If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

What the hell is this thread.

OP you make no sense, you’re not attracted to man who can’t financially support you and yet you confirmed your partner for a long time couldn’t do this. Confused why you were with him as you couldn’t have been attracted to him.

You were raised to stand on your own two feet, but have clearly never done this at any point in your life. The thing is you will never understand what it’s like to be successful in your own right. You just can’t and don’t get it.

If I were looking for a partner now, sure I’d want to be with someone who has ambitions, I couldn’t be with someone who’s lazy with no work drive - but no I don’t get attracted to someone based on their finances. Probably because unlike you I’ve stood on my own two feet and provided my entire world.

Recently lost my job, DP main earner, 3 DCs all now in school FT. I'm daily - sometimes every few hours, searching for new jobs because I HATE not having my own independence and identity there, instead of just "mum" & contributing to our life in whatever way I can with an income, to help take the full pressure off of DP. I'm also so bored and there's only so much cleaning around this house I can do before I make myself ill.

Each to their own though, eh OP. Some of us LOVE being ambitious and want to achieve things for ourselves. Please don't feel sorry for us 😘

my OH was made redundant after 25 years and has gone back to a minimum wage job. I now earn more than him, significantly more, the tables have turned.

I have never relied on him for anything, we split bills and rent down the middle. That's how we like it. If i want to buy something I don't need his permission and vice versa. If I want to take out a loan or credit card the same applies. In fact I have no involvement in his finances and him in mine.

I pay my way, have worked bringing up all 3 children (1 his 2 mine), have my own car, pay for my own holidays, its a partnership. I couldn't think of anything worse than feeling like i depended on someone else.

Don't get me wrong, if he was a millionaire then I wouldn't have a problem with it, pass my the cheque book (lol showing my age) but yeah, I couldn't rely on someone else

As a feminist I find your attitude embarrassing and off putting.

yeah lets throw in ADHD to get sympathy & justification for asking such a provoking and ignorant question!!!

I salute all SAHP because I did it for a couple of years (one forced due to redundancy) and found it boring and tedious. All the grunt work childcare, cleaning (which I was just shit at) - I just hated it and felt my brain was going into some sort of inertia.
My DH probably could 'keep us.' He's always been well renumerated in career, however, I love him for his decency, cleverness and being kind.
At some points I haven't worked. He has also been between jobs - we are a team.
So no OP, I don't agree with you.

YANBU to have your own stance on this and to find whatever you want attractive in a partner.

However I can’t imagine much worse than being a SAHM, I would have found it unfulfilling and as boring as shit. I was also raised to be independent and earn my own money, and not to be dependent on some
man.

I understand the ADHD situation. My DD15 has ADHD.

But you are making yourself extremely vulnerable.

I see it on here all the time.

Women who have been a SAHM for years, the husband then wants a divorce, assets are separated financially but the woman has very little means to then run that household and pay the bills as they haven't worked in years.

Why would you put yourself in a position of vulnerability? With no financial autonomy or pension.

Oh and spousal maintenance is rare in the UK, judges prefer a clean break.

Oh sweet Jesus. Bore off with the comments about other families and their working situations. I don’t care what job someone has (and SAHM is a job) but you clearly needed a boost today with this “humble” brag, so something isn’t right in your life.

Out of interest, do you cook a romantic three course meal in exchange for a shag each day?

First paragraph makes me 🤮
"Present parents" I agree with but that doesn't mean you have to spend every minute of your day playing house whilst they are at school. I am present for my children but I also WFH. Equally doesn't the father need to be "present" for his children too?

I feel sorry for women with outdated, sexist, views, frankly.

Do what works for you. Save the pity for people who need it.

He also finds a woman attractive who can run the home.

Argh, holy fuck. 😳

I find wealth can certainly be part of the attraction to someone but not someone who uses their wealth to try and buy you

But have never and would never want to be a kept woman and I certainly do not pity women who work. I feel sorry for men and woman who are in jobs they are very unhappy in and they can't move on for various reasons.

I don't find poor men attractive no. Part of the attraction of a man is that he's a good provider.

I hate the thought of living off anyone, so it's not really a factor for me.

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who didn't provide for themselves though.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

You included women who want to work in your feelings of pity. There was no demarcation. Don’t backtrack; if you’re going to say silly things, at least have the conviction to stand by them.

YANBU in that you're entitled to be attracted to whatever type of man you like, although personally I would find it a massive turn off to want to be a kept woman and so would most men I know. Curious though as to why you don't feel sorry for all these hard working men, including your DH, that don't get to spend as much time with their kids as a result of working long hours to 'keep' their women? Or is it that your DH doesn't care and doesn't want to spend more time with your child? 🤔

Too late as almost retirement age. Just how I felt as I got older.

All the people posting spitefully on here - maybe think about why you need to post? What threatens you?

If OP said she was attracted to just about anything else - there would be very little interest and frothing.

YABU to pity women for working. You do your life how ever you want and whatever works for you. Quite shallow to define someone’s attractiveness by their salary. How do you know your DH wouldn’t find you more attractive if you got down from your golden tower and went to work to help support the family financially?

There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school

Did you ever consider that you have way too much time on your hands if you're aware of your neighbour's comings and goings?

This wasn’t a good idea op 😂
I will agree with you to a degree in saying that I find it attractive for a man to be generous, and to appreciate the workload of a mother.

What would you do if his business went bust? Would you work if you had to because your family had no money? What if things changed. Am genuinely curious! And would you go back to work when child is at secondary?? Am SAHM to child 2.5 years- I think I’ll be bored when he’s at school!

I think it would be better if women didn’t go around judging each others choices or circumstances.

I think it’s quite disrespectful to SAHP to refer to them as being ‘kept’. It’s a hard job and a big contribution to family life.

I personally work, this is what I prefer. My husband does earn enough to support the family if required as do I. He has voiced that it’s comforting knowing if he lost his job, we would still be okay.

Well fuck me, I thought this was 2024.