Would you become pregnant at 47 if....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

*Also posted in pregnancy

You desperately know you've always wanted a 2nd child and it never went away ... tried but failed many times.... would you go for donor eggs and partner sperm and just do it ? Many celebrities do it late into 40s.... its now or never. I'm just thinking you regret the things you never did... aibu to just do it ? Has anyone you know or have you done this ??

I had my 2nd at 39…and recently past my 40th birthday had a realisation that when she’s my age I’ll be 80 and that hit me like a tonne of bricks. I adore my kids, wouldn’t change my mind about having them…but if before I got pregnant I had that thought I don’t think I’d do it. For me, it’s not about death, it’s about the likelihood that I won’t be fit and healthy to play active part in my kids’ lives (in whatever way works for them). 40, to me, feels like a really young age to possibly need to look after your parents, so hence I wouldn’t do it older than that.

Really, really depends on so many circumstances.
For one thing, do you live in area where mums and dads of that age is not unusual?
Is your relationship solid?
Are you financially in a good place?
Is longevity common in your family?
Is there a pattern with how women in your family tend to experience menopause? Do you have any health conditions?
These things and more need to be considered, because people will always answer this sort of question through their own filters, not yours.
Two of the mums in my eldest DC's primary class were at least mid forties when they had their DC's, but they are very fit and youthful and it's quite a wealthy area so they didn't stand out at all. In some areas they would have been very unusual.
Some people are glowing with health and vitality in their 50's/60s, some are feeling old by their 40's - as a poster said above, most of the people they know who are 70+ need care, I've no doubt about that, that will be true for many. In my life, I'd say that most of the over 70's I know don't, but a few of the 80+ aged people do or are starting to.

I wouldn't, no.

I'm 50, and just the thought of having a 3-year-old makes me want to take a nap!

Maybe if I was fit and healthy, but I'm knackered and falling to bits, and I know I do not have the energy or the patience any more. I'm knackered for a week if I have to get up early one morning to let the cat out. Nighttime feeds? bedtime tantrums? sitting on the floor playing stupid games? kids tv? stepping on lego? I'd rather beat myself to death with a big yellow teapot.

It's not just having a baby at 47. The risks are higher, of course, but it's looking beyond having a baby. That's the scary bit - it's having a 3-year-old at 50, a 13-year-old at 60, and probably being in a nursing home or dead just as they're starting out in life.

I suppose the silver lining is they get their inheritance at the time they're looking to buy their first home instead of in their 40s, like most people who are fortunate enough to get any inheritance.

I really don’t want to sound harsh but I think it’s unfair to both the first born and the second if you were to have another. You’ve mentioned you have a teenager, how would they feel about the age gap between them and their sibling? How would they feel having a sibling at this point in general? And how would a child feel having older parents in comparison to their friends? To be 18 and just finishing sixth form and going to uni when their mom is 65?

Again I don’t mean to seem harsh but if I was in your position, these would put me off

You’re thinking of yourself, not the child. I had my second at 40 and I think that’s as late as I would go. I was fine through my 40’s and early 50’s but now, at 56, I’m bloody knackered and can’t imagine running round after a 9 year old.

I wouldn't. And I speak as someone who wanted two but has one child.

My late 40s are a hormonal clusterfuck. It's bad enough having a primary age child to manage at this stage. I couldn't cope with a baby/toddler.

I get the longing for another. I absolutely do. But I think you need to move on. I got kittens to dote on instead.

I'm 44 and wouldn't have the energy for a baby, I'm worn out with teens and animals to look after. An infant full time would be my worst nightmare, not to mention if there's complications, the older you are the longer it takes to recover from anything.

Sorry but it feels extremely selfish. I know a girl in her 20’s who has parents in their 70’s and she pretty much is their carer. She feels she cannot move away or go travelling as their health continues to decline. Not what I would want for a child of mine.

I have two -second at almost 41. I honestly don’t know where I would have drawn the line. A close friend had her two at almost 41 and 44.

I think I probably would not have tried for much longer though. And I’m pretty sure DH would have said no by mid 40s. The age gap would have been huge for one thing (almost 8 years as it is).

No I wouldn't, I had DD at 37 and that was late enough for me. At 55 I'm glad she's independent and will be off to Uni next year, having a 7/8 YO now would fill me with horror.

The additional health risks. To you/your body, to the baby. Even with the donor egg the pregnancy itself has greater risk the older you get to the baby amd yourself. The birth can be more dangerous for you and the baby, intervention more likely. These issues can even lead to disability.
Potential disability. From a difficult birth. From bad luck. Genetic problems. Paternal age at conception has increased risks too, regardless of the age of the donor of the egg and the birth mother. Coping with disability is tough at any age, but will only get harder when you add in everything else relating to this.

