If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

"Neither of us support the idea that the man goes out to earn the money whilst the woman stays at home with the children and household duties."

Well that's absolutely fine - just like neither of us supported the idea that children have to go into childcare because two parents want to work - to prove their 'equality' to each other or some such insecure nonsense.

Also, if family can afford a SAHP, they are generally the type of family who can afford cleaners!

I'm also proud of the fact that I kept us afloat when DH was made redundant. We're a team.

However, If he does decide to fuck off with a piece of fancy and leave me, I can support myself. Having seen too many sad threads of SAHMs that have been truly fucked over by their Darling Husbands.

Personally I support what works for a couple. If a woman wants to be a SAHM I don’t look down on her but I worry for her if she hasn’t considered the consequences.

You and your husband are not better than anyone else.

I think what ppl miss out in these threads, is what the children need or at least what would be better for them. A parent or grandparent looking after them vs a nanny/nursery.

You can be a sahp for a while and still be able to get a job if needed.
If it goes on for too long, you become difficult to employ without retraining.

This is exactly what I've found, too. The women I know who are at home beyond their children starting school have changed drastically since before they had children. Their conversations revolve around the mundane - what's for dinner, bargains at the supermarket, what they watched on TV, diets, celebrity stuff. All well educated women, too, but it's like their brains have just been sanded down and they've lost their edge. It's incredibly sad, because they're also unhappy.

They miss their friends, but can't make new ones because people are busy working. They become obsessed with cleaning and food because that's all there is. One woman I know re-decorates her dining room almost yearly. They won't often admit it either, but they resent their husbands for not doing the cleaning up. During lockdown one woman was crawling the walls because she had to be at home with him and the resentment really set in.

AIBU to think you lack some brain cells or drive or something?

I have a DH who can easily afford for me to stay at home ( 7 figure post tax income) BUT I choose to work as I enjoy it and find it intellectually stimulating.

AIBU to feel sorry for you that you are satisfied being a SAHM?

You're clearly bored and a bit of see you next Tuesday to even write this post.

You find parents working to feed, house and clothe their children and provide financial security for their families unattractive?

Do you prefer parents to be unemployed and penniless?

What does he find attractive? Because if he thinks like you then you’re fucked 😂 I find anyone not working (other than those unable to for health reasons and women on maternity leave/men on paternal leave) very unattractive. What do you talk about? Where’s your motivation and ambition and interests? What do you do when your partner and friends are at work all day and your kids are at school? I can’t imagine coming home and DH saying “I made packed lunch and went to the gym and got a coffee and did some hoovering.” I’d probs ask him what he did with the other 5 hours!😳. Also not everyone with two FTW parents use wraparound or child care. We use a combo of flexible hours, condensed days, grandparents and WFH and one or both of us are home by 4:30 every night.

I find it really unattractive when an adult is so reliant on someone else, male or female.

I only find men attractive if they can work hard but also cook, clean, look after their kids etc too.

I expect a man to want the same from me.

I can cook, clean, look after the kids etc but I can also work hard and have my own career and my own money.

For me, I would only be happy in a relationship if it was 100% equal and my partner saw me as his equal.

I am not a live in housekeeper and he is not my meal ticket.

If a man would prefer his wife to be a SAHM, then he is typically a certain type of man and he prefers to be above his wife and kids in status - this is not the type of man I would go for.

If you are happy as being seen as ‘less than’ then that is your choice.
Many women and even some men are more than happy to do this.

There is a big difference between a man who wants you to be a SAHP because you want to be one/will do what makes you happy vs a man who would prefer you to be one.

I hope you have a plan in case your husband trades you in for a younger model, or just someone who is not a boring hausfrau.

WOW, you are the most unattractive person I have come across, and I haven't even seen you !

Yep. And usually with a women who they’ve met at work.

Maybe your husband finds it unattractive that you seem to lack drive and ambition? What a stupid statement. I don’t NEED to work but I want to, as it’s good for my sense of self and I want to be a good role model for my children, and instill the same desire to achieve in my children.

