If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I agree with you @sunshinesparklestar not because I'd necessarily want to be kept but I'd want to know it was an option and that as a family we were financially secure whatever happened to me.

That said, you have to be mixing in the right circles to meet a man earning enough and find one that you find attractive and that finds you attractive in all senses - not just physically.

It's an ideal choice but not one open to everyone as there aren't enough high earning men for all women are there?

I can't help feeling that you're actively looking for a reason to despise the woman you mention or maybe look down on the man. I get the feeling it is the former. You do not seem content in your own life. Maybe the woman you mention can offer advice on how to make your life more "fulfilling"?

Well, OP, the problem is on this thread is that you just keep fine tuning what you’re saying in order to come across as less judgemental – but it’s not working. In one breath
– men are unattractive if they’re not able to keep a woman out of work. In another – you wish you liked to work but you find yourself unable to. In the next – it’s empowering for women to work and you only feel sorry for women who want to stay home with their children. And again – men are unattractive if they can’t support their wives.

Well, which is it?

Of course, you are entitled to find whatever you wish attractive or unattractive.

Do I personally find it shallow? Yes

Would I run a mile from the type of man who found it ‘attractive and masculine’ to enable me not to work? Absolutely.

Shouldn’t we all have sympathy for anyone doing something in life that causes them unhappiness? Not sure why that’s relevant.

This.

Do I find us both working FT and raising children a challenge? Yes, often. But I feel I'm setting a good example for my children in working hard and being economically independent as a woman.

Please don't feel sorry for those who choose to work, OP. At least we have our self-respect.

You can absolutely breastfeed and work - that's just a nonsense! I breastfed my three until they were 12 months, 12 months and 22 months respectively. I was back at work full-time from when they were 5 months, 7 months and 10 months! AND they were in nursery where they thrived.

I hope you don’t have regrets in 30 years time.

Do you not plan to ever work?

It’s attractive if a man works hard to support his family but not in terms of how much they earn, obviously it would be nice if we didn’t have to worry about money, but I care much more if my husband is kind/hardworking and we get on. My love isn’t conditional on his earning potential!!

I am SO RELIEVED that these women who find men that don't earn enough to support their wives financially unattractive.

Otherwise they might WHISK AWAY my sub-optimally earning husband.

WHEW! THANKS LAYDEEZ!

No, honestly. Good luck with that. Really and truly. I hope your life pans out exactly as you expect and you don't experience any bumps along the way.

Wait till your husband runs off with his young secretary / assistant and you're left living on the scrapings of child maintenance, with no recent work experience or up to date training. It happens a lot.

Despite your slightly disingenuous replies you do make a valid point amongst the tweeness.

So many women end up with men who want a wife who works outside of the home but who also does all of the housework, child care and life admin on top, as well as paying for all of the child related expenses out of their money.

These men want traditional set ups when it comes to the benefits of a SAHM and equality when it comes to their pockets.

If a man steps up to facilitate a ‘breadwinner’ life with both parties agreeing, happy days.

But there is huge risk in that game as so many women showcase here on a daily basis.

Your life works for you and you are happy, which is great but I find it grating that you defend your life choices - which are no one’s business but yours - by infantilising yourself because of your adhd. I have adhd. So do many women who have still managed to work and earn and be self sufficient when needed.

There’s a tone of ‘little old me needed to be a little wifey because the world is too hard for my little brain’ helplessness that doesn’t do anyone any credit.
If you can run a home and care for people and pets, you could be as capable in a work environment. It’s fine to say you chose not to.

It's an ideal choice but not one open to everyone as there aren't enough high earning men for all women are there?

Exactly. And in my experience, the mega rich ones often choose highly educated women with really good degrees and maybe a professional qualification like law or medicine. Not someone who has done nothing since school. The OP sounds like she’s from a rich family which is why she’d be okay if they split but most women won’t be in that position. They’d be more likely to attract some Andrew Tate dude who wants to control them and won’t give them a say in anything. Or someone who actually resents them not pulling their weight and will divorce them eventually, leaving them totally screwed.

I despise housework and love to think and problem solve. Staying at home all the time would be my idea of hell. I accept others like it, but it's definitely not for me.

Someone expecting me to stay home and look after them would get short shrift.

We're not restricted to just two choices though - work F/T long hours or don't work. If your children are in school you could get a part time job to help boost the family finances.

this is so sad and should be pinned as a post on mumsnet preferably in the conception/pregnancy threads.

yes people would say they wouldn't be so stupid to fritter it away on a sports car, but if its that easy to fritter away on a sports car, it probably wasn't near enough money to actually rely on for life.

A friend of mine frittered away 100k from her divorce settlement as she had serious MH issues and is now in temporary housing.

Yes, you are unreasonable.

Marriage (and consequent parenting) is a partnership of equals, an adaptive and fluid even-based relationship with both parties play their part according to their mutually agreed needs. For some that may mean the man opts to be the sole/main breadwinner, but in 2024 that is more likely to be a partnership of dual income streams and shared familial responsibility. What I find unattractive in a partner is one that assumes the sole responsibility for the financial underpinning of a relationship should rest on one person’s shoulders, even if for a time that is what happens due to the joint decision to have children and their subsequent parenting choices.

Goady post. There have been many lately by tradwives and tradhusbands.

This is just a stealth boast you are married to someone who earns a lot of money. Sad.

If your DH became ill and needed your support would you head for the door?

That's utter bollocks. A SAHM can choose to order her day however she wishes. A working mum can't. She basically has 2 full-time jobs and juggling that is way way harder than pottering about at home!

OP why are you even sizing up whether other men are attractive or not? You've described your perfect life and your perfect DH. You don't need another man that meets your definition of attractive - you have one!

FWIW I think you are protesting too much - why do you even care unless you are thinking of trading in MrSunshineSparkleStar for a new model. I was a SAHP for a long time so my DH would have obviously met your definition of attractive but now I work full time, so I am assuming he's less attractive to you - phew, that's my man saved from your clutches

Are you not bored shitless OP? Don’t you have any kind of ambition to do anything outside of being a wife and mother?
You do you, but I can’t imagine being that dull and spending my life is what essentially is a gilded cage.

It's lazy to "have no intention of working when the children are all at school" because what the bloody hell is she going to do all day with no children to look after? A SAHM with no kids at home is just a housewife. All there will be to do is clean and do leisure activities, which everyone else does as well as working. It's not Ike she's got toddlers to parent 24/7.

No more attractive than men who look for women to cook, clean and look after the house for them to their standards and suddenly find them not so attractive when they decide they want more independence.

Personally, I find these men very unattractive so I suppose it just comes down to good matching.

I’m trying to think if I find it attractive? I don’t know that i do. I have an awful lot of gratitude that I was able to be at home with my children during their younger years and I’m still grateful I’m around in the afternoons to be there as they come in from school. It wasn’t a prerequisite though. It just happened through a series of promotions.

What would you do if he left?
What if he couldn't work?