Would you become pregnant at 47 if....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

*Also posted in pregnancy

You desperately know you've always wanted a 2nd child and it never went away ... tried but failed many times.... would you go for donor eggs and partner sperm and just do it ? Many celebrities do it late into 40s.... its now or never. I'm just thinking you regret the things you never did... aibu to just do it ? Has anyone you know or have you done this ??

My friend had a (surprise) baby in her mid forties and although she was thrilled at the time because she had always wanted a second dc, it really hasn't been easy for her. She split up from her dh when the dc was in primary school,

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves That's similar to what happened to my friend whom I've referenced, her ex walked out when their dc was three.

What does your DH think about trying for another baby, OP? It's crucial that he's totally onboard and not going along with it because you want another child.

It's an emptiness I feel never goes away. I fill it with material and stupid stuff and the hole is never full its even worse now my son is a teenager

Aside from the age issue you actually can’t solve an emotional feeling emptiness with children any more than material things. It’s an existential part of the human condition. A child might take your mind off it for a while, but when they’re a teenager the hole will reappear.

That’s why empty nesting is a tricky time for parents as they have to face the stuff that kids helped them avoid.

Thank you I appreciate it ... I got the puppy.. I love him dearly and he enriched our lives so much I got another 😆 and I still want the baby... that's how I know I need to push through with this .. only once if it doesn't work then I've tried everything. I'm scared as he'll though and I would only do it if my husband was fully on board too . Its not just for me... I think it would do my son the world of good snd I worry about him being an only child. We have a big wider family though- if we went ahead with it said baby would have close cousins aged 2 to 12...

OP isn't 50. She's in her 40s.
Anyhow, it is NOT unfair to be an older parent.
It is unfair on a child to be born to a shit parent.
It's unfair on a child to be born in to poverty. It's unfair on a child to be born to parents who have alcohol or drug dependencies.
It's unfair on a child be born to abusive parents.
It is NOT unfair on a child to be born to older parents if they are loving, affectionate, emotionally/mentally/financially stable, well, healthy, attentive to their child's needs and dedicated to being a good parent.
I am a Health Visitor. And I'll tell you what safeguarding cases I'm working with. It's with children who are born to mums who are not capable of keeping their child safe and well cared for. And those mums are all different ages, including the age range that you purport to be the most desirable.
Not once, ever, in 25 years of working in the safeguarding of children, have I ever dealt with a case where a safeguarding concern was raised because of the mother being 47 when she had her baby.
People on this thread desperately need to develop some maturity in their thinking.

I know someone who's Mum was 47 when he was born. He loves his parents but is now in a caring role for them at quite a young age.

His older siblings were able to build independent lives for themselves but he has gone straight from being in their care to being their carer. It weighs very heavily in him.

People have always died young.

My nan lost her own mother at just 5 year old quite quickly from Parkinsons in the 1920's, my dad lost his mam to a sudden aneurysm in his 20s when she just collapsed one day while having a cup of tea.

I just lost a friend who was only 34, went to sleep and didn't wake up. Every year more and more people around me that are my age seem to die (and I'm only in my 30s).

People die suddenly and young in all generations.

I'm sure someone else has already asked but would you not consider adoption if you're already considering donor eggs and sperm?

It's not that ... I'll feel like our family is complete if we are a unit of 4. I've always wanted 2... many people know exactly how big they want their family to be. I've had the best years of my life raising my child and it aches knowing i never got to have the 2nd

I was 45 when I had Ds, we're all fine here. I'm 66 now and he will not be my carer as I get older.

This. ^ And I think it's a myth that people who have children later (like 40+) make 'better' and more patient parents. That line is sold to women to make them think it's OK to put off motherhood til their 40s.

Whilst very rewarding in many ways, it's hard work raising children when you're say 18-35ish, but having little kids in your middle age, (and menopausal years) is something I would never choose. How in the name of hell are you going to be more patient?!

