If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I'd love to see your life in 20 years' time OP. When your child has flown the nest and you're still filling your days by plumping pillows, sipping coffee and updating the dog's instagram. Perhaps a little yoga in the orangery. How incredibly unfulfilling and boring.

Do you not aspire to achieve anything more with your life than to spend it in service to your family?

Do you think that those of us who work outside the house aren't there for their children? How does your DH feel about "missing out on his child's life"? I bet he doesn't feel that at all!

Children only remember 'snapshots' from their younger lives. It won't make a button of difference in the long run whether you were a SAHM or not. You can have quality time with your children whether you're at home full-time or not. It's not about quantity. You could spend hours with your child distracted on MN for example. The time I had to spend with mine, I was very present. I've reared three into adulthood, and I am very proud of them all. We're a very close family.

And I am in line to get my 'reward' for all the years of multitasking in the form of a decent pension, so I am very glad I kept going.

Your child doesn't need you at home now. He's at school most of the day.

It's mildly irritating to have someone who has chosen not to work cast aspersions on those of us have. You are only using your child as an excuse really, because you never wanted to work anyway! Your child won't be superior to anyone else's because you've been in the same house as him whenever he's in it.

If I were your parents, having run successful businesses, I'd be extremely disappointed that you don't want to do anything other than stay at home! Isn't there room for you in one of their businesses?

Tell me what you brag about and I'll tell you what you lack seems to sun this one up .

How are you. Stay at home mum when your child is in school?

You're not a stay at home mum as the child's in education all day. You're simply unemployed.

Statistically he less likely to die and leave you loads of money and more likely to meet a younger model and dump you.

Do you still find him attractive?

No!! I went by size not season! And I managed to do it while working FT and rearing THREE children not just one!

Pat each other on the back then but what’s the point of your post?

.

Must have been within a particular community. Most of the men I met were at uni or after and I think all of them without exception would run a mile!!

🤣

That takes about an hour to do if that. What on earth are you doing the rest of the time?!

As people have said earlier this way of thinking is straight from MRA thinking. Yes there are many (deluded) women who buy into this very outdated thinking too. There's a big difference between being a SAHP when kids are little and maybe working part-time when they are at school (which could be either parent or indeed both) and what you are describing OP which is essentially a Stepford Wife.

Yes. It takes me 40-60 mins. 😂😂

I find that people who start threads about their lifestyle, knowing full well that they're going to get a hammering, are either goady and bored or secretly hoping they'll have people agree with them.

Did you hope you'd have people telling you what a good job you were doing of ironing your DH's shirts and meal planning, while he works or does his hobbies? Or that us working mothers would be secretly jealous? Because I can tell you, nothing makes me cringe harder than the idea of a life stretching ahead of me, filled with the mundane chores of babying a grown man, cooking dinners, and organising seasonal clothes.

My own DH wouldn't have touched me with a bargepole if I was expecting to settle down into a little wifey, either. We both know women like you and each sit there with gritted teeth clock-watching while they ramble about home decor and their DC's grades in school. Meanwhile the husband flips a few burgers on the BBQ as his contribution.

If this is honestly your life, I'll say to you this. It's not going to last forever. Not unless you're very, very lucky, because men who want a housewife organising their socks are not men who hang around. They don't respect women.

There's a whole world out there, beyond seasonal wardrobes and insta-cute homes. It's exciting. It's fun. It's interesting. But you won't find it sipping coffee and plumping cushions at home while the kids are in school. Then one day, you'll be old and grey, kids gone. Husband might still be around, who knows. There'll be nothing to talk about. You won't have a vast selection of friends, only friends of your DH, only a little insular world of home.

It'll be really, suddenly, very quiet.

I for one don't "organise seasonal clothes" ever. All the DCs' clothes live in one chest of drawers. I buy new ones as required and about once a year clear out the outgrown stuff, which takes about 40 minutes.

Talk about a task expands to fit the time available...

