If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

She is work shy, because she has no intention of ever working.

Are you saying your family financially made it possible for him to start a business? Well that doesn't happen with most people .
And do you have money in an emergency because you earned it or is it inheritance/ family money?
These things really make a big difference when it comes to peoples choices work wise .
Do you not get bored ?

You do you, but I wouldn't find a man attractive who is happy to leave most/all of the childcare to his wife, who is never the one to pick up the kids from school, be the one to look after them when they're ill, attend the school play, etc. DH and I don't have kids by choice, but if we did, I'd want us to be equally active in their upbringing.

What about men?

Good for you. I taught my daughter if you want money you earn it. If you’re with someone it’s a choice and one you can unchoose at any time, for any reason, if you’re completely financially independent. Money gives you freedom.

my husband knows I’m with him through choice. I don’t need his money, I don’t wish it, I earn my own, together yes we have a nice life. But I can walk away tomorrow if I choose.

could he keep me, like I was some form of pet, sure, he more than earns enough, but I don’t wish him to and I don’t see it as an attractive quality, more an irrelevance. When it comes to money what’s important is how much I earn and the freedom it gives me.

I mean, the women I really admire have been trailblazers - being in charge at work and commanding a room. Really inspiring, intelligent women.

You're telling me you'd feel sorry for your daughter if she turned into one of these inspiring women working full-time? And you'd "feel sorry for her" that she wasn't at home with her kids?

I mean, it's a pretty old fashioned and sexist attitude to have towards women, but you do you.

And speaking of men, I find men who do more than half of the childcare most attractive, so I wouldn't be attracted to your DH.

My DH is a higher earner (£120k pa) but I think being a hands on Dad is far more important than what they earn.

But what is so wrong these days with finding a man who can support you? That was the way of life many years ago and some women/men are still probably drawn to that lifestyle for many reasons.
I also know my neighbour and know that she doesn't want to work but has to, hence why I feel sorry for her, I am actually a very empathetic person. Like I have said many times I do not feel sorry for women who want/like to work.
What is so wrong with wanting to be at home so I can easily attend all my child's school events, drop to school and pick up, be the first to hear about their day, cook them dinner and put them to bed.

God @sunshinesparklestar , it's like feminism just completely by-passed you.
Why are you so obsessed about men working enough to 'keep' a family on one income?
There are millions and millions of men around the world doing jobs they hate to provide for their families - why not have empathy for them?
Suicide rates among men are also sky high, I am sure for some of them are due to financial pressures.
Many people see parenting as being a team with their DP. Sometimes 2 people NEED to work to get by, sometimes they don't, but prefer to work.
I really hope nothing happens to your DH or his business as it sounds like you'd be screwed.

I'm not sure what you're saying? That as so many men turn out to be duds, a woman might as well pick a wealthy one and enjoy some initial benefit?

Plus, this isn't just about being a SAHM. That's work whether chosen (and saved up for, which is rare. I wouldn't be doing it!) or happens by circumstance. Though household chores and life admin should be split between partners.

Once the kids are in school, you're not a SAHM. You're a housewife. There is absolutely no reason anyone should be sitting around the house doing housework while the other partner "provides" and does nothing at home. At that point, outside of obvious reasons such as the child has additional needs, why not go back to work even PT? Split the household responsibility with DH, and contribute.

There's only so much cleaning to be done in one day. Being a housewife or a househusband, for that matter, isn't a job.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

What an utterly pathetic and patronising thing to say. Save your sympathy for people who actually need it, not women who are contributing financially to their families and their communities.

I mean I wish you well and I hope that your life continues as it is and everyone lives happily ever after, this time 3 years ago I felt like I had genuinely reached a point in my life where I could look around and feel genuinely happy with how my life has turned out. Today I'm sat here without my son who died in an accident in 2022 and without my partner who unexpectedly died in February of this year after being admitted to hospital with pneumonia. Nobody is secure and set for life really because none of us escape truly shit things happening out of the blue that turn everything upside down and that's not even mentioning that for most people surviving on one salary is just impossible. I'm happy that you are happy though but it does seem a bit pointless to come on here and tell everyone how well everything is going lol. I managed to get Oasis tickets for next year and I'm so excited but to see a lot of people online genuinely gutted they didn't manage to get any I haven't been going around gloating about it because that pisses people off a lot. Although I have just done exactly what I said I don't do lol sorry to anyone who reads this and didn't get tickets

But what is so wrong these days with finding a man who can support you?

Nothing. As long as everything goes perfectly and you have a cast iron guarantee that 1. he wont ever leave you or have an affair, 2. he doesnt develop some kind of life limiting illness or disability that prevents him from working, 3. nothing unexpected happens that changes the dynamics of your relationship meaning either one or both of you no longer love each other 4. his job is secured for life and he'll never get fired and his business will never fail, 5. he doesnt die and he lives until he is very old

Do you have those guarantees? if not, then its not a great idea. Literally anything could happen if you rely entirely on someone else to support you financially. I have seen it happen in real life to quite a few women I know and they are now in dire financial straits because of it.

Your statement is a bit like saying "what's wrong with not getting house insurance?" Nothing, until something goes horribly wrong.....

Hmm, I'm going to have to disagree OP.
It isn't my husband's job to support me. We're a team. We support each other.

I find men who are willing to father children but palm off all the actual raising of them to a partner because they "provide" to be unattractive.

I don’t have to work, I do because I want to, most of my wages get put into a savings account and goes towards holidays which we do 5/6 times a year depending on where we go!!
Have you considered that it could be the same with your neighbour??

Yes. You could put it that way.

But not just an initial benefit. They should arrange their lives so they are covered for the future.

Look, I’m not saying financial prospect is everything. I’m saying too many women marry for love and then realise this truth. We need to keep balance. A man should be bringing security to a woman.

My sister has ADHD and has a career - the two are not mutually exclusive. She also has kids and a husband. She still can't find her car keys though!

Can’t say I feel one way or another about a man who earns enough for his partner not to need to work. I do have pretty strong opinions about men who don’t do their share of family labour, though. And a man who “likes the fact he can support me, he finds that attractive and masculine” would be a complete turn off. Taking pleasure from that kind of power imbalance is creepy and I’d avoid them like the plague.

It’s not the 1950s. A woman can now bring her own financial security. We aren’t little women who are incapable.

Why should a man be bringing security to a woman?

what about both bringing that security or the woman bringing it? Why left to the man?

If your husband was a low earner when you met him 11 years ago, what on earth do you find attractive about him at that time?

You do you if thats what you want but some of us enjoy the challenges and mental stimulation of working and earning and investing our own money.

I am too intelligent to be happy with mere housework for the rest of my life but if thats all the stimulation you require then good for you!

I didn’t say we were. I said marriage is set up in favour of men, even now.

Women need to be choosy. We are not being choosy (just look at the terrible husbands on here)

A man like that is totally unattractive if he expects a wife/partner to help in what it is 'traditionally' a male role of working to financially support the household but also expects her to do the 'traditional' SAHM/W roles without sharing her burden fairly.

Equally a man who fully financially supports his household and expects his partner to be SAHM is also unattractive if he doesn't help provide means of her being able to survive if he isnt around anymore. If she makes a choice herself to not work then that's up to her to figure out.

I would happily be a SAHM if I had some background investments working for me to ensure I wasnt screwed if DH couldn't support me anymore! It would free up time to do other things perhaps.