Would you become pregnant at 47 if....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

*Also posted in pregnancy

You desperately know you've always wanted a 2nd child and it never went away ... tried but failed many times.... would you go for donor eggs and partner sperm and just do it ? Many celebrities do it late into 40s.... its now or never. I'm just thinking you regret the things you never did... aibu to just do it ? Has anyone you know or have you done this ??

The factors that are thought to explain these better outcomes include: financial stability (/relative wealth), life experience, length of marriage (for those in a partnership) , emotional maturity y, education… The list could go on… do you think these factors peak at 35? Of course they don’t- especially in modern society- they keep accumulating to well past 50. A woman’s biological peak for fertility lasts from late teens to late 20s, but in the world we are living in today social factors are much more important (a 19 yr old will have less risk of giving birth to a baby with downs than a woman age 31, but most babies will be born healthy and then what happens…: )Yes, biologically , our reproductive health declines after our 20s; the relative biological risks of having children in our 30s and then in our 40s are real but marginal (and mostly dealt with/ over during pregnancy); meanwhile the economic and social advantages of being an older parent are lasting and big.

I have no issue with donor gametes in principle or older parents (be a bit hypocritical if I did, because I had my only child using donor sperm a couple of years ago in my early forties ).

However I’m just not sure it’s fair on a potential DC2 to use donor gametes if you didn’t with DC1. I can’t help wanting things to be equal for siblings as much as possible and it’s what puts me off personally trying for a second DC with donor eggs (if my planned last IVF transfer with my own eggs doesnt work- sadly it’s only a very small chance 😢).

Might be worth contacting the Donor Conception Network charity for their advice, but I somehow worry that DC2 might feel “lesser” somehow compared to the genetic child? I hope I’m wrong if you do decide to go that route, but I think Ive decided personally I’ll have to continue to be grateful that I’m lucky enough to have the one child (even though like yourself, I always dreamed of two and sometimes feel bad he’s hasn’t got siblings). Infertility is so unfair, sorry

If you are using your own eggs- yes. (Simply- most women will be able to get pregnant at 40, but not 47). But if you are using donor
eggs- much more nuanced / context dependent .

I’m in exactly the position. DC were very long to come along (multiple ivf’s etc) and whilst I wouldn’t be without them now, being in my 50’s with kids still at primary school is really hard going!! Gawd only knows if we’ll ever be able to retire 🤷‍♀️🙈

I had my so (DE) when I was 45 and DH 49. We were 10 years trying (multiple failed OE and DE attempts). I was close to giving up, but got there in the end. Ideally I would have been a Mum at 36/37, but that wasn’t the hand I was dealt. I am now 47 and generally have found the parenting pretty straightforward, I don’t think I in any more tired than I would have been 10-20 years ago. I am fit and exercise most days. What I am finding difficult is my lack of support. My parents are in their 70s and my Dad has dementia and I feel terribly guilty that I can’t help as much with my parents. The other set of grandparents are in their 80s and I’m only child, so we really have no one but us, so do nothing childfree, but that is ok. We both are high earners and have secure jobs. Our son is our world and I think he makes us feel a lot younger! I was tempted to go again, but after 5 miscarriages (from DE transfers ) we decided to quit while we were ahead and enjoy our miracle.

I had DD at 40, I'm now 46. I felt great at that age but it's been a bit of a downhill slope since then with tiredness, menopause etc. No way would I have a child now!! And in a more practical sense if both our kids go to uni, we really need to work until they're both graduated - full time. That takes us both 'nicely' to 60. So in theory we can retire any time from them. I wouldn't like the thought of 'having' to work into my late 60s to support the kids.

Definitely not. For the sake of the child.

There was a thread on here recently where the mum was asking for reassurance for her 17 year old daughter. She was an older mum - she said 15 years older than her daughter's friends' parents - and her daughter kept worrying about her dying soon. Not an unreasonable worry for a 17 year old with, in your scenario, a 64 year old mum.

