To tell Children's Services it is a malicious referal from school

[UndertheCedartree]

So DD's school have today told me they are referring us to Children's Services. Ever since I made a complaint they have been trying to off roll her. They are not putting in proper support for DD leaving her struggling and then not wanting to go in the next day. Apparently this is all my fault. I feel this is just another tactic for me to be so fed up with the school I pull her out.

You sound a bit paranoid and defensive. You need to work with the school not against them to get your daughter the support she needs. At least by contacting SS they are being proactive in that and hopefully it will lead to an ehcp and more support for you, your daughter and the school.

I am a social worker, I remember receiving a referral like this once from a school. I worked with the family and understood from the child and parents what was going on, and ultimately my assessment was critical of services but not the family. It helped to get more support put in and for things to be done in different ways.

so it may not be a bad thing, although I can understand why you feel anxious and aggrieved.

Ridiculous!!!!

Children with SEN need a roof over their head and many parents have often been struggling to hold down jobs for years. What boss is going to let an employee be one an unpaid TA for their child?

I suspect school would also be happy for mum to leave provided she leaves her daughter in school. I would bet the issue is that op wants to take her daughter with her because her daughter is very distressed, and the school feel that the extreme distress is something that would be less evident if the mum left. Because the school think daughter is putting on a show because shes learnt it gets her taken home.
So school are trying to create a situation where no matter what, the daughter does not get taken home.

Ok, what do you think would help? A 1:1 TA? Or being in a smaller class with shared TA? Maybe a time out card so she can take 10 mins to regulate her emotions. Then the school may have Elsa support or zones and regulations sessions, or school counsellor? What do they offer towards mental health?
Does she need help understanding her ASD and why she thinks differently and reacts differently. Have you thought about getting help via Camhs?
I know a school where a parent sits in every lesson with her child, it is the only way he stays calm. It’s obviously not ideal but it’s working for them.

🤔Autism isn’t putting on a show.

Personally I don't think it's a bad thing having SS intervene. The school is clearly not able to cope and this has already been highlighted. That fact that there is no ehc plan in place means there no legal binding agreement of what support needs to be provided in order for her to attend school. SS may agree with you on this and kick off other support streams to enable you to obtain this (be warned at this point the school may say they can't meet her needs). If that's the case a specialist provision may be an option with an ehc plan. You need to work with them not against them, there's 30+ other yr8 children in that class that need to learn to not just your child - if the teachers are spending their time calming your child down it's not unreasonable for them to call in other support-SS. As @TheFireflies has said in her post, this could be the assistance you need right now!

No, but for whatever reason school don't support this childs diagnosis (i wonder if it was obtained privately) and some teenagers absolutely WILL go to extreme measures if they are phone /screen addicted and just want to be at home, in their bedroom looking at screens.

Sorry but I don’t believe it’s ridiculous and would give anything a go if my child was that distressed.

I work full time and would use my holiday allowance it’s just how I would make it work and lucky to have that as an option now my children at secondary school. It will only be for a short period of time and if it works and my child become settled and happy that longer terms means I can do my job more efficiently as won’t be picking child up from school all the time.

It is ridiculous I cared about my daughter and had the most caring boss you could want but she ran out of options to appease HR. She used up everything she could. Holiday and other bits and bobs does not stretch anywhere near far enough .

You haven’t been in that situation so don’t lecture others as to how you would do it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is also interesting to see how little non SEN parents understand.

As a comparison, my daughter (autism &ADHD) had a crisis at school at the end of year 3. Caused by lots of changes in school and class that were not communicated well. She had weeks of being very dysregulated, culminating in her being excluded multiple times over a few weeks.

The school worked with us to devise a plan to get her back in and support her to stay there. This included her having access to a sensory room at all times, having her favourite TA with her 1 to 1 at all times, her starting school before everyone else, using social stories to explain what was required of her, having a clear plan in place for the day that did not change, if plans had to change a careful approach was used to communicate. They also had a very specific plan to de escalate in the early stages of a meltdown that all staff were trained in following.

They supported us in getting an EHCP which we now have. Our daughter is now doing really well, all because the school worked with us and put the right support in place.

Op this sounds very distressing for all involved.

can I ask what they are suspending your child for? Is it refusing to attend lessons? Swearing and being violent?

do you have a family support worker? They can often help so much with school as they are there to ‘fight the battles’ and are not intimidated by the school.

could the school be asking you to go to reception all day so they can tell the LA that they have tried everything? The school obviously isn’t the right place for your daughter but specialist schools are so over subscribed and difficult to get into. They could be doing all of this to manage move her to a more specialist school. The more evidence they have for them not being able to meet her needs and trying everything the more chance they have to manage move her to a specialist school.