This post is ridiculous. Let’s hope your husbands company doesn’t crumble in our delicate economy

So what age is acceptable to put them into the care of strangers?

Do you think all kids should be homeschooled until they’re 16?

In the religion of Islam it's expected that a man be able to financially support and provide for his wife.

The SAHM I know tend to have husbands who work all the hours in order to support the lifestyle choice. And hence check out of school runs, helping with homework, play dates etc…

I find a man who wants to do an equal share of child raising a much more attractive prospect to be honest.

I actually feel sorry for people who have the mindset that women should be ‘kept’ by men.
I can’t think of anything more out-dated, patriarchal and suffocating. I love having the freedom and independence that comes from being self sufficient, and I know that many men find that really attractive and respect me all the more for it.

What will you do when you have aged, you have lost your youthful looks and your husband's attention starts to wander to a younger model? You might well lose everything.
You are dependent on him entirely for your security.
Even if you do have some personal finances set aside for this eventuality, don’t you aspire to have some sort of legacy that you have built for yourself?
I guess each to their own, but I’d pick my independence over being ‘kept’ any day. I don’t envy you at all.

All this "team" and "partnership" do you not think that apples to SAHM aswell? Me and my DH both pull our weight and work as a team, he goes out to work and I make sure he has a healthy home made dinner to eat when he comes home, his clothes are clean and in the wardrobe, our child and pets are fed and loved, the house is clean, the meals are prepped and ordered, the child's wardrobe is sorted seasonally. I know women who work also do these things but just because I stay at home doesn't make us have less of a partnership.

I know many men who don't have a problem with their partners staying at home, they actually like it and no they aren't controlling. It is instinctive to a man to provide for his family.

At the end of the day my child is looked after by myself, I don't need to ship them off on other family, carers, after school clubs etc. They will always know that mum was there emotionally and physically and dad was able to be the best provider to give them the best opportunities and also be present in their life.

I'm in no doubt that my DH could leave me in the future, of course he could! However everyone assuming he's going to leave me for the secretary, someone in the office etc is vastly off considering he's never with any of these people.

In the US, the Tradwife movement (which is amusingly pushed by men), is usually blabbering about this. They want their wives cooking, cleaning, home schooling. They don't want the kids going to school and learning that their dad is a misogynistic pig and their mum staying at home barefoot isn't normal, or recommended. They believe they're creating the next generation of upstanding Americans. It's spreading to the UK quite rapidly, too, with thanks to social media.

What people find attractive and what they don't, or how other households choose to divide their paid and domestic labour, are points of little interest to those standing on the outside. It would be none of their business in any case.

I'm assuming you've made informed choices about what you'll do if something ever goes wrong in the relationship. People can and do fall ill. But if not, then that's your lookout.

Reasonable or otherwise, your judgement call has no affect whatsoever on me or anyone else. I'm not clear as to the point of your thread.

Oh wow you must be such an interesting person because you have a job.
I find people who only talk about work pretty boring.

I think you are very very unreasonable and selfish! To not find a man attractive who can't provide for his wife and family? To feel sorry for women who 'have to work full time' ? I've always worked FT as have many of my friends; we certainly don't need feeling sorry for. I'm pretty sure that some men would find your expectation that a man should provide for you very unattractive. I totally appreciate those who decide to be a SAHM whilst the kids are pre school. But after? This post isn't intended to offend you, I'm just stating my opinion.

Why are you cooking, cleaning, and ironing his clothes? If he's working his career, your job is bringing up the child as you're a SAHM.

So, why aren't you both splitting the adult tasks that benefit the household? He can come home and clean up with you. He can come home and cook with you.

We're meant to sort children's wardrobes seasonally...?

Have you read The Handmaid's Tale? ... maybe you should. I can't imagine doing all the cooking. cleaning and laundry for a grown adult... and you of of course correct lots of women, parents in fact, do indeed run a household, care for children and work.
Why, I myself only today have worked, fed pets and cooked an evening meal for everyone, get me! DW worked, looked after children, washed clothes and got the car MoT'. Amazing!