Never heard of them when we were married back in 1975. Some men may have had a night out with mates as a stag do, but that was it as far as I know. (My husband didn't.) Sounds to me as if it's all got out of hand with all these trips here there and everywhere, plus a huge expensive (stressful) wedding planned for months and months. It's the marriage that counts not the wedding. Ours was very small - 50 years ago and still going strong.

First hen was weekend in Bournemouth with 5 good friends - think was £150 all in - this was 2006

Drive sat am. Stayed sat night. Home Sunday

Dh sadly died

2nd hen was 2021 after being postponed several times due to lockdowns and did afternoon cream tea /bottomless bubbly tho those who wanted it for think 22 friends and family and was £25/35 each

And the 7 of us went to the pub after - think that was 4 of my original 5 so really good long close friends

The thought of going away for days on end and the cost is madness

But I paid for myself. Wouldn't expect friends to

My hen do was the night before my wedding. All my bridesmaids and mum and maid of honour (sister) came and spent the day and night at the wedding hotel. My make up lady came the day early and she did everyone's nails including my 6 year old niece who was very impressed with hers. My other half spent the day at the rugby with his best man and grooms men and they spent the night at ours. It was relaxed and fun and the actual wedding day the next day was the same.

I think if people want to do it, fine. However the expectation that you should do it or you’re not a good friend is the problem.
I’m single. I was once invited to a hen in a cottage in Devon with zorbing, clay pigeon shooting, etc. I was already paying to attend the wedding in Wales- I live in Scotland, so there was train fare, 2 nights accommodation, taxis to and forth from the venue, to think about. I had just bought my first flat and was skint- it was a big expense for me at the time. I’m not sure the bride ever forgave me really, she’s certainly never been to visit me or celebrated much that’s happened in my life. The whole thing was a bit hurtful, as I thought we were good friends.
I also know of a bride who stopped speaking to her chief bridesmaid because she wouldn’t arrange and pay for a week in Las Vegas for her hen. Just kicked her out of the wedding and never spoke to her again. That’s just appalling to me. There needs to be some recognition that people have other financial and time commitments in their lives.

Omg. That’s pretty much how my hen do was back in 2006! The heatwave! The garden! The BBQ! And the lads going off to the local pub halfway through. I’d just moved to the U.K. and he invited his friends’ partners. Women that I’ve now been friends with for 18 years…

Before I moved, my friends back home dragged to me a jazz bar where we smoked cigarettes and drank red wine as my ‘do’. Where I’m from nobody has hen dos weekend break style.

My sister (though I was heavily involved) organised a day thing, with bits that people could come to or not. I paid my own way as the Bride. But I know friends bought me some cocktails in the evening. My mum and MIL also came for some of it.

But attending the wedding is too. Last one I was a bridesmade at, I had to pay for petrol, accommodation, drinks, shoes, gave money as a gift. It cost me a fortune!

What's good about a local night out is that lots of people can come. Most of my female work colleagues came to mine (20 years ago) - I can say for sure none of them would have wanted a holiday with me 😃but they were all happy to come for a meal.

My hen was an afternoon at the spa. A massage or treatment each and a nice meal. I offered to pay but my bridesmaids refused. They all spilt the cost and I was really grateful. I did but them all some lovely thank you gifts in return.

I got married in 2000. My hen was a night in the pub. Pretty sure I paid my own way too. A much younger colleague is in the midst of the wedding period and has spent a fortune travelling to various weekends this year, not to mention the annual leave she's had to use.

I think it's a case of oneupmanship, and possibly for some brides, a misplaced sense of entitlement.

Some women find getting married doesn’t give them enough attention so they want a big Hen Do too.

Exactly.

I was asked to be bridesmaid once, and I said when I was asked that I was honoured, and I'd love to help them with the planning and to support them on the day, but I wasn't getting involved in any hen do, let alone hen do weekend. So clear, upfront, no drama, no-one doing anything they don't want to. Everyone happy.

Its like a competition now. Ridiculous imp.
I had night out at cocktail bar with besties and female family. Brilliant.

We didn't have one. It's greedy and entitled to choose an expensive trip and expect others to fund it, especially these days.