If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

And he’s 27-28? Interesting. What does he do?

I'm not surprised the tabloid press has picked up this thread. 😅

I know, I'm a high earner myself, as is my DH. In that spare time we have, we both tend to adult responsibilities.

So, if he's got plenty of time off, why are you running around cleaning and ironing his undies as well as bringing up your child?

The thing is many women who work full time and have kids also on 30k which is outweighed by childcare costs. OP herself might fall into this category hence why she doesn't see working is logical. I guess being in the workplace means things can change.

This . Are we in 1920?

That's the funniest thing on the whole thread!!

I'd have thought that, with such a high-earning husband, one would have had the child's clothes in seasonal wardrobes so no moving around required!

What an utterly pointless waste of a life!

Are you from the UK op? You certainly don't sound like you were raised with the same values as I was. My mother would be horrified or most probably laugh at your post, and feel quite sorry for you.

It’s short term though and over a lifetime the childcare costs will be a drop in the ocean. Also if you’re on 30k in your mid 30s you might be on 50k 10 years later. If you give up work and then try to get back, you’re looking at re-entering at 30k. Also the older you are when you divorce, the lower any mortgage you can get, as you’d be on a shorter term.

I just find that SAHM's goading and looking down on WOHMs way more classless.

I, for one, applaud the OP for striving to make a healthy dinner when we're still on Ration Books.
I am sure her husband doesn't find her boring. What do you want her to do? Talk about politics? Men hate it when women do that, and quite right too!
Leave politics to the men, you unfeminine hags.

Or unexpected death or illness, then what?

Flip the discussion. Does your partner find it unattractive that you don't want to be financially independent?

Yes I am from the UK, I was raised by two parents who run successful businesses, definitely not raised to sponge off my DH.

None of these awful comments are getting to me, I have a large loving family, a happy marriage and I am genuinely happy with my life.

I really didn't mean any offence by my post, I was just wondering whether people felt the same as me or not, maybe I worded it wrong.

I also DO NOT feel sorry for women who work or want to work! I've said this multiple times, I have no issue who works in the family and who doesn't etc. I feel sorry for any woman or man who has to work when they feel like they are missing out on their children's life, hence why I personally find it attractive for a man (my DH) to be able to support me as I like to be at home for my child.

She only has one ffs!! Must have a fuckton of clothes 😂

Ha ha ha , yourself!

No, in traditional hunter gather populations, the men "up' their calorie return when the women have young children, especially if women have children who are under eight and the wider community also support the family- grandparents, siblings etc- most likely female family members. Women contribute but less so but of course still contribute. I guess the stronger, fitter more able your husband the better you will thrive as a family. It's ridiculous to suggest that women just have no preference for for able men over less able- of course they don't!

No way would I ave married my DH and started a family with him if he was a useless prick!

Because it makes him feel "masculine"! What better reason could there be?
It is innate in a man to want to provide for his wife and family.
It is not innate in a woman to do that. She must find a man as quickly as possible!

Jeez, did the fact I had to go back to work full time (I was part time till youngest was 3 and hadn’t intended to go full time till they were at school) to become sole breadwinner because my husband got sick 10 years into our marriage , mean I felt attractive and masculine

And I sure as heck wasn’t “making my own money” as if it was a jolly empowering exercise- I was paying off debt, keeping the roof over our heads , and paying the bills . AND being effectively a single parent to our 2 kids cos he couldn’t cope with that either. Oh, and being dumped on by mental health services as his “carer” in my fictional “spare time”

you’re full of sexist twaddle. I’m sure your dh, like me, sometimes panics about what would happen if he couldn’t work, what if he suddenly hated work and wanted a step down the career money making ride, what if he got burnt out, what if he got sick? Do you really understand how much pressure that pts on one person? Year after year? And knowing that pressure will continue becuase you aren’t saving for a pension either, so even after he retires he’ll still be supporting you?

I do know how that feels. I was balancing the reality of resentment after years and years of him sitting by all day once kids no longer needed childcare during day, even though I knew he “couldn’t” work .

It’s not about what would happen if you divorce. It’s about you ensuingvyoure working as a team for your joint financial security. If you’ve lived in a naive little world where shit doesn’t happen in your life where people can’t work or loose jobs, wake up and smell the coffee. At least do him the courtesy to risk mitigate what would happen if he got sick, burnt out, business folded/redundant or just plain wanted to share the burden?

@sunshinesparklestar You said in your previous post in this thread that your family supported you and your dh at some stage. It sounds like you are just very used to being supported all your life. Also you mentioned that your parents worked so much but also mention that they supported you and your dh financially at some stage; do you not see the connection there? They did that for you . Maybe the fact that you’d never worry about your dh leaving you is because you could lean on your family again. So there’s the irony in criticising how much they worked but hugely benefiting from it. Also if your child is in school that just means you aren’t working which is fine. All the working parents I know do all the nurturing you mentioned before AND work . When all of our children are in school including yours they are with other people. I do find it tiring as I have 3 kids also ( not one ) but my work is very engaging and mentally stimulating. I have great conversations with Co workers etc.

Okay the seasonal wardrobe part is quite laughable, but it still requires a parent to go through the children's clothes and organise them and work out what they need depending on the season? Do other people not organise their children's wardrobe and do a seasonal switch over?

Where???

AIBU to find a man who doesn't shoulder half the domestic, family & parenting work unattractive? I feel sorry for the women doing all of that and a paid job, and wouldn't settle for a man who expected me to. But I wouldn't sacrifice my paid work.

If I wanted a job as a live-in nanny-housekeeper, I could have that lifestyle AND a good salary with it. It doesn't look to me like you got a good deal.

@OneBadKitty I wanted to flag my earlier comment here as you keep saying it's natural selection for women to prefer men who provide more.

No - this isn't what the latest historical evidence suggests. All the latest evidence suggests it was young men and women (including mothers) who gathered for the tribe. The older and invalid people stayed behind and cared for kids

I organise my children's clothes, sure. And I have three children.

And yet somehow I also manage to work FT.

And cook "healthy homemade meals."

O yeah, silly me! I think I missed out on the ‘feminine’ genetics!

I have no doubt that you all manage to work full time and look after multiple children! I know it's doable.

I just personally don't want to run myself in to the ground if I don't have/need to. I quite like my coffee in peace at 11am on a Tuesday