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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If a man can't afford to keep me

1000 replies

sunshinesparklestar · 20/09/2024 13:16

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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rainsofcastamere · 20/09/2024 16:46

NPET · 20/09/2024 16:29

I must say I like your post. Many people won't, but I'm all for an independent woman who is happily supportive of women working IF THEY WANT TO.
I know I'm going to be argued with, but although I'm intending to work (I'm in college at the moment) I don't think a woman should HAVE to.
No I don't think we should have options from birth or school. If we want to work or remain single then yes we should work but if we don't want to, if we WANT to be "a kept woman", then that should be an option too.
If we marry then the man OUGHT to be able to look after us. After all, most men seem to want to do that!
No, I'm not arguing for us to "have our cake and eat it". Men get EVERYTHING their way. It's time WE had choices and options in life. Especially if we're having children.

You know by staying at home, looking after his kids, making his dinner, cleaning his house, washing his clothes all while relying on his income then you're doing the exact opposite of what you think you are.

If you think that by counteracting the 'men get everything' viewpoint by staying at home as a housewife, leaving yourself open to nothing if he decides to leave you, then you're incredibly naive because the men that'll happily let you do all the childcare and house work are going to be shit dads, vacant husbands and are, in fact, getting it all their own way.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/09/2024 16:47

The trouble comes when the working spouse meets somebody who is younger/bit more attractive/earns their own money and they decide they will not be paying to support the STBXW. You may be sorted financially if he drops dead, but what if he takes a liking to somebody else and decides that he's done with 'carrying you'? (feel free to insert some other insult as is often used by men who do not wish to meet any financial obligations).

adriftinadenofvipers · 20/09/2024 16:47

Viviennemary · 20/09/2024 16:10

Ok as long as it lasts. A lot of men don't find women whose lives revolve revolve round domestic chores and childcare very interesting after a while.

Which is when someone who is more their equal attracts his attention...

UmberFinch · 20/09/2024 16:48

This can’t be real…?

I think shallowness is an unattractive trait.

Nobodywouldknow · 20/09/2024 16:48

Because men are natural protectors and providers. That is what brings them fulfilment regardless of how we try to change this truth.
Both can work their little cotton socks off. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting. Both work towards their common goal, and women using logic instead of emotion when choosing a husband.

Yeah okay then. Weird how this theory is readily accepted but not other “it’s in their nature” arguments like cheating and impregnating as many women as possible.

Nowordsformethanks · 20/09/2024 16:49

OP, well done for the bait thread! It's filling up as you expected.

CheeseyOnionPie · 20/09/2024 16:49

The idea of having my own money and career is important to me. I would not want to be in a position where I am relying on a man for everything.

Shinydoor · 20/09/2024 16:50

So I’ve understood two things

  1. you are not able to hold down a job and support yourself
  2. you’ve therefore dressed this up for yourself as, ‘relying on someone else to do so is super attractive’

Sounds to me like you have no choice and you’re lucky. For now. I hope life doesn’t throw you a curveball, whether financially or realising you have little identify left beyond wife and mum.

NonsuchCastle · 20/09/2024 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BodyKeepingScore · 20/09/2024 16:51

Personally I find women who expect to be kept by a man lacking in ambition and unattractive but each to their own I guess.

Honeymooner24 · 20/09/2024 16:51

I think a lazy woman with no work ethic is much more unattractive

NonsuchCastle · 20/09/2024 16:51

LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife · 20/09/2024 14:50

Apparently it's considered the biggest flex for a man to be able to financially support his wife and family. Not saying I agree but the fifties don't seem so bad some days. I support myself btw.

Yep, you wouldn't say that if you had been a woman in the 50's. Do some research, dear.

Simonjt · 20/09/2024 16:52

I wouldn’t ever find someone attractive if they were long term unemployed.

Parker231 · 20/09/2024 16:52

Simonjt · 20/09/2024 16:52

I wouldn’t ever find someone attractive if they were long term unemployed.

Neither would I - man or woman

PayYourselfFirst · 20/09/2024 16:54

OneBadKitty · 20/09/2024 16:44

Of course men who are successful are more attractive. It's silly to argue that they aren't. It's how natural selection works- we are genetically programmed to look for certain traits which will ensure the survival of our offsrping- originally it would be a man who was a good hunter, resourceful, strong, helathy etc. Now it equates to good looks and lots of money- ie a successful career.

