If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

This is clearly just a goady post from someone who thinks she is better than working women because she married a mug who is happy for he to sit on her arse all day whilst he works. To be fair I could give up work now on my husband's salary but I choose to work so we can afford a better quality of life overall.

I would find a layabout who chose not to work unattractive... I guess it would double standards if I didn't apply the same to women...

Christ. What can YOU offer your husband?? Are you financially stable? If not, do you look down on yourself? Maybe you should.

Your thread makes no sense whatsoever.
You say you don’t find men who can’t support their family attractive.
But you met your husband when you were teenagers. So you clearly found him attractive even though he couldn’t support you.
You say that until he started his business he couldn’t support you both and your families helped out. So you clearly found him attractive even though he couldn’t support you.

So this thread has nothing to do with what you find attractive, and everything to do with you smugly announcing that you’re now a kept woman and like it.

I find the prospect of being looked after by a man both financially and emotionally attractive but that is secondary to my own aspect of being more than capable of look after myself.

I want a man but do not need a man springs to mind - OP I do hope this is not a stealth boast on your status as things could change in a second.

Do you mean to be so patronising? No need to feel sorry for those of us who are working. Lots of us bloody love it! And we move the financial independence and the opportunities it affords us and our families.

What on earth do you do all day? Your child is at school.

Working and having an active life with a structure out of the house gives me a sense of purpose. I really don't understand people that either don't ever work or haven't for a long time.

What do you talk about with your husband?

Do you have friends?

I have always wanted to be a housewife and mother and knew that physically and mentally I would be unsuited to working full-time, raising children and running a household. So when dating, I was honest that I would not work after marriage. Every gentlemen bar one was fine with that and of course, my now husband was absolutely fine. I feel sorry for most modern younger women now who are trying so hard to do it all. For me I would prefer to be on my own working than being responsible for a family and working. It’d be exhausting. And I could not imagine time being taken away from my children.

Because men are natural protectors and providers. That is what brings them fulfilment regardless of how we try to change this truth.

Both can work their little cotton socks off. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting. Both work towards their common goal, and women using logic instead of emotion when choosing a husband.

my family supported us

So you leech off them. Too?

How very unattractive

Naaaah. I have daughters. They need to be shown that women do not need men to be secure. Independence is important. If my husband runs off with someone else I know I can support myself and our children. It’s 2024.

it should also be noted that higher earning men are increasingly now marrying higher earning women with huge impacts on things like house prices, wealth etc. So the male CEO is now much more likely to be married to another CEO/businesswoman with all the resultant knock on effects. Couples like the OP's may increasingly become the minority so OP's daughter may not be able to afford the same life her mother has and have to accept a fall in living standards if she maintains the same ideals. This could even be true for OP if she was 10 or even 5 years younger.

https://news.yale.edu/2021/03/25/marriage-choices-affect-gender-gaps-and-inequality-new-analysis-finds

How the world works is a function of what is the norm today, not ideals. its why my DH's grandpa could purchase a London semi with one salary as a garment worker, but it would be almost impossible today even if there wasn't a housing crisis as so many men and women living in London have degrees, good jobs and tend to marry people who do the same kind of jobs. In the past doctors marrying nurses, lawyers marrying secretaries was far more common, now they are marrying each other.

There's nothing lazy about being a sahm.
You may as well say a nanny is lazy.

I've always worked at least part time but you're the goady one imo.
Your choice , op 's choice, my choice.
We're all entitled to have choices.
Yours is no better than another person's it's just different.

Oh god please stop giving ADHD-ers a bad name many of us spend our lives trying to overcome other people's negative assumptions about our capacity to work. Live however you want as long as your family is paying their way. Personally I love my career because it's varied and satisfying and well-paid, I just restrict my working hours to achieve a balance. DH can easily fund our lifestyle and has at times but I don't want to be dependent on him. I WILL admit that I find insolvent men unattractive as they seem like children to me!

Also, if you’re going to do it, you need to pick someone who is really rich. Not just 100k income rich but serious assets. You need to ensure you are married so that if you divorce you get enough to tide you over for life.

Otherwise it’s a seriously dumb strategy. My DP’s ex thought like this and basically quit her job as soon as she married my DP. He became a reluctant provider and kept asking if she could get a job but she refused. They divorced and as he’s a decent earner but not megabucks it was done on a clean break basis and she got a six figure settlement. She spent her settlement quickly on a sports car which she then sold to repay credit card debt and just general frittering of the money. She initially found another man to keep her (they didn’t marry) but he’s now split from her and wants her out (she’s living in his annexe and he keeps threatening to change the locks so it’s all very uncertain). She can’t hold down a job for longer than a few months. She is now effectively homeless and has no income. We’re worried about her as my DP has kids with her (they live mainly with him) and have told her to go to the council to get temporary accommodation. She says she won’t lower herself to that. Maybe she will find another guy but I certainly wouldn’t want to live like that. It would be my worst nightmare. Had she had a job, even a fairly low paying one, she could have bought a property after the divorce and supported herself and her kids. Now she’s basically squatting in her ex’s house, on the bones of her arse and unable to pay for anything for the kids or to have them overnight anymore (my DP would never stop her seeing them so she does have plenty of contact during day time). Really sad. But my DP said that during their relationship she’d look down her nose at women who worked.

Both myself and DH work 4 days a week. That's our deal and it works for us. We do joke that we'd both like to other to go and get a super high paying job and suddenly decide that they would like to take on all financial provision responsibilities :)

So how have you categorised your neighbour into the "women you feel sorry for" pile? Do you know that she hates working? Do you think she is envying you every minute of the day?

Have you ever worked, OP? In a job you like, maybe related to the field you studied?

Because I worked hard from age 13 to reach where I am now. I chased the dream and got it. It matured a little bit as I grew, but it's what I always wanted. Head down, studying, learning, jumping at voluntary positions and tutoring for my CV. It was hard, but I got what I wanted. And I'm married to a wonderful man with a great job who is an equal partner. We're showing our children what a marriage can look like.

I love my job. Even on the hard days, I fucking love it. So please don't pity me!

Equally, my sister works in a role she didn't train for. She absolutely loves it. It makes her happy every day and she has a lovely array of friends from it. So, don't pity her either!

Certainly more interesting than dusting the ornaments while the kids are in school all day.

I find this trad wife thing really unpleasant. Women have come so far that so many want to go backwards. I prefer equality in a relationship personally, having seen the the downsides with my parents marriage. My Mum treated like a maid and had no say in any of expenditure.

I would agree with this, reading between the lines.

I’d have thought it’s a good thing you don’t find other people’s husbands attractive, since you really can’t afford to piss yours off?

😂😂😂

I can actually see OPs point a little bit- I'd love to be able to cut down how much I work to focus on myself a little bit more but the truth is, I value what I do and my financial independence too much to do something about it!

So if you were teens when you met 11 years ago, are you 27/28 now? Do you think you have the experience and right to judge others?

Excellent post but I'm so sorry for your losses especially that of your ds.

Ok as long as it lasts. A lot of men don't find women whose lives revolve revolve round domestic chores and childcare very interesting after a while.

I guess as women we should hope to have more choices than our mothers or grandmothers may have had. Being able to choose whether or not to work is of course a privilege.

Up to you OP if your priority is a man with a good wage.

My priority is to live a fulfilling and interesting life and for me that involves a career. I think finding a man who supports my career while having his own is much more fortunate but each to her own.

I think many men choose a woman to have children with, planning from the off to ditch her and become part time Dads. And leave her in the mess your acquaintance was left in. I truly do.