If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

Spot on, I could have written this post. Even if my partner was extremely rich, I would never financially depend on him.

'Why are you cooking, cleaning, and ironing his clothes? If he's working his career, your job is bringing up the child as you're a SAHM'

Because OPs DH has managed to convince her that as he gets paid she does everything else it would seem... I'm not even sure we have an iron TBH...

“A healthy home made dinner” 😆 oh god this is so tragic. Your life makes me sad. It sounds so fucking boring.

Also, I get a vague sense you’re feeling a bit snippy about people judging your life. Huh. Imagine that.

"In the religion of Islam it's expected that a man be able to financially support and provide for his wife."

@IYes - no doubt people will now pile on and be as vile and misinformed about Islam as they are about SAHMs. The difference being, if they denigrate a religion, at least this goady thread, designed to bring out the worst in everyone, might get taken down - we can but hope

In that case do you think stay at home parents should be embarrassed too?

What happens in Islam when the wife is perfectly capable of supporting herself?

I've worked with plenty of female academics who are practising Muslims and my doctor is a woman and also Muslim.

Islam isn't a monolith. Its aherents have all manner of different cultural backgrounds and beliefs.

Same! We just hang stuff up and wait for the creases to fall out. 🤣

If this OP is real, then she's in for a shock. A man who treats a woman like that isn't a friend to women. He'll be gone as soon as the shine of youth wears away.

If their children are in school and they are literally just at home all day then I can’t see any difference between them and someone choosing a life on benefits. It’s just that they are dependent on an individual rather than the state. I don’t think either should feel embarrassed as such but it’s not an ideal situation and society couldn’t cope if everyone wanted to do this.

Sigh, and now you’ve started belittling working mothers who use childcare and after school clubs.
My children know I am here physically and emotionally for them just like yours do. I cook healthy home made meals, we eat together, talk about our day. I read to them, put them to bed. Spend all weekend with them. I also have an high demand, high paying full time job. I transfer skills I learn from parenting to work and back again, I thrive on challenge…Everyone’s normal is different.

This thread is such a pile of poo!

Bloody hell. The Mariana Trench has nothing on you.

What happens when your child grows up. in 10 years time, they would prefer their friends' company to yours.

2 out of 4 of DMIL's kids don't live in the same country any more, which is the same ratio of my mum's children. DH is only in the same city as his mother because of me as I wanted to stay in London, if not it would be 75% of them not in the same country. tbh the reason why the last child is at home is cos she has pretty severe MH problems, if she could, she would be off too DMIL raised all her children, never used any carers and one of her daughters moved to a country when she knew her mum couldn't afford the airfare to visit.

This would all happen before the kids turn 25, I have also left my home country, my sister is still there though.

Wouldn't it feel weird to base your whole character on someone who wouldn't want to go on holiday with you by age 15 and who may only see you once a year in 20 years. what would you talk to your DH about- maybe child will call us tonight, lets wait for his/her call.

Which is why trad wives have more children, there is a higher chance of one or two children hanging about so that this whole setup can actually continue and not be devoid with meaning. with one child, the chance of that child leaving and not really hanging around is really high.

I’d have died of boredom if I’d had to stay home all day when my dc started school. It was bearable up to then, in a very rural area with no nurseries but the day the youngest started school I was out of the door job hunting.

Exactly this. I find it sad that there are people who’ve cultivated so few interests in life that their only outlet is to work. I’m educated, I read widely, I socialise and my husband and I never run out of interesting things to discuss. We play music as a family, travel widely, we attend church together, volunteer and we enjoy each other’s company. I don’t see how a job could enhance the equation.

Yes, but you're not talking about an equal partnership. You think that men should work and women should choose if they want to work or not, and go so far as to say that men who are not willing or able to carry all the financial burden as "unattractive". What would you do if DH came home and said that he wants to be a SAHD now? Because he's a man he doesn't get that choice?

So you only find men who can bankroll women financially attractive... Yet your DH was not earning much at all when you met? To the point your family had to bail you out?

So you didn't find him attractive when you got together? Your post is highly confusing, contradictory, and hypocritical.

What happens in my house at least is that DH isn't a cocklodger and we both have careers and decent work ethics.

OP what do you mean he's never with these people?

I think most of us are not judging/questioning the dynamics of your marital relationship but rather want you to be more financially independent of your OP. Is never a good thing to be reliable/dependent on another person except yourself.

Just remember your husband could easily hire another person to do what you done in the house but it will harder for your to get someone to provide you with the level of freedom you're currently enjoying.

Isn't Tradwife also that they kind of can't refuse or plead a headache if he wants sex?

Op. Bless your heart 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think you’re lazy and have no self worth. There’s no point in beating round the bush about it. You don’t need to feel sorry for me. I go to work because I find the idea of sitting in the house all day so fucking boring I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

I still do all the things you list as your role in the family. I do them well. The house is spotless, there is home cooked food on the table every night and my kids are straight a students. Don’t put your own short comings onto me. I work because I want to not because I have to

Pay no attention to the bitchiness on here. Some people hold no respect for a woman who enjoys looking after her own children, ironic as it’s not very feminist of them.

The data is still skewed on effects on child development, but we do know a happy well bonded mother and child (especially in the first year) is always preferable to daycare.

Just make sure you have an exit plan.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/insight-therapy/202002/the-deal-with-daycare-what-do-the-data-denote?amp

AIBU that I find you dim?

AIBU that I feel sorry for you that you need to be a SAHM because you clearly couldn’t hold down a job and financially support yourself?

AIBU that I find your view on life VERY unattractive?

I mean, if your happy good for you but I thought being attracted to someone was to do with their personality and NOT their bank balance (clearly I must be wrong 🙄).

To answer your question, yes I do think you are BU to only find men attractive if they can support you. But I also wonder…if you met your husband as a teenager (and at one point was supported by your family) how did you find him attractive?? Were you not attracted to him before his business became successful??? And if you did find him attractive before he became successful then your whole post is just stupid and instead all about ego and attention seeking 🙄

And what will you do when your child doesn’t need care anymore? Will you still fill your days cleaning and cooking? Most people do that and work, I’d be bored out of my mind personally for that to be the most I’m doing with my life.

Suggesting that parents who use childcare aren’t there for their kids emotionally or physically is insulting and pretty narrow minded.

I mean, I respect SAHMs since I have been one myself when DC were tiny. I just don't understand why I should care if OP finds my DH unattractive.

At the end of the day my child is looked after by myself, I don't need to ship them off on other family, carers, after school clubs etc. They will always know that mum was there emotionally and physically and dad was able to be the best provider to give them the best opportunities and also be present in their life.

My child is also looked after by me. I don’t “ship her off” anywhere, she goes to school. As do all children over the age of five by law as you know.

I also manage to earn money to keep a roof over my head and food in her stomach, plus other activities. My child is happy and healthy.

Don’t you dare suggest that people who work, usually not through choice, are not “there emotionally or physically” for their children purely because they are not adopting an ersatz family structure which most people can’t manage and most people don’t want. It’s untrue (demonstratably) and offensive.

You are entitled to build your family around sloth, antique ideas about gender roles the fetishisation of other people’s money if you want. But you don’t get to pity those of us who don’t want your life.