And yeah, most people in their 50s will be grandparents by then. Far more normal and natural to be a grandparent at 55, than a mum of a 7-8 year old at that age! 😖

And that poor child.

.

It’s a very personal choice. Here I am not wanting to be much over 35 with 2 children, currently trying to conceive now and it’s taking longer than expected. Everyone is different. The obvious reason of you’ll be elderly when you finally have grown up children is something you can’t really ignore IMO.

But in answer to the question 'would you become pregnant at 47?' - no, absolutely not. Perimenopause/menopause, the increased chance of disability, the potential effect on your own body, for all the reasons already stated, it just wouldn't be worth the risk for me.

Oh dear.

This exactly. I am nearly 60, and whilst I feel OK, and like to go for long walks, and do lots of gardening, no WAY would I have wanted a preschooler in my early 50s. LOL fuck that! I am happy to look after grandkids now and again, (if my DD in their late 20s ever have kids) but like fuck would I EVER have wanted a preschooler/primary aged child in my 50s.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! 😱

.

Sure I read your child is a teen.

Do you really think what a teen needs getting near to GCSEs or levels depending on how teen is a baby screaming and crying or a toddler bombing around the place?

Sure some teens love and dote on their new tiny siblings. A bloody lot don’t though and can’t wait to get out of the house and miss being an only by that point. Don’t make out like it’s to be good for your existing child. The status Que that they enjoy and have is their best.

She’s 47 and not pregnant. Trying to conceive (especially needing external help), a 9 month pregnancy, she would absolutely be close to or even 50 when the baby was born.

And of course being younger doesn’t mean you’re a better parent. But it does mean you’re likely to be healthy until your child is old enough to be independent themselves. The older you get, the less chance of that being the case. A child born to a very young person would be a possible concern due to maturity, but there’s zero concern for a child being born to someone who is beyond middle age?

It's personal. Age is just one of the factors to take into account when thinking of having a child. Some go it alone, some have them very young, some wait for better health or finances. People have different thresholds. When people say it's not fair on the child because their parents were too young/old, the alternative for that child would be to not be born. Hope you find peace with whichever decision you make.

FWIW, I wistfully see lots of grandparents out able to run around after kids and do so much with them. You and I are obviously much younger than those grandparents. I now have long covid though - and that has limited my children's quality of life much more than age ever could.

Would you consider adopting?

OP isn't 50. She's in her 40s.

She's 47. By the time she conceived (via donation) and went through a nine month pregnancy, she would be nearly 50.

How would you feel if your second child was severely disabled and never became independent? Would you really want to be raising a teenager or young adult into your seventies?

Yeah this. ^

And this.

And I have seen this happen.

No. Too old. My parents were older (not as old as 47) when I was born and 2 of my siblings were teens.

I was always conscious of my (as I thought) old parents who were a good ten years older than my friends’ parents. They were fit and healthy to very old age, so it wasn't like I lost them when I was young or they were ever doddery. I just think 47 is waaaay too old and having a young child in your 50s would be hard! That’s the point when life should be getting easier.

@Noangelbuthavingfun Don't listen to these people who say it's not fair on the child - they're talking nonsense. I also find it incredible unfair how men can babies into their 50's and people barely bat an eyelid

I had VERY young people parents and one of them in particular didn't care at all and did one when I was 2... I would have much rather had two very loving parents who were very old - then two young parents who don't give a sh*t.

Ultimately, this is a choice is for you and your partner and no one else's business.

While I think it’s far more unfair to have a neglectful parent obviously, I do also feel it’s unfair to lose a parent when still quite young. I would worry this is more likely if I had a toddler when fifty. Yes, this is not guaranteed when you have a child in your late forties but it could happen. Both my best friend and husband lost a (older) parent in their twenties and I’ve seen first hand them navigating major life events and wishing their parent was with them to share their happiness in the good times and, more so, to advise them and just be there in the bad times. It was desperately sad when my husband wanted to tell his parent he was becoming a father himself. Of course we’re not guaranteed a long life even if we have children young but I’d worry about not being there less if younger I think.