To feel frustrated by the tone of responses on Mumsnet?

[TipsyDuck]

I’ve noticed that posts on this platform often receive harsh or dismissive responses, especially when someone raises a genuine concern or asks a straightforward question. It seems like there’s a tendency for some users to be overly critical, which can be quite discouraging.

I’ve experienced this myself with a post from a while ago, where I received a lot of negative feedback early on. This made me question whether engaging on this platform is worth it. Even though balanced comments might come in later, the initial harshness can have a lasting impact.

AIBU to think that this response culture might deter people from participating openly? Has anyone else observed this trend or felt similarly?

especially when someone raises a genuine concern or asks a straightforward question.

This happens to me. I have ASD and often think about or am concerned/worried about things other people don’t seem to be…and I often get snarky comments like ‘What’s it to you?’ or ‘Why do you care so much?’ or accusing me of ‘faux-concern’. It does bother me tbh and I have stopped asking about some things because this type of response is seemingly inevitable, and it makes me a bit upset to be accused of being disingenuous. I don’t have a thick skin like some other people seem to so I tend to be more careful now.

Has anyone else observed this trend or felt similarly?

Yes because on average, someone starts this very thread approximately once a week.

It's mostly AIBU and Feminism that I see the snarkiest posts on, and sometimes Relationships.

Yes, I notice this a lot too. And it often seems to be the earliest posters on a thread who use the opportunity to seek to humiliate the OP by sinking in some stiletto comment.

If a more constructive tone then develops, it can gather its own momentum and the gratuitously hostile ones become fewer. But on some threads, the initial harshness succeeds and the thread is derailed.

I think that if I am being completely honest with myself I can see the appeal of posting in that cruel and supercilious way, and I'm sure I have done it myself (not gratuitously (I hope) but in response to posters who have themselves been aggressive or unkind). There is a little bit of a dopamine hit, a release of IRL frustrations.

Perhaps if we all try to be honest with ourselves about any tendency to harshness we can start to turn the tide a bit.

it is very discouraging to see women (predominantly) continuously position themselves in vulnerable positions and ask the most basic of questions (he's only abused me once this week should i leave...the kids love him).
people go to this forum for basic emergency care (my brother-in-law a fireman told me my arm is broken, it is deformed but i'm pain free with it on a pillow, my fingers are only pale blue).
some harsh responses are fully warranted.

I agree. I would say though that the helpful, kind, empathic, wise and thoughtful responses do outweigh the ones that are snarky.

Make sure you put your thread in the right part of MN and you will get better responses.

So don't put it in AIBU or Chat if it is about a specific topic like Parenting, Relationships, Dogs, etc

It's true, sometimes tone can be unpleasant.

But I'd also argue that sometimes online forums are an opportunity for people to be completely honest in a way that they wouldn't in real life. And yes, that can translate into somewhat harsh responses. But honestly, that can be helpful. I've had a few harsh responses over the years and actually, it's sometimes been useful to make me realise that in real life people might not be honest and I'm not getting their real thoughts, and in other cases, it's forced me to really think through my position and I've come out with an even firmer grasp of what I think or want.

You don’t need to be harsh to give clear advice though, and just because you have seen the same pattern umpteen times doesn’t mean the poster has. There is no need to be mean in my opinion.

Also, to add, I know this isn't always very nice or very kind, but it's not unusual for a poster to be recognised by other posters. She'll have come on with the same issue and repeatedly ignored every comment, then makes a new post in hopes of different responses. It's not kind, but I sympathise when people get frustrated by that.

There's also times when I think someone is probably vulnerable so should be treated more patiently BUT they come across as just frankly ridiculous.

No harsh response is ever warranted. You can be clear and direct without being harsh.

Actually it is kind as it the poster is being made aware that others know who she is and that if she doesn't do something to try to change things herself, then people can't help her.

Go and have a look at ‘I hate people from Sussex’ thread. Some of the answers have made me roar with laughter, which is unusual for Mumsnet.

But yes, AIBU is a bit of a bear pit.

