Would you become pregnant at 47 if....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

*Also posted in pregnancy

You desperately know you've always wanted a 2nd child and it never went away ... tried but failed many times.... would you go for donor eggs and partner sperm and just do it ? Many celebrities do it late into 40s.... its now or never. I'm just thinking you regret the things you never did... aibu to just do it ? Has anyone you know or have you done this ??

Is that a typo when you say your MiL is only 30 years older than you?! So she is already in her mid 70s?

My mum was nearly 47 when I was born. She was an amazing mum and I had a very happy childhood. When I was a teenager the fact that she was older than my friends parents didn't make a difference in any way.
Her mum had twins at 46 so maybe late pregnancy runs in our family.
The hardest thing was losing her when I was 40 and she was nearly 87. I envy people that still have their mums.

Forget to mention my brother who was 21 when I was born

Bear in mind that these days kids don't move out at 18 or even at 22. They live at home for far longer and need much more support than we did.

She's only 20 years older than me !! She started very young ;-)

I don’t think that 40 is a terrible age to lose a parent, to be honest. I was 39 when my Mum died. It slightly blows my mind that my mother-in-law, who is 70, still has her mother living. But she is actually struggling, at 70, coping with co-ordinating care for a 90 year-old with dementia.

I would say to someone ‘I don’t think it’s fair to have a child if you expect them to be part of your care team as they grow’ if they gave any indication that’s what was expected of them

but OP didn’t say that , and yet people are calling her selfish?

That pp was absolutely right to call out the implied ableism.

Typical ill health that comes with older/elderly people is often not the same sort of care that comes with younger people who are or become disabled. Loss of cognitive function is typical, not just through dementia but as part of other conditions and natural aging of the brain. At which point expectation of care differ.

I'm not sure that your anecdote about knowing two women in their forties who have had babies with DS is very relevent to this particular discussion. Did you miss the part of the original post where the OP stated she was planning on using donor eggs? Using donor eggs largely negates the increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities which are often associated with advanced maternal age. What this means, in practice, is that the statistical likelyhood of chromosomal issues for a 47 year old egg recipient would be adjusted to match the age of the egg donor. Since most egg donors are younger, under 35, this is one of the reasons why donor eggs may be used by women in their forties. I know there can be other health complications for older mothers, regardless of use of donor eggs, but increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities is one risk which can be reduced by donor eggs.

Wasn’t there a link being looked into between older men and autism however so if her dh is also late 40’s his sperm also carries an increased risk of disability itself.

Correct:

https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/link-parental-age-autism-explained/

"How big is the increase?
The results of studies vary from 5 to 400 percent. One 2017 study based on whole-genome sequencing of nearly 5,000 people suggests that parents in their mid-40s are 5 to 10 percent more likely to have a child with autism than are 20-year-old parents.
But a large 2014 study based on Swedish medical records hinted that the odds of autism among children born to fathers older than 45 are about 75 percent higher than for children born to fathers in their early 20s. And a 2010 analysis of Swedish data found that men over 55 are four times as likely to have a child with autism as men under 30."

The post I quoted was specifically suggesting that the poster would have an increased risk of chromosomal issues due to her age, I merely pointed out that this was irrelevent since the OP was planning on using donor eggs thus largely taking her age out of the equation when assessing the statistical likelyhood of chromosomal abnormalities. The age of the father was not under discussion, that feels like it should be an entirely separate thread.

NO!!!!
Apart from everything else, factor in the higher risk of a disabled child, and how you would cope with that in your family.

That an interesting study, however were these older men starting their families later regardless? Because autism is hereditary, it’s most likely a child is autistic because one or both parents are (usually undiagnosed). And those with autism may not have serious relationships until they’re older because of social difficulties.

I would like to see how many people on the study were having children at 47 years old.

I don’t think it would account for all of those.

Absolutely not. No way. I was post menopause by 46 anyway.

I think a lot would be as I said before do over families.

The types where the men have traded in for a younger model who now wants her own children while his others are now late teens to 20’s.

You don’t? Because the majority of autistic people have a parent who can be identified as having autistic traits themselves. There are absolutely cases of children having genetic conditions which also presents with autism and genetic conditions are more likely to occur in older parents. But if that article is specifically speaking about autism independently, I’d want to see the stats on the parents in terms of if they had NT children at a younger age and if the parents themselves had been assessed for autism.

I totally relate to this @Noangelbuthavingfun and I don’t think people who haven’t struggled with fertility and/or loss will quite comprehend that yearning feeling. We’ve decided against going for it again because while we don’t feel like our family is complete our child has SEN so that’s an added layer of complication and we don’t feel at our age as though we’ll have the energy to do it all again (as in both physically and the emotional toll if things don’t go smoothly again) That’s our story though. If you feel it’s something you can do then follow your instincts. Just wanted to come on and say I can completely relate to having to make this decision xx

This is a lovely post @housethatbuiltme and is a reminder that we find happiness when we just embrace the life and love that is there for us. Old parents, young parents, slightly tired older parents, slightly immature parents. The main thing is to appreciate .

No I wouldn’t my sis in law did at 50 and had twins and then couldn’t cope I think it’s selfish as those children are more like to lose their parents when they are young. I had twins at 34 and it nearly finished me off!

OP, please be kind to yourself and get some help to deal with the sadness.

Shocked at these answers! There are no guarantees in life. Having a baby younger does not necessarily mean they will have a healthy parent, or that you will have a healthy baby. If you have a supportive partner and you feel another child would complete your family, you should absolutely have that option. My only hesitation in your case is that you’re crowd-sourcing opinions which means there might be something in your gut telling you it’s the wrong decision.

It might not but the odds are certainly more in your favour.

have a baby at 26 vs 46. Everyone lives a long healthy life the baby born to the 26 year old still has many more years with their parent and their children with possibly a grandparent.

A disabled child again born to the 26 year old will have many more years of support than the one born to the 46 year old. Before a sibling or the government basically has to step in and be their career if they are incapable of living alone.