If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

A wise post.

Yeah she is, she’s pitying her neighbour. And effectively crowing about how turned on she is as her husband can pay for her and she doesn’t need to work.

that’s unreasonable at its core. Many have her set up. They aren’t sitting going on about how it’s attractive and how they pity other women. Or how her husband likes her home and doing the chores. And fancies himself as he’s thinking he’s attractive as he likes dependent women he can pay for.

yup, hugely unreasonable and not very pleasant/

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive?

Well, I think it’s not unreasonable to find that sort of lifestyle of never having to work ever again and just be a pampered housewife attractive.

But it’s not the man you are finding attractive, it is his money.
You’re a material girl, which is ok.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6p-lDYPR2P8

(video is Material Girl by Madonna)

What is the point of this thread because someone who is so affected by adhd that they can’t hold down a job wouldn’t be able to do a good job of running a home. The management of time and keeping focus on the tasks are the same.

If you are jealous of women who have careers just say so.

I find a man who isn't interested in being an equal partner by taking an equal share of childcare and housework unattractive.

I have no issue at all with sah parents, but I think the term "kept" is wildly misogynistic. Women aren't pets.

I'm also inclined to think a man who needs to earn lots of money to feel masculine, probably isn't that masculine. The most secure men I know are the ones who are totally happy to do whatever their family needs from them (and girls need to see their dad's doing housework and childcare if you don't want them to limit their own lives as adults).

My perspective is from someone who settled down for love and is now screwed (temporarily) because of it. If I did it all again I’d choose money.

I quite like independence and contributing to society but each to their own.

I think whatever the agreement / dynamic in your relationship is fine and works for you.

But I do think it’s super shallow to say you wouldn’t find someone attractive if they couldn’t financially afford to house their wife / family.

I personally wouldn’t equate that to attractiveness or not and see financials as a joint venture for most people given the cost of housing etc.

Gosh, your life seems so fulfilling and happy. I just can't imagine why you'd be entertaining thoughts of how attractive other men are.

Love the Cher attitude.

Personally I prefer to fly on twin engines. Dh and I can each carry the family ourselves if the other goes for whatever reason including looking after the dcs and doing the jobs around the house.

OP, it sounds like your dc is still young. As for saying "I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.", I find from experience that the tables are turned once your dcs are teenagers and flying the nest. That poor WOHM who was grafting away with her dcs in primary school is now senior in her job and is bringing in good income and has a life outside of her dcs and her dh. Her dcs have more options for hobbies, tuition, driving lessons, uni fees, house deposits because of her income. It becomes a great time for WOHMs to get their second stride into their careers, more free time and respect from their dhs and move into being an equal force in (early) retirement.

If dcs and your dh are your life and menopause and inevitable aging sets in, it starts looking downhill for you, along with the ever present risk of being traded up. I won't say I feel sorry for you as it will be rude.

This. Or have an allowance. Or have to run it by DH each time I wanted to buy something I liked. Yesterday I ordered a gorgeous dress from Rixo. I didn't even consider mentioning the price nor will DH ask - because it's my money. Eurgh.

Arf! 😄

Ps

He should be able to financially support you whilst you get your own money. Never rely on a man keeping his promise, that will end in tears.

It sounds as though her parents might have cushioned her before her husband was in a position to do so. She probably hasn't ever had to try very hard to hold down a job.

The only thing I would wonder about if you were a SAHM, is just how interesting others would find you? I find baby talk, children talk very boring to be honest, and have a SIL who is house obsessed when it comes to cleaning, tidying, ironing anything, having the perfect home. She a very nice person, and I know is a good at lots of other things, but all she does is…..clean🤷‍♀️
Each to there own of course, income allowing, but I think varied tasks, varied conversations around home, work, hobbies, etc… do make for a more rounded individual

What is so wrong with wanting to be at home so I can easily attend all my child's school events, drop to school and pick up, be the first to hear about their day, cook them dinner and put them to bed

And the poor bugger that's out working doesn't get to do any of it. Nice.

I couldn't think of anything worse than staying at home and letting my husband provide everything. I'd feel like a sponger. I could though if I decided it. Just no.

You can pretend you feel pity if you want, when it's pretty obvious you feel a bit inadequate because you 'cant' do something millions of other women do. Whatever keeps you content with your life.

I genuinely wish you well though. ADHD can be a right pain in the arse when it comes to navigating the world. You've landed on your feet. Embrace your strengths.

It’s not exactly the same. Home life means short bursts of focus and a routine that once set requires little reorganisation. A work day you need sustained focus and flexible organisational skills.

Me too. I enjoy working, being successful and earning my own money, I like being an equal partner, and having the power over my own finances.an equal say in all decisions. And I expect my husband to do his share of the house chores and child care, as he does, willingly. Because we are a team. Partners.

I couldn’t in a million years be attracted to a man who expected me to do all the domestic stuff, when he earned and ultimately controlled the money. No thanks.

now it’s fine if that’s your bag, crack on, and I’d certainly not pity any woman who chose that. Neither would I judge them. It’s great if it works for them.

but id judge a man who wanted that, major ick.id rather do a job I hated than put up with that small dick shit. And I’d judge any woman who judged others and pitied them for not living life as she does.

I think it's unattractive to be a "picket fence wife" with no skills or interests. Wasting your life sitting at home instead of doing something interesting, or useful to society. Your brain dies.

I work with someone who's been a stay at home mum for 10 years, just into the workplace for the first time since, and she's very keen but you can see there's been a lot of decline in logic, problem solving and common sense. Very good at organising and household style tasks, but she's like a hamster beyond that - can do the same few tasks over and over but there's nothing upstairs anymore. A shame because she has a degree and was clearly going places once upon a time.

Your lifestyle suits you, fair enough, you do you.

I do think you are out of touch, I don't know anyone who can just decide to not work / support themselves, because life is expensive and anything can happen to anyone. You're never as secure as you think you are when you rely on someone else.

I think its insulting if you feel sorry for women who work - to me, its the most practical way of looking after yourself.

If you'd ever experienced true love & deep physical attraction OP, you'd know that you'd choose being broke over ever having to let go of that big love of your life. Some people don't have much money but they have that love and stay together for it, not for the income someone can guarantee.

Given that you're talking about the cash your DH brings home as your defining factor in all this, I don't think you've experienced that.

"If a man can't afford to keep" you? You're not a pet, you don't need to be "kept".

Don't feel sorry for me! I love my job. I am an Executive Director and head up a European team who provide contract support in a highly technical medical field. I have a STEM degree and 20 years experience. I earn lots of money, travel all over the world to meet clients and work with an incredible team. I also work from home most of the time, my work is flexible and so I get to be here when my DD gets home from school, I cook dinner, I walk to her lift to school every morning.

I can't imagine how boring it would be to be a SAHM - my brain would melt. I respect others right to choose but I definitely prefer to work.

This 100%

Wouldn't that be shit.

It’s really not. Either you’ve never worked. Or you’ve never been at home. As there is no way anyone who has done both would think it’s similar.