If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

"Nobodywouldknow"

What I absolutely ridiculous statement.
As someone who work in the offshore industry dominated by men working 90 hours a weeks and paying a stupidly high tax bracket for over 15 years but know because me and My husband sat down like adults and had a conversation that I would be a stay at home parent/ house wife because we have no family around us and I don't want my daughter at Breakfast clubs/ after-school clubs and only seeing one hour in the morning in one hour in the evening before school/bedtime. And before you say anything, it wouldn't matter if my husband left me tomorrow I have my own money and we have joint assets but my husband still pays for the majority of everything. I can sure you I take absolutely nothing from the state but it still taking plenty from my husband and me.

"On the day ISG (Tier 1 £3billion Main Contractor) went in to liquidation and 3000 staff are out of work. 3000 largely very well paid staff too.
Tone deaf!"

the thread that keeps on giving...,

Seasonal wardrobes and now this

This doesn't account for the financial benefits of growing up in a dual income household. We all know that future attainment is closely correlated with parental income or wealth. In today's day and age where people largely marry others from similar educational backgrounds, the earning potential of the woman is likely to be close to that of the man. So it is 2 times household income and that is likely to make a difference.

I have heard of women returning to work as receptionists to pay for the private school fees, that will probably have a lasting impact on the child's life. Hence why daughters of working mothers have higher incomes. I am a beneficiary of this as I graduated with no student loan and 2 working parents (dad could start his business as mum was sole earner for a year and that made him a millionaire)..OP herself says she has no earning potential and can't hold down a job so in a way this isn't a choice, just a sad situation. If she didn't marry it may well be the same but as she has a child it is socially sanctioned. If she didn't have a child she may have to be a dog walker or a freelance reiki healer or something to cover up for the joblessness which can be awkward cos many people may ask too many questions about how many customers she actually had. My SIL has adhd too as well as aspergers and she tries to earn money online but many people don't see it as a job. If she managed to marry and have a child, I would 100% encourage her to be a housewife and identify as such to avoid the stupid questions.

What, you don't know how fighting with biology ends? Exactly the same way, each time. Disaster in the form of a working mother or elderly first time mother or a detransitioner, or a womb falling out of a female weight lifter or a skull crushed in a female MMA fighter, etc. etc.

I doubt all these men you don't find attractive are bothered by your lack of admiration, OP. They’re too busy admiring their own hard working wives and partners!

You need a man to keep you?

That language makes me think of our family dogs, not a competent adult. frankly I’d find anyone who used it about themselves or someone else instantly unattractive.

Op I hope if you have daughters that you encourage more than this. Having a stay at home parent whilst children are young is one thing, promoting financial dependence on a spouse/ partner, as a way of life long term is another. There are so many opportunities out there. Women can have careers and raise children.

To get back to the OP, yes women find rich men "attractive", even if they're old and not particularly handsome, because they know they can fund a luxuriant lifestyle and they won't have to work again.

Why do you think so many rich old dudes can bag beautiful young women a fraction of their age?!

My DS also always knows that mum is there physically and emotionally, and he also knows that women can work and earn their own money at the same time. Win win.

" If she didn't have a child she may have to be a dog walker or a freelance reiki healer or something"

I guess that's the stark choice we face in 20/4. Children, dog walker or reiki healer...

Op is a bit different from other stay at home mums to be fair. She didn't want to work. Tbh if she didn't have a child she may not have worked at all but being a stay at home mum is socially sanctioned due to high cost of childcare and lack of flexible working..

Being a stay at home mum is easier than claiming to be a freelance pet sitter (not that being a pet sitter isn't a valid vocation), just that anyone can say they are one. Saying your husband earns enough to support you also deflects from why you need to be at home if child is at school all day you are a lady of leisure.

Yeah my son called me a ‘superwoman’ the other day because I work and look after him, they aren’t mutually exclusive and I want my son to respect independent women

You mean they are far too busy leeching off them? And then - oh, wait - cos they have too much time on their hands, they start affairs, to prove that they are still attractive with sahm they befriend. Like Miranda's Steve in SATC. He too, was trying to prove to himself he was still attractive to women whilst being supported by Miranda. Actually, it was almost like a documentary, SATC.

The problem, OP, is you're not actually only attracted to men who can support their wives well enough to be SAHPs if they choose to be. You're attracted to their bank accounts.

I assume you are being "goady", so I shouldn't rise to it, but you come across as smug, insufferable and condescending.

Why are you boasting about our child and pets are fed and loved, the house is clean, the meals are prepped and ordered, the child's wardrobe is sorted seasonally.
Do you think parents who work don't do this? They do ; they just don't make a song and dance about it. (Although "child's wardrobe is sorted seasonally" is hilarious)

I don't need to ship them off on other family, carers, after school clubs etc. They will always know that mum was there emotionally and physically and dad was able to be the best provider to give them the best opportunities and also be present in their life.

And as for this ^ pile of smug, self- congratulatory garbage- words fail me.

Oh and I know it's frowned upon to comment on spelling and grammar but your perfect life could be even more perfect without the grammatical errors.

And "prepped" is cringe- making.

Exit plan?! The exit plan is "he fucks off, I get half of everything!"

Even if I didn’t have a child I wouldn’t want to be financially dependent on anyone, be that my partner or a family member, what happens if they revoke the money the give you? No such thing as a free lunch… in my experience money is used to control others

I’m seeing exactly the same - mostly from the OP.

My brain would turn to mush and I think I'd end up with mental health issues if my life was boiled down to putting a dinner on the table , cleaning/ironing and seasonally organising my child's wardrobe.
Hugely admire you though for being fulfilled and satisfied by that

What is this waffle?

For people who don't fit into the conventional workplace but are flummoxed at the question 'so what do you do', these are the options.

She likes pets can easily say she takes the neighbours dogs out and they pay her enough. She can say she does reiki healing too. Or a doula. Understand there are probably lots of hard working dog sitters and doulas but you can do as much or as little as you want. Walking one dog a week still makes you a dog walker. Giving 1 reiki healing session to aunt mabel and registering as self employed still counts as a job.

But saying I am a stay at home mum goes down a lot better at dinner parties than reiki healers or dog sitters. Sounds a lot better.

It is not an equal partnership if only one person bringing in the money.

The person not earning are leaving themselves vulnerable if the relationship breaks down.

At the end of the day, the person bringing in all the money has the power.

We read it time and time again here on Mumsnet.

Many women don’t want to be supported to sit at home, especially when DC are in school. I really hope my own daughter aspires to make more of her life. By all means have children, but I’ve got a close relationship with my children, they all did amazing academically and I worked full time. I’m so much more than just their mum and a lot of my identity is around my role in the workplace. I can’t imagine my life without work. So no, I don’t find it unattractive if a man doesn’t earn enough to support a household one one salary as it’s the last thing I’d want anyway.

I missed the seasonal wardrobe sorting. That is utterly ridiculous 🤣

the child's wardrobe is sorted seasonally

I have failed as a parent! On the other hand, you must have peculiar children if their clothes still fit them a year later.