If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

Why would you feel sorry for someone doing what they want to do?

Not sure if you are lazy or shallow.

What would happen to your relationship if your DH's business went under, and you had to go out to work?

I can't think of anything worse but each to their own.
I like earning and spending my own money

Literally cannot conceive of a life I'd want less than to sit at home or fill my days with coffees and the gym and chores, when I could be at work expanding my skills and my social circle and having something that's just mine, and providing for myself.

Really, don't feel sorry for me.

So your husband gets no fulfilment from providing for his family? There’s nothing 50s about it.

Many men base their self worth on how well they provide for their families financially, sorry your guy doesn’t.

Not every day but plenty do go in frequently enough to meet someone. For example, doctors, barristers and other high paying professionals can’t work from home all the time. And there’s also lots of work events, travel and schmoozing. I’m sure lots of high earners work from home most of the time but plenty don’t.

My DH could afford to support a SAHM, but he couldn't afford to support me as a SAHM.

you Won’t be alone op. There is a very small minority who will feel the same, likely messaging you saying we are all jealous, as we really don’t like earning our own money, we much prefer to rely on someone else if we could.

can you even imagine, 😱

i think your pity is misplaced. I would not swap my financial independence to boost my DHs masculinity. I would be very sad if my DD grew up with your approach on life, thankfully I have raised her differently.

Being a SAHM is one thing. Once your children are in school, you're not a SAHM, you're a housewife. The two things are very different.

There's no reason why anyone, man or woman, should be drifting around at home all day. Household chores can easily be shared by both partners, as can life admin. You'd have to be doing some seriously wild cleaning to be busy all day long while DH is out at work. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to get even a part time job to contribute, have independence, and a fail safe should your DH become ill, die, or run off on you.

It's very naive, I think.

Haha yeh as soon as I posted I realised I had gone off on a tangent 😂 I think it's just all the personal feelings coming out there😂

maybe our attractiveness should be more than how much we can earn, I think people cheat, have affairs no matter how much the other person earns/ what they do. Anyway I'm going to shut up before I go off again! 😂

I find it unattractive when parents think putting infants into the care of strangers is better than looking after them themselves.

both possibly hence the 'boast'. Such a weak flex... look at me, I'm financially dependent on a man and am unemployed.

Oh well 🤷‍♀️
Anyway the OP’s DC are at school so hardly an infant.

Like sending them to school?

This thread is so weird. It's like me saying "If a man has a mustache, I find him unattractive". And then "I feel sorry for all the women without clean shaven husbands. How do they endure it?"

I mean, what relevance does it possibly have if your own DH or DP does not have a mustache?

Financially neither DH or I have needed to work but BOTH of us have progressed our careers and set an example to our DC’s of both parents working together to raise the family, run a home and enjoy worthwhile careers. Neither of us support the idea that the man goes out to earn the money whilst the woman stays at home with the children and household duties.

I’d literally rather die than need a man to keep me 😂😂 but you do you!

I don’t understand it either, I’ve a couple of housewife loose friends, their worlds are very small indeed. It’s all I helped Johnny pack for his work trip, and made x for dinner and cut the grass, went to the supermarket ooh and I got a new bag. Somehow they lost themselves. Became the same as the long term retired pensioners, still lovely women, but very limited.

it’s the same argument about taking retirement early. How work keeps you vibrant, challenged, a larger social circle. That your world can shrink when you don’t work.

houswife or retiree it’s a very similar issue. After a time, you start obsessing on the neighbours, watching bargain hunt, and going to the supermarket is an interesting thing to do. Naval gazing like the op becomes something to do as you’re bored shitless.

I don't think its unattractive.

That's equally as gross as a man saying he'd find it unattractive if a woman had any ambitious other than making his dinner and having babies.

I do think that an average salary for a man or women, should be able to support a family though. But that's a different issue, not related to the desirability of anyone involved.

Right, so for me, just my opinion.
I do not find attractive a man that does not work hard to provide. For me, he must take pride in working and providing shelter, food and other goods to both wife and children.
But, I will never ask him to do it all on his own. The financial world today really calls for two incomes for average wage earners. Plus, in case something happens to him, I will shoulder the burden till needed. And it is a good example for the children.
So, in brief, I find unattractive and disgusting some lazy arseholes that cannot be bothered.
But I consider men equal partners, so I am happy to work. I would not be happy to be kept as such. I would also be happy for either me or him staying at home, if that is feasible financially and we have a plan that requires so, in the meantime the burden is fairly shared.

my mum did that and I could go abroad, have no student loan so could marry for love and help my DH pay off his student loan. I am forever at an advantage compared to my peers. It also meant that i met my DH while studying abroad, I never paid any rent in London, only a mortgage, that is a direct result of my mum working hard to provide for her children.

DH's mum had 4 kids which she cared for at home in between being freelance, she only has state pension and Dh and I will probably have to help her in her old age.

Both are equally valid decisions tbh, but both decisions equally have trade-offs.

Sending your kids to daycare- you earn more money and because of how wealth accumulates over time and compound interest, kids more financially secure in adulthood and beyond esp if your career takes off.

Care for them yourself- may mean your kids or the state have to care for you in your old age and your kids have to take out loans if the DH doesn't earn a lot of money (and what is a lot of money can change over time, suffice to say 2 times high income is now the norm for the upper middle classes).

This is so shallow, but live and let live! I think you are super unreasonable but at least you're honest about it!

All the people posting spitefully on here - maybe think about why you need to post? What threatens you?
If OP said she was attracted to just about anything else - there would be very little interest and frothing.

Don’t try to spin this as being anti SAHM.

This OP came on to start a fight by saying she pitied women who have their own financial security FFS. It was a blatant attempt to troll well over 50% of this community.

Of course people are going to be offended and defensive. You don’t get to turn around and say “but it was just an opinion!”.