If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I can't believe people are giving this thread the time of day.

I'm going to get absolutely crapped on for this but here goes.

Idk if it's because I'm wealthy now and grew up very poor, I mean really dirt poor. But I find the idea of being taken care of extremely sexy. It's not some traditional wife shit because I don't want to bake or raise kids. I guess after struggling and looking after myself there's a deep feeling of security knowing that if I suddenly couldn't I'd be fine and I'd not have to suffer or go without.

I'm lucky now, very comfortable and I'm grateful for it. But being spoilt, bought things and generally looked after still makes me insanely giddy.

So what on earth is your AIBU? Your statement that you only find men who can support you is evidently untrue since you were attracted to your husband before he had the means to support you 🤷🏼‍♀️.
So your Aibu is … what? AIBU to find my husband attractive and to be happy with my life as a SAHM? Obviously YANBU. You do you.

I don’t think she thought this one through.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive?

Dont worry, I’m sure most men would find someone with your attitude equally unattractive.

I'm sorry to everyone that I have offended, that really wasn't my intention. I am all for strong independent women, like I said most of my family are.

But what is so wrong these days with finding a man who can support you? That was the way of life many years ago and some women/men are still probably drawn to that lifestyle for many reasons.

I also know my neighbour and know that she doesn't want to work but has to, hence why I feel sorry for her, I am actually a very empathetic person. Like I have said many times I do not feel sorry for women who want/like to work.

What is so wrong with wanting to be at home so I can easily attend all my child's school events, drop to school and pick up, be the first to hear about their day, cook them dinner and put them to bed.

I was raised by a wonderful mother but was often absent due to work commitments and a father who also ran a business and was hardly at home. I took on the role of looking after my sibling and wished my parents would sit down with me more often and pay me attention.

Also everyone with ADHD/Autism have their own struggles, some people are highly intelligent and some not so much, some people manage to hold down jobs and some do not, some manage to maintain relationships and some do not.

Don’t you think it makes you quite unattractive though, OP, to not only be incapable of supporting yourself and your family, but not to recognise this as something you should be doing as a grown adult and to think it’s someone else’s responsibility?

You're a Trad wife OP. Hopefully, you never get divorced or your husband's business fails.

Your implication that ‘I wish I could be one of those women who are able to work, I’ve never been able to’ due to ADHD is simply infuriating. Many women with ADHD are able to a) get a job b) thrive c) be incredibly successful.

Futhermore, if you are able to be an excellent wife, mother and pet owner (all of those titles require skills above and often beyond a normal ‘job’) - then your ADHD is certainly not holding you back.

What will you do when your children are no longer in need of a full time mother? Continue being a 1950s style housewife until you die? I’m not a career girl but I love my job and having my own income. I don’t know how you can have a happy and fulfilling life just being someone’s wife.

My marriage is a partnership. We both worked, and saved, and paid the bills, and we both did the domestics. We are equals, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wouldn’t want to rely on a man to support me. As my dad said to me…a man is not a plan.

I dont find men without means attractive, I like to feel its an equal partnership. But when I was younger it didnt bother me as we were both starting out.
I also tried being a SAHP but it was so boring, and drudgy - even with a cleaner and childcare! I got back to work asap and havent looked back, I need that professional stimulation and confidence it gives me. And I find SAHPs my age quite dull, especially ones who have been at home for decades. To each their own!

You’re clearly only with your husband for money. I guess it will remain a mystery to the rest of us what your husband sees in you. Perhaps you’re cheaper than a full time housekeeper? It’s difficult to see what else you bring to the table. It’s certainly not your benevolent and empathetic personality.

On MN, we discover it's fine to be attracted to men who refuse to have joint finances. It's all 'go those posters' because apparently this is now 'independence.'

It's fine to be attracted to men who expect you to put your child in full-time daycare asap. Apparently this is 'independence' too.

Fine to have 2 parents who work all hours and see their kids less than they would like and are exhausted juggling everything. It's that good old 'independence' thing again, after all.

Fine to employ nannies - anything. Literallly anything as long as a woman is not daring to want to be around for her own kids and, by extension, 'living off a man.' Heaven forbid!

Inly in MN are we told that a job, in and of itself, equals 'independence.' Never mind what the actual job is or how much it pays relative to lifestyle choices. No, such minor details such as this need not be known.

MN is a weird place.

OP, this is what you said “I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family?”

Not “I love the fact that my DH can support both of us - I find it very attractive”

I hope you can see the difference.

Everything here is a mirror image of the SAHD thread the other day (where OP outed himself as a troll by namechange fail). Even down to the ND diagnosis. The "I have so much empathy, I'm such a nice person", the mentioning of family.

Not saying it's the same person, but it's all very interesting. Do you like making 3 course meals, OP?

I don’t work, I could if I fancied it but I don’t right now I quite enjoy just doing what I want. I don’t think I’d of been happy if I couldn’t have had the time with the children at home before they hit school age. That was important to me. But I’d also happily live in a small studio flat if that’s all we had.

DH works but doesn’t need to, but you can always make more money so it’s a little hamster cycle. Spin, spin, just keep spinning the wheel.

It's incredibly patronising to feel sorry for women who chose to be independent or even in partnership with their husband.
How can you both respect that choice and feel sorry for them? It's an oxymoron.

I actually read that SAHD thread the other day and can promise I am not the same person! And no I don't like to make 3 course meals (maybe that makes me an awful SAHM, I don't know)

I imagine you have very little to talk about OP, and I would find your boasty condescension quite tiresome.

Will you still find him attractive if his business hits tough times?

So why start a thread when the answers will only be similar? The vast majority of women there said how much they loved working, how SAHMs don't usually choose to stay at home, and how they wouldn't keep a man nor expect to be "kept". Is there something different you expected to hear in this thread?

OP your post sounds like a gloat. In the 1950s when a man was expected to support his family discrimination was legal, women were sacked from many jobs when they got married, it was legal to pay women far less than men for the same job, or to discriminate against women with children etc etc.
Many couples now have no choice other than for both to work to support their family. You can find men who don't earn a lot unattractive if you like, but it does make you sound ridiculously out of touch.

I remember when ‘no scrubs’ came out- I remember thinking how awful it was- the people who sing along are the sort of people who use terms like ‘mammy’s boy’ as they got out shopping with their own mum and dad, so sexiest. Op how is a relationship teamwork if it’s built on the backward attitude that puts all the financial strain on one person’s shoulders? Fair enough if they have the resources for one to do it comfortably or if circumstances force one to stay at home but do you not equate the cliche of the silent, nen child friendly stressed dad with a regressive mindset? Surely a couple works better together?

Sounds like a very transactional relationship to me.

I could be a SAHP if I wanted, met my husband when we were both broke students, but have since done very well for ourselves.

Being a SAHP doesn’t appeal to me personally. I often think about how I’d feel if my DD did the same and I’d feel guilty if I modelled that for her. So I model what I want her instead… a highly educated & financially independent woman in a very influential role. It is my aim for her to live a life without limits, so she can then make whatever choices she wants.

Feels quite ironic that, if you saw me coming and going each day, you might feel sorry for me. Because I’d be across the street feeling sorry for you.