Being a SAHM is a valuable contribution to a household and especially makes sense when someone has ADHD and may otherwise not be a high earner as such. I'm also neurodiverse and find it dis heartening to see so many people with ADHD themselves who manage to be high functioning in workplaces looking down on those with ADHD who aren't so lucky when it comes to their disability and work. ND/ADHD itself can manifest differently for people and for some people, working can be a nightmare. People with disabilities often suffer high - or low level - bullying in workplaces, which makes mental health worse. Or they can't quite keep up with the work colleagues so appear lazy. Then when people with disabilities are finally pushed out of workplaces, people are then labelled lazy for NOT working. So in this ablist society, you can't win.

As for the "Oh he could leave you for a much younger woman who has a career" type of replies that were trotted out a few times, I find it bizarre as women that no one really questions on here the idea that it's an issue men even GET to do this, that OUR appearance somehow matters, relative to men who are also getting older as well as us, supposedly. We not only have to be equal breadwinners these days to be valued but how we look still seems to matter because, hey HE might get to leave!

I also tire of the glorification of working or needing a job to be an interesting person. Or the "What do you DO all day?" comments. For me I don't define myself by what I do for my paid job and would have a list of hobbies, interests and conversation topics in mind beyond my work. People can find meaning in so many different ways. True "independence" is having all the time in the world and enough money to support yourself for life, relative to the life you choose.

The seasonal wardrobe thing isn't done every week though, it's an end/ beginning of season thing.
End of winter check what fits/ doesn't, decide if it's handed down, stored, charity shop or sold.
I tended to do it as laundry was being put away, took minutes.
Check what's needed for the next season and purchase.
I think if the Op is ND this should be taken into consideration.
She describes finding her DH attractive for his ability to provide when really she had no choice but to marry a man like this.
It's very very difficult if you literally can't hold down a job and someone like the Op would be more vulnerable to abuse.
Op I think you mean you are grateful to your DH and he is grateful for what you do.
You don't need to put down others who WOH as a defense mechanism.
You are who you are

So you are a good happy team.
What about if he worked hard, but he did not earn enough to live on one wage? Same person, same level of effort and commitment from him, just not enough money.
For others, the good happy team reality is different to one working and the other making a home and looking after the children. Both work, both do chores and both look after the children.
What is a real problem is when both work, but most of the house and children load is still carried mainly by one, many times the wife. That is unfair and unattractive!

So he gets a job and hobbies and you get to organise your kids seasonal wardrobe and have a quiet coffee at 11am everyday. Sounds stimulating.

2/10

I simply cannot imagine being a healthy adult with kids at school all day, but depending on my husband and his Big Job for all my money. It makes me shudder.

But you have said yourself you don't actually have this choice as you can't keep a job due to your ADHD.
You don't have a choice but to seek out a DP who can 'keep' you as it sounds you wouldn't have a source of income

Excellent point

Having seen friends go through divorce in their fifties, it’s been an eye-opener. Yes the sahm wives of wealthy men get half the house and will get half the pension one day. They describe themselves as having ensured their financial stability during the marriage etc like we have seen on this thread.

But unless the men are enormously rich, these mothers of adult kids don’t then get a monthly allowance unless they have access to very good lawyers. They have missed out on 15-20 years of career development and don’t know where to start work-wise. Often becoming quite dependent on adult children. It’s not great to see.

Most people manage to eat and have clean clothes despite having a job. "Shipped off"...Personally, I think it's healthy for children to spend time with family and their friends at after school clubs rather than being constantly in the company of their mother. My children certainly actively apply for after school clubs to have hobbies and spend time with friends and I'm sure many others do too.

Most working parents are emotionally and physically there for their children too, certainly when the children are school age, there really is no benefit to the child of having their mother sat at home. How does that make you more present than a working mother who picks her children up from school? My mother didn't work & I absolutely feel my working has been a positive role model for my DD who sees what I have achieved & tells me she wants to emulate it. Working isn't the right thing for everyone & that's your prerogative but attempting to put down working parents isn't becoming. Your posts read that working mothers send their children to school in dirty rags, unfed for 12 hours a day.

VOM