Congratulations. We are a bit similar to you, in that we have one child and no grandparents on the scene (my parents dead, DH’s live several hours away and are frail). We’re both high earners too. I was 43 when DS was born, though DH is a little younger than me. I think at 2 not that many people do child free things anyway because 2 year olds are not that keen to be left, but gradually he’ll be OK with babysitters and then sleepovers. My tip is for you and DH to both take a day off work now and again while your DS is in the normal childcare you use for work.

Could you elaborate on the angry with parents ? Because they are older ?

I think that’s less of a thing now because people do age less slowly.

I grew up with a boy who was a very late only child and by the end of school they were turning up very grey-haired in those shoes you order online for older feet and grandparent cardigans. But these days people are in trainers etc, women esp can colour hair etc and people tend to keep fitter and more mobile. This boy was s lovely guy and never said a word to any of us, but you could see him slightly redden when they wore or did something especially grannyish. No anger evident though.

But I would add having children later was less common then. In parts of London now it’s almost a bit squeamish if your parents look too young, and I know one family having issues because the parents can’t yet afford what the dc of older parents are getting. So there’s always things to navigate with Dc.

My friend’s mom was 45 when she had her and she has never felt embarrassed. Her mom is now in her 80’s. Every one is different. Only you can make the decision here. In my eyes if they are given all the love in the world then what does it matter, so many children don’t get that.
I was 37 and 38 when I had mine and yes I wish I had them younger, simply so I would be more likely to have more time with them, but I didn’t and that’s that. I would still love more but I’m 43 and single so I have to accept it’s unlikely to happen.

I would say go for it if you're fit and healthy and have the love and energy to give.
Lots of people will say a parent is too young, too old, too selfish, too poor, they could be taken away for drugs, alcohol, domestic violence.

There's no perfect but if you have a heart full of love and can support their needs you're in a better position than some.
Energy wise you might feel the strain but again some people in their 20s have less energy than some in their 40s.

The give it a go? The question you asked is 'would you' not 'should I' so pp are staying what THEY would do. You don't need their permission. But if you're posting it suggests that you're unsure and you can think of some 'cons' are you looking for people to talk you out of it?

Or spending your child's uni holidays travelling with them (if they were up for that!) and being able to go and visit them in their uni town

Before I had my second, had it happened naturally I probably would have gone through with it at 47 as I was desperate for a second child. At 44 I was told that I'd need donor eggs for DC2/the chances of conception with my own eggs was the same whether I tried naturally or via IVF. We decided not to go down the IVF route and I tried to accept that a second child wouldn't happen and focus on DC1. As it happens I fell pregnant naturally a few months later & was lucky enough to have a healthy DC2 at 45. 2 years later, if I fell pregnant by accident now I'd have to have a long hard think about it & would I think reluctantly with a heavy heart not proceed with it although you don't really know unless and until you are faced with the choice. Donor eggs for me personally though, no. I wanted a full sibling although I can't explain why its just how I felt. I very much sympathise OP, my desire for a second got stronger if anything as time went on its a difficult place to be.

Just to answer a few questions... comments. My DC is absolutely my world and of course he is "enough" for me. I adore him. He's also fiercely independent (as his mom) and I dread the day HD leaves home. I have so much more love to give. We are financially secure and have a great support network (mu MIL is only 30 years older than me !) And she does a lot for the nieces and nephews. Having said that if she didn't we can afford help and nursery etc.
I regret thinking I'd spend thd time with my son until he goes to school snd then gsvd a 2nd. I fell pregnant so easily... the 2nd time it took 2 years and then miscarriage after miscarriage. But we always wanted a 2nd. Our family just doesn't feel complete for me.
I would never expect my son to help with care - he has his life to live and would nit expect either child to look after us in old age - in my culture they don't anyway so we need to make provision for ourselves. I think if something happened to us then my hysbands family is large and with much younger siblings (13 years) so kids would have a family and not be alone
I'm not looking fir people to talk me out of it - i suppose I'm also constrained in my thinking due to social norms and find the views of people that have done this refreshing and giving me hope ! Perhaps I should have asked "have u done this". Children are an absolute blessing. I get so emotional when I see younger mums that fall pregnant at drop of a hat and don't even want the children..
I think adopting isn't an option as at least with donor the child if it happened... would be biologically my husbands.
People saying about gcses etc do have a valid point as I donf want my son to feel compromised. But family for me us a blessing and far outweighs the small sacrifices and inconveniences mentioned.
I'm fit and healthy at the moment thankfully !! I'll have a long and honest discussion with DH and won't do it unless we are both 100% in. I'd only try it once and if it didn't work I'd accept (although difficult ) that it wasn't entirely to be and know that I really tried everything (although a little later than I should have.....)
Thanks to everyone that has been kind to me

