If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

Nah - not for me thanks. I have worked since i was 14, and there have been years where my husbands business struggled and my salary sustained us - because, you know, i dont see him as a cashcow, we work together to make this work. I find your weird flex about finding men who cant 'look after' the family unattractive absolutely offensive and rude. I would have failed as a mother if my children were brought up to think this way. I know a friend who married her husband while he had quite a good job - millions a year, last year he got made redundant, guess who is filing for divorce now? Yup - her. She refuses to work and will live off the millions she gets. Also - if he could no longer run his business, he wouldn’t be able to ‘keep’ you, therefore you’d no longer find him attractive - right? Truth be told - it's you i feel sorry for OP, i cant imagine even feeling the way you do. My mother HAD to work 6 days a week, to help the family, we didnt see her much, but we got to live, through her pay and my dad pay. It was an equal partnership - one, you dont have.

Would you leave you husband immediately if his business failed/closed? If he had a mental or physical issue which meant he could no longer work? Maybe it's not to be taken that literally but what about 'in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer' in the traditional wedding vows?
Not many would sit there and look at identical twins, with very similar personalities and looks, but one is homeless the other a billionaire, and choose the former. But money is not guaranteed in life and neither is health.

Don't school look after the child most of the week?

Well, someone’s got to look after children when they’re under 5, so it’s either that arrangement or two jobs and childcare. Pros and cons to both, but you wouldn’t be unusual if you stayed at home for that period. Frankly childcare is harder than most jobs, especially if it’s 2 under 5.
But once kids are all in school it starts to look like you want something for nothing. Of course that’s an attractive proposition, but it’s not very fair. It assumes you’ve got something to offer in exchange. Have you?

DH and I don't have to pay anyone to look after our children or clean our house, either. We somehow both manage to work and bring up our children and do housework. It's pretty easy, because we're grown ups. And two people cleaning a kitchen takes half the time of one.

Do you do anything useful outside the home?

It used to be that women in your position did at least do charity/voluntary work

How big is your house then, and will your kid be homeschooled?

I certainly don't see anything wrong with you being a SAHP, I think it's more how you started this thread and your wording.

I dare say there are more people out there that would like to stay home and bring up their DC, I did until my youngest DC started school, I then had 3 PT jobs but done during each day, so lots of back and forth.

DH worked long hours, he bought in the brunt of the money and I did all the home stuff, we were fine we bobbed along, it's how we worked together as a team and suited our family at that time but it's not for everyone.

I've read your updates OP, and I think you're doing what we all have a tendency to do, but without any self-awareness: you're (a) trying hard to justify your lifestyle and choices, and (b) asking people to validate them.

The fact that you need to have this conversation suggests some insecurity somewhere that undermines your claim that your setup is so great. Otherwise, you'd just be happy and getting on with it.

It's possible to be content with your own life, without requiring approval or viewing others as lesser. Try that!

Yep

I have a friend who has an ADHD diagnosis - she'd suspected for many years this was the case. She's been working since leaving university - many years ago.

What about when your children are secondary school age - would you not want a job then?

Agreed. We take all the risks with marriage. If he cannot afford to cover financially for those risks, I see no reason to continue.

Love is just dopamine. It’s not serving all these women who have given these men children/their youth and beauty/emotion and nurturing that only a woman can provide and then been tossed aside once used up..marriage, essentially.

I love working.

Working enabled me to leave exDH and find a place to live fairly quickly and simply when I needed too. And I never thought I would need too, but there we go.

I'm glad your life is going well OP. Just be wary that it doesn't always stay that way.

You have described the old-style traditional setup for couples who can afford to live on one salary. You find it attractive and nobody could argue that your preference is 'unreasonable' any more than they could say it's 'unreasonable' only to fancy tall men or ones with red hair. Not everyone feels the same though.

these things should be spoke about before deciding to have a child, what works for some couples won’t work for others. Some women like to work and personally I’d be embarrassed not having my own money I’d earned, even if my husband was happy to share. I do find it unattractive when a woman annd man arent careful with contraception and has a baby despite not being able to afford it/being on benefits. I’m on disability benefit and would never consider having a child until I’m ready to work ( if my seizures stop). Double up on contraception folks.

