If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I feel sorry for you that you feel like you can’t have a job and raise your family 🤷‍♀️. It always feels a bit wet to me when women say they couldn’t possibly work and look after their family… It just seems a bit pathetic. But I also know that’s an unpopular position and that I am unusually bright, driven and lucky in my job, my family and our financial situation.

I find this really odd. I love my job and I love working. I also love spending time with my husband and kids, and feel it’s important to model financial independence.

You do you. I try not to judge or make assumptions about others, as I’m aware that others think differently to me, and have different life values.

No need to feel sorry for me 😂

I must say I like your post. Many people won't, but I'm all for an independent woman who is happily supportive of women working IF THEY WANT TO.
I know I'm going to be argued with, but although I'm intending to work (I'm in college at the moment) I don't think a woman should HAVE to.
No I don't think we should have options from birth or school. If we want to work or remain single then yes we should work but if we don't want to, if we WANT to be "a kept woman", then that should be an option too.
If we marry then the man OUGHT to be able to look after us. After all, most men seem to want to do that!
No, I'm not arguing for us to "have our cake and eat it". Men get EVERYTHING their way. It's time WE had choices and options in life. Especially if we're having children.

This with bells on! My DH is shy of the kitchen and it just seems a bit pathetic! I didn’t magically know how to cook. I had to learn! Fortunately he’s a good father and partner otherwise…

No man with any sense would pay into anything for such a woman, she's a big enough burden already.

I think if you are married and can afford to stay home up to infant school/pre-school and then work part-time during the primary years, then that’s great. What with mortgages and living costs being higher nowadays, not everyone can afford it.

I couldn’t think of anything less attractive. I’d run very far away from a man who wanted to ‘keep’ me. Yuck.

I’m the higher earner and my husband is incredibly proud of me.

I find it depressing that so many women and men are still choosing the option of the woman staying home during the career-building years. The men’s careers flourish and the gender pay gap continues. I am not criticising individuals but I see it as a problematic issue for society.

Mohammed al Fayed could afford to keep his wife, as could Harvey Weinstein, Gary Glitter, Huw Edwards, and any number of such 'gentlemen'. Do you find them attractive?

When DS was born I was convinced I wanted to be a SAHM at least till he went to school. However, much as I adored him and loved being with him, I was bored and I felt diminished, and I hated the feeling that my brain just wasn't being used. I started finding all sorts of other things to stimulate me - a couple of jobs I could do from home, joining local groups and going on their committees etc. Eventually I realised that I just wanted to get back to my career, which is what I did - albeit on a part time basis for the first few years. I've never regretted it for a moment.

To be honest, I don't know how any self-respecting woman can rely on a man to keep her indefinitely when there is no need for it in terms of child responsibilities. I would be bored to death and I would have no self-respect. And if a man expected me to do that, frankly I would despise him.

I can't imagine not wanting to contribute to supporting my family. I was a SAHP (kind of) for a few years while ours were little but I used to work in a pub 4 nights a week just so that I felt I wasn't leaving it all to DH. I work full time now mine are much older and have done for years. For us it was just part and parcel or our support of each other and our family.

Every relationship/family dynamics is different though.

Personally I like having the self respect to work and pay for what I need without sponging off someone else.

But each to their own.

I earn double what my husband makes and I enjoy being able to provide him and my son with what they need. My husband works and he does more in the house than me because of a disability but I'd be ashamed if I couldn't say in total honesty that I provide for my family.

My ideal would be for both my partner and I to be able to work part time and balance fulfilling work, time together, time with friends, family and hobbies, rather than have the traditional gender divide. We're working towards it! I enjoy my work but would be happy to do less of it, so YABU to apply your own preferences to other people's lives and pity them for lives they've probably actively chosen.
To be able to cover a family's costs, in most cases you need either inherited wealth, or a senior level job and the latter often comes with long hours and stress, so I personally wouldn't prefer that for my partner. If your DH's business is low stress for him or he loves it then fair fucks, sounds like a good setup and it's great that you're happy, but the way you framed it is a bit weird and sexist.

I'm not only with him for his money, I would also never leave him if he could no longer run his business.

So what would you do in that event if your family also was unable/unwilling to bail you out? If you can run a home, it's very difficult to believe you couldn't hold down a job.

Ah bless your little cotton socks. Your naivity or stupidity knows no bounds.

I'll leave the other posters to point out why since you don't seem to know yourself.

Of course you find men who work attractive, it's made your life easier! But I think you are infantilizing yourself and other women. When adults become parents, most do whatever they can to provide for them and make sure they have a stable life. I don't know why you've convinced yourself you can't work or provide (plenty of people w/ ADHD do this), so you're relying on the kindness of your husband, you're dependent upon him like your children rely on you, which is childish, IMO. Why do you think women want equal pay and opportunities to work? It's not just for personal fulfillment (that's a luxury), it's to support themselves and their children.

I hope it works out for you, but MN is full of stories of women who get traded in for a younger model and try to re-enter the work force with no skills and lags in their resume.

So, men on average salaries are unattractive? Let alone men on minimum wages or disability benefits?

OP, you are very, very unreasonable. Well done for getting a rich husband. No need to look down on everyone else.

It would be a truly callous person who would deny you the pleasure of those tickets. I'm so sorry for all you have been through, and am glad you have the concert to look forward to x

Don't feel sorry for women like me. You don't even seem to care that you have no life outside your kids. What did you even bother going to school for? A wasted education.

What a limited, narrow outlook on life.

I would never, ever have surrendered my independence to any man!

That's just bollocks.

I personally think your ideas are old-fashioned. When you say ‘keep me,’ you present women as a sex who need looking after entirely by men because they either can’t (or shouldn’t need to) manage to get by on their own. This was the case when women weren’t expected go have the brains to have education or the drive to have careers or the ambition to be independent. It’s not the case in 2024.

I think if some women want to make the choice to not work for their entire lives then then that’s up to them but if I were a man I’d be a bit miffed if I had to support a woman who never did a day’s work even if the children were independent! My husband is a top 1% earner and I still work part-time. I don’t need to - it stops my brain rotting and me sponging off him for 40 years. That’s how I see it.

Of course men who are successful are more attractive. It's silly to argue that they aren't. It's how natural selection works- we are genetically programmed to look for certain traits which will ensure the survival of our offsrping- originally it would be a man who was a good hunter, resourceful, strong, helathy etc. Now it equates to good looks and lots of money- ie a successful career.

Men are naturally attracted to women who can birth and nurture children- curvy, healthy etc.

Maybe now working out of the home is viable, but for our ancestors the women looked after the babies because someone had to and of course it was the women because only they could.

We cannot deny our genetic root- women are designed for caring for children and the home and men are programmed to be the main providers.

There is when the child is at school!!