Why do the hens have to pay for the bride?

[Laurendelaney1987]

DH and I married young. My hen night was a curry and then night out in local nightclub.

the last 15 years I’ve went to a mix of hen dos. What I notice is sometimes the bride wanting a big deal of a hen do (ie weekend away in a UK or European city) but it’s to be a “surprise” location (ie the bridesmaids organise and the guests end up chipping in for the prices costs)

what was wrong with just a local night out?

The previous poster is right that people like different things, which in theory is fine. The problem is that it's more awkward to opt out of a hen do than other social occasions. People end up in the awkward position of choosing between (a) doing something that they don't enjoy and/or don't wany to spend the money on, or (b) not attending an occasion that's about supporting and celebrating with a friend. You might not feel it's too awful to spend £40 on a meal at a restaurant you don't like, but hundreds of pounds for a trip or even day/night out is trickier.

Oooh you may want to re-read and edit this post! 😢

He sounds absolutely lovely, sorry for you loss.

Everything is so extra nowadays, people now feel pressured to do anything other than small scale or local. My friend went on a weeks stag do to Thailand. They all had to pay their own way. I just don't get it tbh. I'm sure most people would be just as happy (and relieved) with just a night out. It's got completely ott rather like kids birthdays. Can't do a home party with sandwiches and musical chairs, it has to be a £500+ event! Bonkers. No wonder so many are in debt.

Yes, I have reported myself

No-one in my circle had or expected a hen do.

I’m 30 so of “that generation” and only know three people who haven’t gone too wild. The rest are on a mission to bankrupt me.

One was pregnant and just wanted a dinner in London (we’re from the Home Counties) followed by a sleepover at her mum’s.

Other didn’t even want one so we just ended up doing the quiz night down the pub.

Third is getting married abroad. Her sisters are pushing for her to do a hen night in Ibiza and she just wants a chilled night nearby as she knows rest of us are paying a fortune to be at her wedding.

Praying the cheap and cheerful trend prevails to save my bank balance!!

That is wonderful!
What a lovely man!

So sorry for your Loss.

@Widowedyoung83 -Your wonderful husband has had so many people on here being amazed at your Hen do. 💕
Sometimes the 'cheapest' parties are the best and most memorable.

One of the very best 18th Birthday parties we went to was in the house of the lad's parents- his parents were quite 'Elderly' {compared to ours}, more like grandparents, but they'd recreated a perfect ''Kids tea party'' -there was no alcohol, jelly, ice cream, sandwiches cut into triangles, and a trad cake- it was just lovely.
Everyone who went loved it..and remembers it years later.

@NQOCDarling You are not a fool.
Please stop beating yourself up!
You missed a key fact in your sheer joy at reading that post - a tiny oversight, not an unforgiveable mistake.
I'll bet that the poster is not offended at all, but happy to read your lovely feedback

Thank you for this. You're so kind.
I felt rather sick when I realised. It was insensitive though, and I am concerned more about upsetting her as well as offending.
Lesson learnt - re-read everything when on MN at a late hour!

I know someone who went on a 3-day holiday on one of the expensive party islands in Europe, because the bride insisted 😵‍💫 There were only 4 of them including bride, so they had to split the cost of the bride's trip between 3, as well as foot their own bills! Each prepaid £900 which only covered flights, a villa and deposits to get in to these supposedly exclusive clubs. With food and drink on top they spent something closer to £1400... Each......

The most galling part is the bride's family runs a big European airline company but didn't offer the hens a discount 😭

I don't think I like anyone enough for that, and I'm not sorry.

Absolutely nothing wrong with just a local night out!
I got married over 20 years ago, there was none of this nonsense.
You just had a good night out! We went to the nearest city.
It's so ridiculous nowadays with all your abroad stuff,or not knowing what's happening as your bridesmaids /maid of honour is organising it. Recipe for disaster lol, just leave it up to me as I want everyone to be able to/ to afford to come so we're all off down the pub 😬

A couple I know just got engaged and booked their wedding for a year ahead, the venue alone was £16000. They went to a wedding of some friends who had 5 best men and 28 bridesmaids.

I'm dreading what the hen and stag weeks will be. Nothing so parochial as a hen/stag NIGHT I don't expect!

I couldn't imagine being friends or close enough to people who would had these elaborate hen dos really

If it works for them fine I am not commenting but it just wouldn't work for me so it would be weird to go to them for me

My favourite one was at a comedy club normal night out one

Falling out is about specific people and dynamics, not whether they're having a big bash for a hen do.

If people fall out so easily then they're going to fall out anyway.

Normal, stable adults who are not crazy drama queens don't fall out over this stuff.

In functional relationships and friendships, if someone says "sorry, I can't come", the bride/ organiser either says "OK, no problem" or "let's do something smaller so you can make it".

I went to France for my hen do and it was absolutely lovely, and the three friends who came with me all genuinely wanted to.

We had a blast without any falling out over money because we respect each other's limits and consulted one another about what we all wanted. You know, like normal stable friends who like each other!

I’ve been on several hen dos abroad and we’ve always had to be pay for the bride. They’ve all cost a fortune!

I don’t understand where paying from the bride has come from - I get that weddings are expensive but the couple are choosing to have one. In no other circumstance would it be normal or expected for your friends to pay for your holiday. It seems so grabby!

Married in 2001 and lived in a seaside town. Went to local wine bar with friends. The ones who weren’t local stayed at mine. My dinner was paid for and then we went and danced mainly to abba at a friend’s house. I was asking them to travel to the north for the wedding and was very conscious of the costs. Fairly affluent group.

That's so lovely 🥰. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

I agree it's change I got married in 2003 and we had a local night out as did my friends. It was probably about five years later I got my first weekend away hen do invite and that was uk.

My second wedding in 2017 weeks had a uk dh did abroad. I did a nearby city. What I've also noticed is there's usually activities too which bump the cost up.

My first hen do will have cost about £30 pp and they probably bought me lots of drinks so I spent less.

My second was roughly £300 pp including spending money. I absolutely paid for myself.

Well if the ‘hens’ arrange it, and they really love their friend, they presumably want to do something really special and memorable for them. If the bride loves traveling or doesn’t get to do it much, or basically if, for any reason, the hens think she would like it, why wouldn’t they arrange it for her? It’s not that complicated to figure out. Everyone is different and sure, some people might enjoy more casual evenings. That’s fine. It’s also fine to plan a weekend or week away with your best friends abroad, to make memories for a really special time in the life of someone you love. That’s fine too. Everyone is different. Nobody is forced to attend a hen night. I’m not sure why there’s quite so much bitterness about more adventurous hen nights on Mumsnet. I’d happily go away with one of my friends because they’re my friend and I love them!

I think the bitterness may be because if you are struggling to find the money to do it then that struggle is highlighted. I've read posts on here where women say that the organiser doesn't understand that cash is limited and can become unpleasant. Some people don't understand that if the income isn't there then there is not enough money to save, even over a period of time. And then the person who can't go is presented as not caring enough.

@Widowedyoung83 that is probably the nicest thing I have ever read, so sorry for your loss

I arranged my childhood friends hen, but we didn’t pay for her, in fact bride and I paid half each for our other childhood friend who doesn’t earn much as we both wanted her there and knew she couldn’t come otherwise. It was 15yrs ago now but it cost £250 each for flights and 3 nights in northern Spain and it was the best weekend I ever had. Such fun. It doesn’t have to be mega expensive and I do find some brides go a bit OTT and I think some of it is keeping up with the Jones and going one better than your friends