Can I say the amount of ableism on thread like this is always shocking and worrying... its barely a step of eugenics.

My mam was perfectly fit and healthy when she had me in her teens, by 22 she was bed bound though no fault of her own and it was completely unpredictable. I had a FANTASTIC childhood with my single disabled mother.

Yes I have been her carer, she was also mine thats how life works, I was not burdened by it and I have ZERO resentment to anything. She was the most incredible person I ever met and a fantastic role model of strength and resilience. I also flew then nest and had my own life just like all my friends with non-disabled parents.

I myself am also disabled, it does not make me a bad/selfish mother on any planet because I have 'care needs' that a healthy person doesn't. That kind of thought process led to the Nazi sterilizing and killing lots of disabled people.

I'm sorry it comes across that way to you @housethatbuiltme. I think the main issue is that older parents worry about who will look after their child when they can no longer do so, especially with the lack of resources these days.

With respect, you’re projecting. No one is saying a child wouldn’t love or care for their mother - disabilities or not. But it is a harsh truth that it’s unfair to have a child knowing they may have to become a caregiver in their growing years. No one knows what the future holds and you’d certainly not expect to become in need of care at 22. But you know there’s a realise and increasing chance of needing help/support/care post 60/70. Even if the OP’s child was 30, in the first few years of setting up home/in a serious relationship/having kids themselves - they could have 80 year old parents who could be developing aged related health issues such as dementia. The child may be using the last years before they reach middle age themselves being a high support carer for their parents.

Im glad you had a great childhood, but it’s not the case for many young carers who are often burnt out before they even get going in their own lives.

Well it's correct in Northern Ireland

'No one knows what the future holds and you’d certainly not expect to become in need of care at 22.'

My mam became disabled suddenly but I have been disabled since birth, so it was fine for my mam to have me but I shouldn't have had kids because I already knew I was disabled so therefore automatically selfish?

My kids are not my carers by the way, that is your own projection. People can't win on this thread if they die fast in middle age its selfish, if they die slow of old age its selfish the only acceptable one is if they die very young because then its just tragic (under the caveat that they had to be healthy/non disabled previously though of course).

That is the eugenics type talk again.

Again, you’re projecting comments I never made. I said it’s unfair for kids to be put in positions of being carers, not that people with disabilities shouldn’t have children. They’re not mutually exclusive situations. I’d never say ‘you can’t have children because you have a disability’, I would say to someone ‘I don’t think it’s fair to have a child if you expect them to be part of your care team as they grow’ if they gave any indication that’s what was expected of them.

I'm sorry if I missed it - but how old is your son? You mentioned that you'd like him to have a sibling, but is he likely to be going off to university etc before they would be able to have a meaningful relationship? They may both end up having effectively been only children, if that is something that concerns you.

People saying about gcses etc do have a valid point as I donf want my son to feel compromised. But family for me us a blessing and far outweighs the small sacrifices and inconveniences mentioned.

Sounds worrying for your existing child not going to lie. That they would need to sacrifice and be inconvenienced during important years to fulfil a desire for a baby.

And then as someone else said you’d be raising your new baby as a mostly only child if your current is about to be getting ready for GCSEs so a current year 10 would be year 11 if a baby happened quickly.