He also finds a woman attractive who can run the home.

A man who feels like this is incredibly unappealing to me.

I'd never want to be glorified cleaner when the kids are at school.

So what I’m hearing is that you are scared you can’t hold a job down due to ADHD.
If I were your neighbour OP, I’d be feeling sorry for YOU, not the other way around. For loads of women working is really empowering and part of their identity. I’d be lost if I didn’t work and just sat round at home all day and I suspect the older your DC get the more you might feel that way. I like being respected for what I do and I like the social status that comes with my job. As well as the money of course.

And OP are you independently wealthy then? If you have enough to cover you if he left you it sounds like it. So not quite as kept as you make out - you just have money and choose not to work. For most women who don’t have a nest egg, they will be F U C K E D with a capital F if their marriage breaks down.

No more or less unreasonable than a man finding a woman he'd been financially supporting for years unattractive by comparison with a newer younger one who was self supporting I suppose. Because if you centre a person's value in the benefit they bring you rather than their qualities as an equal partner, you'd have to expect them to do the same to you.

What a strange gross post…

My DH actually likes the fact he can support me, he finds that attractive and masculine.

Gods.

I think my vagina just zipped itself shut for the rest of my life.

It's a few years old now, but Leslie Benett's 2007 book The Feminine Mistake is pretty stark on the economic risks to women of being financially dependent on a partner long term. Reading it changed the direction of my life. But OP isn't unreasonable - attractiveness is subjective. Just a bit risky

My only advice for this (and might not be applicable at all to you) is that if you are financially linked by a joint account, mortgage (know you said you rent) that taking out a loan or credit card should be agreed by the other person.

Any bad credit from their side could also impact your ability to borrow in the future as both your credit reports will be searched.

I find these threads so interesting. In my case, I’ve been on mat leave for 10 months now and am really missing having loads of stuff to talk to my husband about - projects I’m proud of, work trips, office gossip, career/earning plans. Besides the usual hobbies. Do you not find there’s an imbalance in the conversations you can offer each other? Or in how you relate to one another?

Also, there are many women with ADHD (me being one) who hold down a job because they have too. Loads of employers are becoming increasingly aware of neurodivergency and provide support where needed. Hell, some employers specifically look for neurodivergent people to employ!

I live in London and am 32. Our household income is £121k (DH on 75k which is not great for London but still above average and top 10% in the country i think) and we own a 2 bed flat which we managed to buy because we lived at his home for 3 years. We have saved and overpaid but we still have around £275k of mortgage left to pay plus if we do buy a bigger flat like i hope we would one day, there would be a much bigger mortgage and therefore all hands to the deck. Our flat is around 400k and that is a small terrace in most of the SE even if we venture outside London.

honestly only marrying a guy who can afford to keep me and still have a decent roof over my head, would mean not only marrying a guy with an above average ibncome but whose family had the good fortune of buying london property in 1989 but also gifted us hefty deposits (or preferablye the whole house). tbh men from families who are able to gift them 6 figure sums of money tend to be well educated with above average incomes anyway, i do think love and compatability is important because what is the point of marrying someone you don't click with, it would just end up in divorce and both of you would be poorer even if you are counting the dollars and cents.

Preferably 100k to 400k (like a guy I know whose parents gifted him a 2 bed house in suburban london and only expects £300 per month in repayment). That guy is still single but I think I would choose DH over him any day.

Also another thing- DH also has a lot of medical conditions that mean just relying on his income would leave us quite vulnerable. We dont have dc yet due to infertility but even with just the two of us,it makes me feel anxious just thinking about only having his income.