Men are naturally attracted to women who can birth and nurture children- curvy, healthy etc.

Maybe now working out of the home is viable, but for our ancestors the women looked after the babies because someone had to and of course it was the women because only they could.

We cannot deny our genetic root- women are designed for caring for children and the home and men are programmed to be the main providers.

Hahaha!!!
Actually what happened is women gave birth and as soon as they were able they returned to working/ gathering with a child on their back or elders/ older children looked after the younger.
Women have always worked one way or another.
The crux of it is women haven't ever been given recognition for WOH or domestic work.
Men can be useless as fuck and in either sphere are praised for a mediocre job
Same old ...

floral2027 · 20/09/2024 16:54

bridgetreilly · 20/09/2024 16:38

So, men on average salaries are unattractive? Let alone men on minimum wages or disability benefits?

OP, you are very, very unreasonable. Well done for getting a rich husband. No need to look down on everyone else.

I will always work but I can kinda see it from OP's POV. my DH isn't a super high earner;however as he has the good fortune of being a Londoner who could live at home and us meeting very young (while having fertility issues), we were able to buy our flat in our 20s and overpay so we need less than most Londoners to meet our costs. I did realize that when I married him, that as he could live at home (or if he went to my home country, I could also live at home plus we have government subsidized flats back home), I wouldn't need to marry a really rich guy to do things like buy property.

It can be difficult to support a family or get on the housing ladder on 2 average incomes, let alone 2 low incomes. I can see why women would try to marry someone with higher income so they can avoid facing such problems as one high income may not be enough if you don't have bank of mum and dad.

Some women I know who haven't married higher earning men so the result is living with in laws with toddler in tow and no light in sight on when they can move out. they also spent years in rental before moving back

That is harsh on any relationship. I have lived with in laws in my 20s but at least it was only for a few years and without kids and we managed to move out, plus at least never spent any money on rental

NonsuchCastle · 20/09/2024 16:54

sunshinesparklestar · 20/09/2024 14:57

My DH actually likes the fact he can support me, he finds that attractive and masculine.

Yes I suppose I view looking after the house and child a job, someone has to do it and I like the fact we don't have to pay someone else to do it.

"Attractive and masculine". Oh my days! 😂

PayYourselfFirst · 20/09/2024 16:55

Ps those uber handsome high achieving men usually make shit husbands
Arrogant, selfish and it's all about them

Bellyblueboy · 20/09/2024 16:56

You lost me when you said you feel sorry for women who work😣.

Doublesidedstickytape · 20/09/2024 16:56

I love my job! It’s intellectually demanding and studies have shown using your brain as far as possible into old age helps fend off dementia.

Parker231 · 20/09/2024 16:56

Bangwam1 · 20/09/2024 16:02

Because men are natural protectors and providers. That is what brings them fulfilment regardless of how we try to change this truth.

Both can work their little cotton socks off. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting. Both work towards their common goal, and women using logic instead of emotion when choosing a husband.

Show quote history

Have just read your comment about natural protectors and providers and bringing them fulfilment to DH - he’s still laughing! It’s so 1950’s!

Mary46 · 20/09/2024 16:56

If it works for you op. Think its too risky one salary. My sil lost her husband so less money. I like to work kids are older. You in a lucky position though

Wingingit11 · 20/09/2024 16:57

HRTWT but OP I would really worry personally what would happen if your relationship breaks down - it happens to the best of us without warning and for many reasons!!! And personally I like working to have a sense of independence, some interesting chat to bring to the table and to set an example for my children. Im
glad you’re happy though (genuinely) if you find your life fulfilling.

winter8090 · 20/09/2024 16:57

Ponderingwindow · 20/09/2024 13:21

do you also find women who can’t financially support their families unattractive?

I think this is a very good point.

Many woman have fallen on hard times when a relationship ends.

LittleSparklyStar · 20/09/2024 16:58

I find it weird you say you can’t hold down a job because of adhd, I know lots of people who have ADHD but are doing great at work. I don’t think it immediately means you can’t do it, does it? I mean I’m glad it works for you 🤷‍♀️ me personally I work part time because
I. I went to uni and worked hard to become a nurse and wouldn’t want all my skill set to go to waste
ii. The money I earn gives our lifestyle a boost and we can afford more for the kids and ourselves
and iii. I don’t want to be a sahm permanently because, boring.

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