And I completely agree with this^ , it's why my cut off age was 40. When I was pregnant the risks were all about Downs, CF etc. no mention of ASD or ADHD. We're now learning so much more about possible risks for the latter two, including both parents ages, premature birth (more common in older mothers), gestational diabetes (more common in older mothers), pre eclampsia (more common in older mothers) etc. Some people are fine with taking the risk but I really wasn't, every child is a roll of the dice regarding disabilities but I was only willing to roll it once.

Celebrities have help.

Good luck battling a child under 3 and menopause tiredness.

It's time for the weekly 'shall I have a baby past 45' thread is it...?

100 million % NO. Celebs who do it use donor eggs, and they have tons of money - and LOADS of help. Do you want to have a child who has pretty much only left primary school when you're 60 @Noangelbuthavingfun ?? And have that same child still at Uni when you're nearly 70?

I have said it before but will say it again, because it can't be said enough. It's a bad idea (IMO) to have a baby at any age past early 40s. (40-41 would be the latest I would be 'trying,') and at 42 I would stop trying.

Is that a typo? My husband is 70 next year and regularly running 10k+, doing all the DIY, long walks etc etc. Nobody I know who's 70 needs care. Nobody in earlier generations of my family needed care at 70 either. Even my Mum, who's nearly 92 now, is living independently with no cleaner, let alone carers.

Having said that, I personally think 47 is too old to have a child. I'm 63 and if I'd had a child at 47 we'd still be supporting him/her through school, unable to go away for longer than a weekend outside school holidays, gearing up for university costs, etc etc. It would have made life very difficult recently as I would have been unable to see as much of my parents as they have got older and their health has declined. I'm very glad I was in fact able to travel to see them fairly often, as my Dad died last year and my Mum is now on her own. I can go to stay with her now as and when needed without worrying about things at home. I was also able to give up work at 60 because our children were grown up and no longer financially dependent on us.

And finally - several people have said, what about fostering or adoption? My understanding is that the care system in the UK is supposed to put the child's needs first, not the wants of the potential foster/adoptive parents. The potential parents are screened extensively because these children are extremely vulnerable and needy, and bringing them up is going to be very challenging. Not everybody is going to be approved, nor should they be.

No

Once I hit peri menopause (49) I changed. Needed more sleep, not as patient and just that nurturing side of me has dwindled as hormones changed. This is fine for parenting a teenager but not a baby/toddler

Your poor son. Must be lovely having a mother who feels empty and incomplete with just him.

Are you pregnant OP? I felt the same after DS was about 2 once I got over PND but now I am 51 with my DS at Uni and Divorced I thank god I didn't give in to the aching desire to have another child. I saw all my friends children with siblings I know my DS would have loved a brother or sister but I couldn't have risked getting PND again.

I was desperate for another child, my son was desperate for a younger sibling but DH wasn't on board. I waited and waited thinking he'd come round but he never did and finally age 45 (DS13) realised I had to lay it to rest and accept it wasn't meant to be if my marriage was to survive & me not lose my sanity.

3 years later perimenopause hit me with a fucking sledgehammer (having barely had a sniff of PMT my entire life) and there is NO WAY I would cope with a toddler. I do still wish we had, and feel sad when I see the love teenagers have for much younger siblings but no way would I want it in my mid/late 40's.

You need to think beyond your own selfish wants. Not once have you said you want a child because here is what you could give it over the next two decades when you will be in your late 60s and a pensioner. Don't use a child to fill the gaps in your life.

OP will absolutely not be approved to adopt by the way. Adoption is never approved if it's clearly a way to fill a vacancy caused by infertility or age preventing conception. Adoption isn't for the parents it's for the child.

No, I wouldn't have gone on a thread giving advice if I hadn't had that experience as my advice would bot be coming from a place of knowledge. Just like I wouldnt give advice on any other subject I know nothing about. I am however an expert on becoming a mother in my late forties albeit its different for everyone.

Yes I would have if I could but was already in menopause. I think physically and mentally were all in different places at 47 and of you are good in both I see no reason not to.

Nope. It's very unfair on the child.

It would be a no from me. It happened in our family at age 48. Horrendous all round

Everyone I know who has adopted has done so because they couldn’t conceive

OP you refer to your "last" miscarriage. It is so common to want a baby after miscarrying, and obviously this never happened for you - you had a loss that you felt you couldn't "replace" ( sorry wrong term but in a sense of being able to move on. )

Imagine you had miscarried before your only child was born, then when you went on to have a healthy baby, that would have eased your grief at the time.

Is your present urge to have a baby an attempt to address grief from your miscarriage?