If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I have no financial need to work but once my children were in school I went back to teaching. It gives me purpose, stimulates my mind and sets a good example to my children. I really don’t understand you think work is only for money.

Why do SAHP assume everyone else has a dirty, house, no dinner, never see their children and don't love their pets 😂?

I have a really good cleaning regime-DH does it !
I do shopping ( yes I manage that) and cooking
We shared care of our DC, he worked in IT so could flex his work around mine, I did compressed hours so only worked 3 days a week .
No childcare at all.
Very common in health care also
I feel sorry for these children who never see their high flying fathers, very poor and not something to boast about.
DH loved his days at home with the DC
Presume seasonally arranged clothes means jumpers in one drawer, tshirts in another?
Is it really that difficult ?

Oh and yes I love my cat the most

I bet OP didn’t think this convo would go down the road of coats and trans people lol.

I used to work with women getting divorced and have seen some genuinely horrible scenarios where women were left destitute after their husbands left them, often having racked up big debts against the home and moving in with a mistress and claiming poverty. None of those women thought it would happen to them. It’s no joke and there’s limited legal protection even if you are married. 90% of divorces even where there are dependent children result in no order for spousal maintenance.

"Is it instinctive for a man to provide for this family"

This is actually a bit of a myth. It's only modern society where we've had prescribed gender roles.

In early hunter gatherer societies they've found evidence that all the young men and women went out hunting each day (even pregnant women). It tended to be the older, frail members of the tribe who stayed home with the young kids, not the mothers. If they were young and fit they went out hunting too.

I mean, it makes sense to maximise our chances of getting food. But it's bizarre people think these gender roles are instinctive when actually men-work & women-care-for-home is a very new societal norm.

I'm trying to flip this AIBU and it's coming out as, 'AIBU to find a woman who works and doesn't sort my home unattractive?' Or worse, 'AIBU to find a woman who works out of the house unattractive?' It's not a good look, OP - what's sauce for the goose, etc.

There's been a fair few of these goady posts recently, someone somewhere must be short on copy 🤔

So we should all just act like mean girls? Everyone needs to chill the f out.

I’m out of here, these women are insane.

"What, you don't know how fighting with biology ends? Exactly the same way, each time. Disaster in the form of a working mother or elderly first time mother or a detransitioner, or a womb falling out of a female weight lifter or a skull crushed in a female MMA fighter, etc. etc."

All this disaster could be swiftly averted with a seasonal wardrobe change. Or via the freelance reiki healers.

🤣🤣🤣

You’ve just insulted every mother who has a job. Those who Juggle life to do the best for their family and be fulfilled. Well done. Your post was done to piss people off /show off/ make yourself feel better / whatever it was for. But don’t pity married women who work. Would you be ok with working women sneering at the SAHM sponging off their husbands?? No. I think you probably have some deep rooted insecurities as you know you are trapped in a marriage and couldn’t survive without your other half.
every woman, man, family is different. Who are you to judge and pity people?!

😂😂😂 I hadn’t thought of that - I was imagining an array of autumnal colours, meticulously replaced at the turn of the season with a new collection, not sticking coats in cardboard box!

Tbh in this day and age I think it would be strange not to consider partners earning potential.it was recently published that a single person needs to earn 75k to have a decent life in London based on today's rents That is a single person. You are taxed 40% on earnings above 50k. Statutory maternity pay is low.

It's easy to say that you should earn enough to support yourself and your children but the reality is many single mums struggle financially which tells you something about this plan..for a decent standard of living in large swathes of the country you need above average household income unless you have some other advantage like help from family.

At the same time expecting your husband to support you and kids financially is basically saying you want someone with family money or in the top 5% of earners (dh is top 10% on 75k and he can't afford a non working wife and we bought our flat in 2019 at a price far below london median house prices plus we had a good boost to the deposit due to living at home).. how can we all hope to date and marry the top 5% of men plus the inheritors (probably around 10% of the dating population and probably also a top earner). That is crazy.

Op might as well say she supports polygamy
.

Yes I am aware the regions are cheaper but they also have far more low earning men as well.

It comes across as mercenary to choose a man on the basis he can 'keep you'. It's one thing if it happens to work out that one of you staying at home suits you both, but making it a criterion for a partner seems misguided.

Interesting that she didn't enable voting, isn't it?

The idea that it’s worth giving up a lifetime of financial independence, fun and purpose so that your child’s wardrobe can be “seasonally sorted” is so funny I would swear it was parody if I didn’t know better.

İ find it a strange logic that you feel sorry for another woman for having to work, but not your husband for having to work. Maybe some weird sexist/misogynistic ingrained belief system that needs looking at?

If a woman told a date that she had absolutely no intention of working after marriage and thought it would be her right to be a kept woman because men have everything their own way (to paraphrase a couple of earlier posts) I'd be surprised if most men didn't drop her pretty sharpish.

sorry poster, I cringed for you there, imagine posting women work and become financially secure, value financial independence due to insecurity and a desire to prove equality. And that families who have a sahm have cleaners.

I mean that was just bad, so so embossing for you. 😂😂😂

until
i divorce you
i divorce you
i divorce you

which century did you teleport yourself from?

😂

Haha it probably is you know! I guess us working mums will never be able to provide a truly seasonal wardrobe 🥲🥲

Did anyone watch Love is Blind UK because there was a woman a bit like that on there and the guy ditched her because of it. I don’t think most guys grow up wanting to work their arses off while their wife swans about at home. The ones that actively say they like it tend to be insecure pricks.

You also say your child is looked after emotionally by yourself, but who is engaging with them whilst you're on Mumsnet?

Personally, I couldn't think of anything worse than doing housework and cooking all day every day and would much rather be in a fulfilling job alongside parenting.

In the religion of Islam it's expected that a man be able to financially support and provide for his wife.

Its also often expected to move in with the husbands family and for the wife to provide elder care for her parents in law as well as raising kids. So yeah she’d probably be too busy to work.