If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

That's nice for you @sunshinesparklestar how lovely - never to ever have supported yourself in anyway - odd that you found your husband attractive when you needed your family to support you.

I married a very successful man and had 3 kids. I continued working despite pressure from him as I didn't 'need' to.

When he cheated I was able to throw him out and buy a house in my name for myself and the kids - I also have a pension for my old age - thank fuck I never bowed to his pressure.

I hope you have a very long marriage because the downside of being 100% dependant is when he's not there to do it.

It makes evolutionary sense that women would good providers more attractive, and men would find good home makers more attractive

Of course YANB to find certain characteristics attractive. You've gone from being financially supported by your parents to being finally supported by your husband. It's what you know and prefer.

A man who wanted/expected me to look after the home full time would be deeply unattractive to me.

On one hand I think it's natural to want a partner to be able to support you and historically the male would be the provider.
However, that is not how modern day is. My husband supported me earlier in our relationship when I earned alot less than him. Now I match his salary and he was hating his job. So I encouraged him to leave and find a new one which in the end meant a pay reduction. He is much happier now and I am happy that I could do that for him. He still earns well and has potential to increase aswell. Don't feel sorry for your neighbour, you don't know their situation. I work 32 hrs a week and I enjoy it, I could.not be a SAHM because I don't want to be..also like PP says would not be I attracted to him if he lost his earnings ?

I think it's each to their own. I'm sure there are lots of people who would find you unattractive for not being able to hold down a job.

Out of interest then would you consider a man who's unable to have a high paying job due to ADHD as unattractive? Do you just have the luxury of that being acceptable because you're a woman?

I'm one of those terribly unfortunate people who has to work full time 😄 as DH retired early on health grounds (and I currently have DD at university to support!).

Luckily I love my job (and I love being financially independent).

The world has long moved on from the man being the bread winner and SAHMs. My mum who died last year at 96, worked full time for as long as I can remember cos we could not manage on my dad's wages alone.

🤣🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏👏👏

never had a man support me in any way financially, even though I'm a low earner
Never will - always 50/50 and I live alone now so support myself
I feel sorry for YOU

I'd only date a man who could support me if I needed it. Is that shallow? No more than having any other standards like only dating men over 6ft etc. I'm wealthy, so it's never actually been a concern but why would I want somebody who couldn't?

I enjoy sleeping and swanning about. I don't have any kids because I don't want the work lol.

you feel sorry for your neighbour?! If I were judging by my own standards I’d feel sorry for you! But I don’t , because I know people are different , and different sorts of lifestyles make different sorts of people happy. I’d hate to live my life financially dependent on a man, and to have no career/ projects outside of childcare and domestic duties. But you do you OP!

I earn 180k a year. I don't need you to feel sorry for me. Oh and I'm a lone parent and managed to bring my kid up on my own without resorting to being a stay at home support human to a man. I'm also neurodivergent.

You do you OP, but try not to be a prick about it because you are leaving yourself in a very vulnerable position.

I mentor young women at work when I have time, I always tell them the most important thing is financial independence.

I could choose not to work but I work full time because I want to have a career, and someone my children can look up to to. I'm proud and assured that I could still support myself if my husband or I were to finish our relationship.

Have you seen threads on here of women who have become SAHM?

Don't feel sorry for me ,I feel sorry for you because what would you do if it were all to end.

I get to buy what I want , when I want and contribute to financial decision making and that does not come with dependence no matter what people say. Their money, their choice .... Oh and financial agreements are great when people love each other , all you need to know are couples who have divorced and you see how dirty it all really becomes.

Feel sorry for men too..the lack of equality
Love doing what I want when I want and buying what I want whether I need it or not
Just spent about 3k kitting out my lounge with Ian Snow furniture, no ex would ever have agreed to that even if we split the cost
Independence is everything

So, you met as teenagers, you've barely worked but you have "things in place" to provide for you should he leave you? What's that, some kind of midlife crisis insurance?
I could never depend on a man like that. If he decides to leave, you're stuffed.

At least you're honest 😄 And if you have your own money it's not a concern for you.

I've never been rich but I've always been able to support myself. I'm extremely independent and I couldn't bear to be financially dependent on anyone. I realise not everyone feels this way though.

For clarity my husband would find you deeply unattractive as you’ve never stood on your own 2 feet. Sounds like you went from mummy and daddy bankrolling you, to your husband doing the same. He doesn’t find dependent woman with no life of their own as attractive. I have children and a neurodiversity diagnosis but somehow manage to work

Hopefully you have a decent pension set up and a plan b. Should your husbands business fail and / or you split up

Well if you and your DH broke up I’m afraid the dating pool would be pretty small. I would say most men couldn’t afford for their partner to not work ever again in the current day without relying on extra benefits

I’m bi and find it unattractive when women don’t have their own money or ambitions and expect others to work to support them. Financial dependence is your choice, but I prefer making and keeping my own money

And how do you know so much about the “couple down the street” that you know she has to work rather than wants to?

wow.. Yeah not sure what to say. Sounds a bit like those 'treat me like princess' posts you see on dating sites.

The difficulty women have these days is that they fought (and not a bad thing) to have 100% equality with men on all levels. However having achieved (mostly) that equality, some women often want to go back to 'but, but..I'm a woman, treat me like a lady' stuff. You're a man you should pay for dates out etc etc.

So the lesson to the OP is , you can't have it both ways, cherrypicking the ocassions when you want equality and then the other times when you want to be treated differently, as the fairer sex...and all that .

I'm sure they'll be fine.

SAHMs are always so smug about how they are the best mummys in the world while the rest of us neglectful mums abandon our children for work.

Staying at home and not needing to work is a privilege in today's economy and anyone with any kind of privilege is often told to shut up on MN because they don't know what struggles everyone else has.

So I'm sure their privilege and smugness will keep them warm at night.

Mumsnet is so spiteful these days I'm honestly not surprised the way this thread has gone but in my experience it's the SAHMs that like to judge the rest of us that gets people's backs up they certainly can't expect protected status here.

YABVU

Be careful what you wish for. When I first met my SIL she ‘disapproved’ of women working. Fast forward 30 years. She is stuck in a stale marriage. Had a long term affair but can’t leave, as she has no income.

I have also seen instances of men trading up for younger wives later on.

Sorry, but unless you have an independent source of income, you may regret it in years to come.

I find it really unattractive when anyone has their hands out expecting to be a paid for. Man or woman, and who pity Judges others.

ugly in fact.

This is an interesting mirror image of the SAHD post that has been raging the last couple of days. Maybe take a look if you’re not already aware of it OP.