If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

Don't you see that you're saying you want all these nice experiences with your children at the expense of your husband having none of them? Why shouldn't you work more to enable him to work less so that he can enjoy these things too? You sound very selfish.

Apparently it's considered the biggest flex for a man to be able to financially support his wife and family. Not saying I agree but the fifties don't seem so bad some days. I support myself btw.

I've got that Kayne West song stuck in my head now ....

Youve kind of contradicted yourself here. You say you’re “not only with him for his money, I would also never leave him if he could no longer run his business.” Surely if he could no longer run his business, he wouldn’t be able to ‘keep’ you, therefore you’d no longer find him attractive?

Or do you actually find him attractive but the money he earns is a bonus? Which makes your original post pointless .. especially as you also say “.. my family supported us and it’s only since starting up his business that we have been in this comfortable position.” Sounds as if you don’t really mind who pays for your lifestyle, as long as it’s not you!

If you were teenagers when you met 11 years ago you're still very young.

I'm self-employed, also neurodiverse, and I'm also around after school every day. So is DH. We share tasks at home.

@sunshinesparklestar do you view your role at home as like a job; with requirements you need to fulfil?

You use the term 'keep me' implying that he needs to meet your financial wellbeing (and assuming that you both have a comfortable existence)

Is there an end of the bargain that you are expected to uphold?

These types of posts are so boring. Maybe make some friends and you wouldn't need to brag to internet strangers. And no I'm not jealous, I make triple what my partner makes and could comfortably look after us, he works as he has self respect and wants to pursue his own interests.

I’m sure your neighbour is glad you pity her.

This.

If this is a real post, then it's such navel-gazing nonsense. Also part of why I chose not to stay at home, as this was the kind of conversation I was greeted with by other people who weren't working (by choice).

I'd have died of boredom.

What is so wrong with wanting to be at home so I can easily attend all my child's school events, drop to school and pick up, be the first to hear about their day, cook them dinner and put them to bed.
^
I'm doing all of this and working. So is DH. You know what makes him attractive to me? Being an equal partner. "Running a home" isn't a thing unless you're homeschooling 4 children or something so stop making out like you're adding value where someone who works doesn't. Fine if want to be a SAHP but it doesn't make you better than someone who's not.^

To be honest OP, if you're incapable of holding down paid employment then what you do or don't find attractive is fairly academic; just thank your stars you've fallen into an arrangement that plays to your strengths.

There is nothing wrong with it.
It's your attitude that you passive aggressively " feel sorry" for women you know nothing about and you don't find "men who can't provide attractive"
You are a happy SAHM and presumably love your DH?
So neither of the above things are anything to do with you?

It sounds like rejection sensitivity/ cognitive dissonance at play .
You cant hold down a job, no need to dress up it up and snipe at women who can.
They have a hell of a lot more choices than you do.
It makes you look lacking in self esteem when you do this.

Trad wife boasting?

You do you. At least it keeps you away from decent men who want equal partnerships.

My DH actually likes the fact he can support me, he finds that attractive and masculine.

Yes I suppose I view looking after the house and child a job, someone has to do it and I like the fact we don't have to pay someone else to do it.

I too admire strong independent woman who make their own money, in some ways I wish I could do that! I have ADHD and really struggle to hold down a job (I always have done) I was diagnosed as a child. but what I can do incredibly well is look after my child, my husband, my home and my pets.

congratulations.

I have ADHD but wasn’t diagnosed till my mid 40s.

Despite it I built a fabulous career and a husband who would find being married to a SAHM a massive turn off. I’m the least domesticated woman ever so I’m attracted to his ability to share the caring responsibilities, despite also having a BIG JOB. I have no idea where nothing is and fell over the dog last night.

Neither of us has any interest in reinforcing gender stereotypes.

Just goes to show we’re all different. In our case, if anything were to happen the other would be able to manage everything. You’re pretty vulnerable if anything happens to your husband. It’s not clear how much parenting/house stuff he does but your kids may be vulnerable if anything happens to you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So, he didn’t earn much before, so presumably he wasn’t attractive to you then? Or did you see him as a good bet?
Come on now - it’s nonsense.
You’ve been fortunate (by your own lights) that’s all. I’d enjoy feeling grateful for that and avoid voicing your internal justifications in RL if I were you.

Don't you have any sense of identity beyond being a mother?

Yes I also love many other things about my DH, he is my best friend and a brilliant father. I am not only with him for his money, I just find that he can support me attractive!

Your husband find himself masculine and attractive as he can pay for a woman??

Everyone is entitled to find what they find attractive attractive, however icky others find it.
Personally I follow the Cher approach.

If she is a SAHM she isn't workshy. Just a stealth boaster "I can't see how anyone can manage without an aga. I just would never choose not to drive a BMW, why do people get the bus I'm so confused"

People have different priorities. People have different goals in life and values. People have different resources.

So what you're saying is that your DH also buys into gender stereotypes?

Is he aware that men and women can go out to work, then come home and split 50/50 chores, childcare, and life admin? Because that's what I find attractive in a man. A partnership.

Well that’s just lovely. Not toe curling at all.

your pity is very unattractive.especially given the definitive. guess what?people,couples,parents,children,families is a full spectrum(you may possibly not be equipped to cope with) KEEP IT REAL.....is inclusive......sit in ivory tower dispensing snide no insight remarks is a skoosh.any bam can be "kept"
IF your fam dynamic works for yall then superb! look in before you look out tho.
incidentally.for the record.i AM a sahm. ....you prob sneer but genuine health issues, single parent per sy...ds1 dad god un,we split,parenting remined unfractured(to extent i sit his new life baby..he did same for mine) ds2 da...well,least sqid soonest mended.
maybe am a whorebag,maybe its maybelline - ....you get loadsa different men,dad or not...

Yes I agree with this. It’s weird to me that some people want to opt out entirely from paid work their entire lives. It’s a deeply unequal relationship if you expect someone else to “look after you” financially.

ofc some people (mainly women) do give up work or work part time with young children. But that’s not at all the same thing as what op is proposing