Try to embrace the children’s services. The more people involved the more chance you have of your child’s needs being met.

You can’t manage move to a specialist school, you need an ehcp to get into a specialist school.

Op. I feel your frustration and the school seems shit. I know schools can do no wrong in mumsnet land.

You are going to have to work with SS in a calm, evidenced based way. With as much written evidence as possible. I would suggest you spend a day and do a written timeline detailing all actions to date.

I would say this school is not right for your DD. It is 💩. But, you need to make sure she has the right setting to go to before she leaves. It needs to be on your and your child's interest. She needs an EHCP. I know you know that.

I work in a primary school, and we do similar with parents sitting in reception with their child, but it's the very first part of a graduated plan to get them back into some sort of learning. So 15 minutes playing card games with mum, 15 mins playing card games with mum & classmate/TA, 15 minutes playing card games with TA/classmate in library with mum in reception. Expecting you to sit in reception with her for 6 hours is nuts! An hour doing maths worksheets with her would be more sensible. However, I can see if this is their solution and you've not "complied" with it, how it could escalate to an SS referral. Just be honest with social services.

No the schools plan is ridiculous as the support has not been arranged in a productive way. OP's daughter is in the reception she is not in the classroom nor with her peers, how is she eve going to adapt to that situation of never in it?
She is currently getting no education, no support and no chance to even begin to settle. The school is failing OP's daughter and a parent would be failing their child if they accepted this 'provision.'

This type of scenario would not be a short time. It will go on endlessly as it is not being managed properly. What would you do when your holidays run out? Would you still happily sit in a school reception all day whilst the school does zero for your child but still gets to stay they are educating her because she is in school?

A parent camping out in reception is not a plan, is it a total abdication of responsibility by the school.

Exactly this! Many parents of kids with SEN will have used up holiday with appointments,struggles to get in etc long ago anyway.

It's really hard when children do not suit the school system, we had to work with the school trying different things to come up with a bespoke solution - we were offered a small unit or special education and refused as dd is very bright and deserved to study for GCSEs etc.

I lost jobs because I needed to collect her so often, it's tough

Eventually she had a desk at the back of the school office, a laptop and could go to classes if she felt able but retreat there as required, the office ladies kept her in tea and biscuits! I think bizarrely this kindness from the office staff was the key because she stopped school refusing and stayed all day, albeit not in classes. She got a*'s so it worked.

Trying different solutions is important because they are all individuals so what works for one doesn't work for another

a parent being in reception can work - it did with DS - but it won’t work for all and it depends on circumstances. For it to have any impact it needs to be part of a much bigger plan though not just “sit in reception and hope for the best”

I understand it not ideal but what if they are running out of options?
I just know if my child was that upset I would try it and see what happens for a week before looking into other options as something needs to change for that poor child and parent.
I work with a lot of adults who have been failed by the school system and wellbeing is always the key to their success.

Hi OP,
I do get it. I work on the other side of the fence in a secondary mainstream and I see students like your daughter struggle in mainstream. Some of the basic ways secondary schools operate are really hard for students with ASD.
I am frequently of the same mind as you that there really should be alternative provision for students with ASD. Your daughters school can't stop triggering her as they can't stop having sudden unexpected changes, to the timetable to the rooms they teach her in to assembly to well a lot of things.
I have worked in secondary schools for decades it has always been like this.
Primary is a much more friendly environment for asd students . 1:1 student is not usually a thing in secondary as the complexity of the subject curriculum requires subject specialists. Also all the research shows this sort of support creates a damaging dependency.
None of this helps you right now. Obviously you know if you get the EHCP you have the right to name any school or provision in your area.
I don't think social services will add to your problems they may even help.
And I am impressed with your resilience.

The amount of time it takes to make a referral… schools would not have the time to do this maliciously!

Add in the fact they have to provide.evidence at such a high threshold that referrals are rarely accepted… I would say that any referral made by any school would be done in good faith.

Me being on site would have made it even harder for my dd.She would have been mortified.

I thi k we all know that there’s ‘complaining’ and there’s ‘complaining’ don’t we?

Most grievances get sorted via a conversation in a HOD or SLT member’s office or email follow up. Not a call to SS. Would love to hear the tone and nature of this ‘complaint’ and whether this mother has previous.