If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive?

YANBU at all. Everyone is entitled to find anyone else unattractive for any reason they choose. So long as you accept that many men would find you very unattractive for having the attitude that you do.

I know someone like this. Very well off family and I believe a trust fund. Anyway, her husband works and she stays home.

I can't spend time with her for long periods anymore, because the woman I knew just doesn't exist. She only talks about the children, cleaning, things she's seen on social media, TV shows she's watched, diets, celebrity stuff. The kids are in school now and she doesn't have any hobbies.

She's also annoyed that her old friends have lost interest in her. She's becoming quite a bitter person. She complains about all of the cleaning, but then won't tell her DH to split it because "that's her job" as housewife. It just sounds agonising.

The only time I have not worked full time was when my two children were under 5. It was the most mentally unsatisfactory time of my life. I enjoyed the stimulus working in an academic environment gave me. I also enjoyed the pride my husband and family showed whenever I stepped up the ladder. We are now retired, travelling the world and I get a great deal of satisfaction knowing I have contributed to the cost of this.

At least the terms are clear. Most marriages end with women choosing divorce, statistically. Why do you think this is?

I'm not an animal to be kept and we don't need my salary per se. I like my job, I even like my colleagues. We're a partnership.

My DH actually likes the fact he can support me, he finds that attractive and masculine.

I can pretty much guarantee from this comment that I would consider your husband to be an awful sexist dinosaur, and therefore deeply unattractive. It's lucky for him that we're all attracted to different things!

I’d accept this - if you were 70 and still happily married to the same man. Otherwise, the boasting is premature.

At least you are married so if he does leave you for some girl half your age when you are in your 50s you will get half of whatever share of the family assets he hasn’t managed to hide in the business (self employed men are notorious for doing that).

There’s a significant risk you could end up desperately trying to find employment for the first time in your 50s or alternatively having to turn a blind eye to an affair because you can’t afford to do otherwise while ‘Janet down the road’ who kept her career looks on pityingly.

Edited to say: Please tell me he is paying into a private pension in your name.

Honey, there's plenty of people out there with ADHD or autism or any number of "ism's" that hold a job down.

I mean you're not unreasonable because it's your opinion and you're entitled to it; however I'm deeply horrified by the sexism and level of entitlement behind the statement. I will be teaching my sons that this is a major red flag in potential partners and they have far greater worth than the number on their pay packet.

Ive seen lots of divorces where the women brought the divorce proceedings but the reason they did was due to the husbands adultery. The reasons it’s mainly women who start the process is that the men can’t be arsed and expect their (ex) wife to do all the boring admin stuff.

Do whatever you like.

But I would hate to be in your situation so don't assume everyone shares the goals that you do - I really do not.

I know why it is. "Unreasonable behaviour" on the part of their spouse, which covers a multitude of sins from abuse to alcoholism to an affair. Why do you ask?

I agree. Nothing wrong with that at all! As long as you're happy and it works why not?

Why do you feel sorry for her ? She has a Job. One she may enjoy or have friends at . She has self worth and knows she is contributing to her children's upbringing. They are seeing her set a good example.
She may be very happy with her life and choices .

This is why women need to cover their arse financially. I don’t look down on gold diggers, both parties know exactly what they’re getting, it’s business.

Marriage and love however is a Disney princess concept that no longer benefits women now they can live independently.

Regardless of their financial position, anyone so bored that they want to deliberately get a kicking on AIBU just to pass the time is in desperate need of a fulfilling job or hobby.

Haaaa this is hilarious. 10/10 for quality of baiting.

You've not said where you have got this magic nest egg from that will be yours alone should he divorce you or how much it is.

My friend is "supported" by her husband but they have a very sedate lifestyle where eating out is a treat, holidays are rare and they have nothing much in savings for their kids. Not my idea of fun

I do think it's a goady post but in answer, very few situations are the same. Im in a second marriage, our kids are now adults and dh is a v high earner. However much money I earned wouldn't make a difference to our finances so he couldn't care less, just wants me to be happy. If that's from working fine, if it isn't, great.

I noticed the thread because I've just learnt a friend of mine is leaving her husband. She stated her own business but his is struggling financially and all her friends live very affluent lives. They've been married 25 years, have two amazing kids and I feel like shaking her. Envy is destroying her life.

This. It’s because when the husband turns out to be unfaithful or abusive, unlike the OP, most women these days have their own money and can boot him out.

According to a US study, the female suicide rate dropped dramatically as soon as unilateral divorce (divorce requiring the consent of only 1 party) came in.

https://www.nber.org/digest/mar04/divorce-laws-and-family-violence

So it would be wise to consider finances as paramount

Agree strongly with a PP in that we are guiding our young adult sons away from women who intend to be "kept". Deeply unattractive characteristic that says a lot.

The idea of a man "keeping" me just makes my skin crawl.

Women's careers are as important as men's. Of course partners should support each other when necessary. But it's beyond depressing to see this retrograde notion that a man is always responsible for financially bankrolling a woman. It's a shame that in 2024 women are still buying into this idea to their detriment.

Your original post was about a man being attractive to you if he can afford to keep you. Fair enough, if that’s what floats your boat.

Then you introduce having ADHD as a reason for not working, but in spite of the ADHD you’re able to manage a household, children, cooking and housework, so how can that preclude you from being able to work. Plenty of jobs that involve cooking and cleaning.

Things are fine just now, but life can turn on a pin. You say you are provided for in the event of divorce/ death. I’d hope so, because the longer you leave it, the less likely you are to find employment should you need to.