If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

That is effing brilliant! If a little fowl.

True. I get that a lot. Until they meet my autistic son. Then they feel sorry for me I think. I feel sorry for myself sometimes. I don't feel sorry for mums with NT children going out to work, I envy them.

If you had 800k equity when you have young kids (hence you don't work), you would probably be mid 30s, nearly 40 and your dh is probably an investment banker or someone v wealthy so you could probably pay for a nanny from the start and might be likely to choose that .

Would it be possible for a stay at home mum to get a simple job after she discovers the cheating bastard and buy a home (outside London obviously) with say the 150k equity. Wouldn't she get 95% of childcare costs covered. Or is it not so easy.

I just go with 3 categories: clean, dirty, for charity.

Although if I ever quit work, maybe I could colour code and organise by complementary colour groups.

I don’t think there is need to feel sorry for working mums.We are ok out here I promise ! There is also no need to look down on SAHMs. OP is entitled to her opinion even though I don’t share it.different strokes for different folks. IMO it’s not wise to expect a man to be able to cover it all in this economy.

You do you OP! But no need to feel sorry for the working parents, I actually feel sorry for you. I think working parents are great role models for their children and would hate for my daughter to think she needed a man to provide for her.

I personally don't believe "running a house" is enough in modern times to occupy an adult productively all week while children are at school. So fundamentally, i find it a lazy choice.

I'd find it unattractive in a man if he thought that was all a woman was good for. I also tend to find that the sort of man who encourages a sahm often isn't particularly willing to spend time with their children or share in the chores at home, and these I find to be unattractive traits.

I love that my husband finds my work & my intellect interesting, and its mutual. I love that he regards me as a peer and an equal. I love that i contribute equally to family finances.

I had several offers of marriage. Never scared anyone off. They were all kind, hardworking and traditional family oriented men. Wanting a stable, loving family life is not abnormal. I love being a housewife and mother. My husband loves the calm it brings too.

Is there anything else you like about your rich husband?

I'm very curious to know... if you had met your husband when you were both in your 20s and he was still establishing himself and not able to keep you, and wouldn't have been able to support you to be a SAHM, would you have found him unattractive?

This made my day,thanks! 🤣🤣🤣

Yes that’s right. If you’re married to an investment banker earning loads and there are plenty of assets, you will be fine post divorce and well looked after. The risk comes to those where the family income is just enough for one person not to work but definitely still in the modest/normal bracket. Then you’re taking a mega risk because chances are you will struggle were the marriage to break down.

And yes if the mum got a job and therefore a mortgage she could absolutely get somewhere although it might involve having to relocate to a cheaper area. However you need to be realistic about what job you could get if you’ve had say 10-15 years out of the workplace. Let alone if you’ve literally never worked. If she has a degree and previous experience then hopefully she can get something paying maybe 35-40k but on that you wouldn’t be looking at a big mortgage. Maybe 150k so 300k for housing in total which doesn’t get you a lot in many parts of the country. I don’t think 95% of childcare is covered unless you’re on benefits.

My uncle ended up bedbound for life with a rare illness, if your husband got sick and couldn't work and his business went under because of it, would you dump him?

Almost as tragic as scrolling mumsnet.

I would too, and one is establishing herself in her career, second one is well on the way to doing the same. I would hate either to feel she had to give that up for some man, after all the effort and expense!

Equally, I wouldn't want my DS to have to knock his pan in working to support some lazy woman who just wanted to sit at home (which is exactly what the OP is doing, as her sole child is in school!)

I personally think a woman who doesn't have her own money is massively unattractive

What, you mean like you're doing???! 😂

I love my job and my career is very satisfying. I earn my own money and wouldn't swap my financial independence for the world. I love and enjoy my kids but really enjoy using my skills and abilities in the workplace too.

When my kids gots to year 5, I went back to work full time, even though my husband has a very good salary. This has developed independence in my children, it has also given me something to focus on outside of the home. Both of us are now putting as much as we can into our pensions, so we can both retire early. My DH has worked really hard and I don't want him to still be working in his old age
Buy me working full time this brings both our retirement plans forwards about ten years!

Personally I'd find it deeply unattractive that anyone would want to be kept by anyone else

And I'd find it deeply unattractive and resentful to have to keep my partner

Who knows your husband might think that about you

Totally a stealth boast.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/30568636/star-at-home-mum-husband-money/

I would love to be able to afford not to work. But my husband has a just above average wage, which means I’ll have to go to work on Monday- sob!
you’re very lucky, and if I’m totally honest, if I were in your position, I wouldn’t want to lose it either!
have you ever seen that meme of a woman crying and it says something like ‘when you married for love and not money’!! I’m not saying you don’t love your husband btw, but I relate to it so much 😂

Just so you all know my DH doesn't work all hours under the sun to support me, he has a nice life with hobbies he can do when he wants to and regular time off when he chooses. Most people on high salaries actually have a lot of freedom.

Most people on high salaries don’t earn their money they steal it.