If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

So I’m a SAHP and this post is awful! I feel lucky to have time with my children as it might not be forever.
I don’t feel sorry for other mums who won’t work as I’ve have to sacrifice things to have this life. It’s REALLY hard work as I’ve done a full day before 7am.
this was a joint decision and it works for us both as we don’t have to pay childcare.
but I understand the importance of providing for yourself and I would just thing twice about how this post comes across!

I'm not sure how well this post will go down

Oh you know exactly how it will go down.

Your eyes are wider than the Watford Gap and you're fooling no-one 🙄

You know very well YABU.

I could say I feel sorry for SAHMs, having to spend all day without adult conversation, cleaning the house and playing housekeeper for a man, or I could say I feel sorry for a man feeling pressure to work in order to "keep" a woman who has school-aged kids and miss out on time with the children himself, but I won't because that would be rude and patronising.

Do what works for you and stop being so judgy.

Maybe not all women want to be 'kept'. There is also pride in supporting yourself, you know.

@sunshinesparklestar have you ever heard of true love??? not all men are cut out to be self employed!

Ah, alright then. But you've just decided to lump your neighbour in the "feel sorry for" rather than the "empowered woman" category then? Why? Why has your curtain twitching led you to that conclusion?

I'm embarrassed on your behalf, OP. What a sad, shallow existence, riding on someone else's coattails as a gold-digging sponger, and actually thinking that's something to be proud of.

DH and I could easily support our family on one salary - either of our salaries - but there's so much more involved than just whether it's affordable. And I imagine most men would probably find grasping, spongers deeply unattractive, so I suppose you're lucky that yours doesn't realise you're only interested in his money.

OP, I think if you have been on MN longer than 5 mins, you would know that you're 'not allowed' to say you find the idea of a 'provider' man more attractive than the alternative. It's the MN LAW.

You can find anything else attractive, but NOT that. Sorry.

But I think you know this.

All your thread will do is attract 1000 posts, calling the many women who don't work and consequently have 'provider' husbands (for all kinds of reasons and in all kinds of circumstances) all the usual and ignorant tropes that get flung about on here. The frothers will be out in full force, claiming disbelief and utter bafflement, laced with the usual nasty snipes.

Is that your intention?

I think it nice to have the option to choose whether you can work - It was something I desired when I younger as I've gotten, I valued my independence.

What I find unattractive is people who perpetuate unhelpful stereotypes that have negative impacts on both men and women, but especially women. Couples who choose to organise their affairs like that because it works for them, that's fine. It's those who view it as a NECESSITY for the man to go to work and APPROPRIATE for the woman to stay at home that is a problem for me.

I'm not wild about those who associate ADHD with not being able to work though appreciate the condition affects us all differently.

35 years ago, I was financially independent and a homeowner with significant equity and some family money. I had a very high income. I would not have found a man without an excellent work ethic appealing. That man could have been someone with a significant social conscience who earnt a third as much as me because I had already provided the head start and could have chosen to have time off as a SAHM due to my own efforts. It was an unlikely choice because my ethos is fundamentally capitalist although the man I married is moral and altruistic and kind, as well as an exceptionally high earner but the earnings were vicarious because he was penniless when we met.

I was fortunate to be able to have seven years at home when the DC were little. My DH could keep us and keep us in style. That didn't stop me going back to work when the littlest was in reception and later full-time.

I think your view is a little old fashioned and I expect my DIL and DD to carry on working, even if part-time, and despite having privileged partners.

So if you're not making any larger point you're just telling us you have a kink for money. Good for you but why on earth did you think anyone else would be interested? It's irrelevant to my preferences, values and life; all I think is that you have boring, conservative taste.

I'm attracted to men with toned chests but that's not exactly worthy of starting a thread about, is it.

Got it in one.

This has turned really nasty - I'd hate to read this if I was a woman who didn't work outside of the home.

Wait…he couldn’t ‘keep’ you when you first got together? However did you get over how unattractive that was?
You aren’t making much sense really.

Nothing more attractive than a blatant gold digger is there?

You admire them, but also feel sorry for them? Which is it?

I’m all for people (of any gender) staying home/working/having any household setup that works for them. However, the assumption that all (or even most) women want to stay at home and be supported by a man is a bit nuts.

How does this even manifest, in the wild? When you go to the GP (random example), if it’s a woman wearing a wedding ring, do you think ‘poor thing, her husband can’t afford to support her. She has to actually use her many many years of intense education and qualifications’?

Also, as you seem to think your ADHD justifies your inability to hold down a job - does this also apply to men with ADHD? Are they exempt from the requirement to support their families, or is the ADHD exemption only applicable to women?

Finally, why is your attraction to men other than your DH a topic so dear to you that you require an MN thread about it?

It’s funny, isn’t it, how differently people see things.

I feel sorry for women who don’t have jobs or something fulfilling outside of their family role (I know women who don’t work but are studying, or passionate about raising awareness through unpaid activities).

I find it unattractive when people have no sense of ambition.

OP, it’s lucky that you find “providers” attractive since you depend on being “kept”, having no means or ability to do so yourself. It does make you vulnerable though, and the lack of ambition is unattractive imo. I feel really sorry for your position. I hope your husband continues to be willing and able to be your “provider”.

Given what you’ve said OP, you are one of those people who couldn’t support themselves, it’s probably a good thing you found a man who’s financially successful and is happy to have a housewife who doesn’t financially contribute. If you hadn’t, then I guess you’d be one of those people who bounce from low paid job to job and rely on benefits to keep you ticking over.

Given that you probably had realised that about yourself, it’s hardly surprising what you find sexually attractive is a man who can give you the lifestyle you crave but can’t create yourself.

it may be the woman down the street who you feel sorry for because she has to work, feels sorry for you because your dh doesn’t a perfect six pack.

It could be she looks at your life and feels sorry for you because she couldn’t cope with not having her brain stretched and challenged and presumes you’d want to work but he won’t pull his weight at home so you can.

I'd find it very unattractive if a man wanted me to pick up all the paid work to keep him, and I treat others as I would like to be treated

I would no more expect a man to pay for me than I would expect someone to wipe my bum

I work.,.I have a career.
I earn more than twice my husbands salary.
Our children understand the value of education, qualifications, hard work.
I've made a difference to people- at home, and at work.
I've not sat on my arse letting the sisterhood down and pretending its 1950.
No need to feel sorry for me sweetheart- I do pity you though.
(FWIW- I have ADHD too. Don't be using that as an excuse)

You are under no obligation to find other people's husbands attractive.

😂😂 SAHM?

Whatever works for your family. I’d go stark raving mad if I couldn’t work, and I suspect my DP would find ‘keeping’ me a very unattractive prospect, not least because I think I would become very boring.

Do you feel sorry for men who don't want to work but have no choice?

Agree. I'm in publishing, and love my career. When I was off for maternity leave, I felt like my brain was going to mush. I have plenty of creative hobbies too, but it's like the sharpness was taken off the edge of my thoughts. Obviously tiredness played a role in this. I was so sick of the only people available during the day to meet, because all they wanted to talk about was kids stuff, meal planning, blah blah fucking blah. As though I'd gone from a successful and intelligent woman to a baby making machine overnight. Me and DH split all chores and life admin when he got in from work, and I told people this but still had them giving me "housewife tips". 🤢

Equally, when DH was injured and not working, he felt similar. He was so tired of his life being what went on within the house. Different as he wasn't on maternity, but it I remember him saying "it's like I'm an old man. There's only old men to speak to."

I love being independent. If either DD or DS came to me and told me their dream was to stay at home, I'd feel we'd gone wrong somewhere in their upbringing.