One woman's direct is another woman's harsh though. I've seen the sort of posts @GildedRage is talking about and often OP gets upset about the harshness when really, I'd just call it direct. "OP - you are putting yourself at risk, go to A&E right now" is not harsh. But some posters will be horrified by the direct talk.

No, that's certainly not harsh. I don't know why anyone could take exception to that.

Yes - sometimes I think these posters have little agency/power in real life, so they come on here to unleash on who they can.

I participate alot. I don't think I'd ever post my own on here now. Even though there are so many thjbgs I'm struggling with immensely. I'd value solidarity and support but the way some posters come on with unnecessarily cruel insults to the OP is difficult at times.

I have found alot of posters are really kind and decent but they tend to join later on I find.

I've seen it.

I'm also sometimes surprised when OP's come on and accuse posters of attacking them and "vitriol" and I read back thinking I've missed something and really, it's just posters disagreeing with the OP. There was one the other day where I genuinely started to think i was going mad as I couldn't see any of this so-called vitriol and yet OP was absolutely frothing. It was particularly odd as she'd posted saying she was concerned about x and y and everyone was agreeing with her that x and y WAS concerning.

I think it’s been more and more like this over the past 10 years. I notice I’m more tempted to reply in snarky ways, or feel like a thread is disingenuous / trolly when I am feeling very stressed and anxious myself.

I think a lot of people are very stressed out these days, with the cost of living and world events, and the general political polarisation going on everywhere.

I also do think there have been lots more threads in the past 5 years or so from people who sound as though they are living unsupported with serious mental health issues, and I can find MN to be a very overwhelming place sometimes - like being pummelled over the head by 1000 other people’s unchecked OCD / paranoia / desperate depression and self-hatred. I don’t tend to reply to those posts if I don’t feel in a balanced enough state of mind to be helpful and empathetic - but the overspill of a feeling of disturbance and intense dislocation from reality can then follow me on to the next thread about something innocuous like parking or baking or whatnot, where I may end up being less patient than I’d like.

I’m trying to wean myself off Mumsnet because it feels harder and harder not to be plunged into others’ severely anxious and/or self destructive states of mind, and it’s not doing me or anyone else any good.

I think the harsh words that have always been said on AIBU have bled into other topics since the Trending Topics at the bottom of the page launched

Previously when you had to make your way to a specific topic, you would know you are in say the Step Parenting thread and so knew the typical tone of the conversations there

Now you see a topic in Trending , click into it with your AIBU attitude set to on and start typing away not realising that it’s not that type of thread

But I agree regardless of where the OP has posted, it can get frustrating when the OP continually posts different versions of the same situation or ignores comments apart from the ones that make them look ok. That’s when you can see posters being harsh. I can think of at least two posters from the last couple of days that fall into that category. Complete waste of people putting good thought into responses only for it to get thrown back at them by the OP

There are definitely posters who know just how far they can push it without getting deleted.

I agree, OP. The responses on here are sometimes inexcusably aggressive and nasty.

Yes, this point it regularly brought up because it's a persistent issue. Some posters try to pretend they can't discriminate between direct and downright rude which I find disingenuous.

Direct: This person is taking advantage of you. Please don't let them push you around.
Rude: You sound like a wet lettuce. Woman up and grow a pair.

I see this all the time!

My personal pet-hates on AIBU are:

1)ignoring the OP's question and focusing on some side-issue (they may have sounded slightly snobbish or judgemental, for eg). Answer the question and leave the personal judgements out! This tendency leads to OPs feeling they have to preamble and over-explain in order to make sure nit-pickers can't attack them - resulting in very long posts.

2)Personal, spiteful, unhelpful, irrelevant and usually totally pointless judgements such as: 'You sound nice.' 'You sound snobbish' or 'You sound jealous'. Focus on the question!

There does seem to be a particular type of poster who is determined to find fault with the OP at all costs.
I have seen ludicrous distortions to justify criticism of the OP.
Why? Does on-line nastinessake some people feel better about themselves?

I was taken aback by some of the nasty responses on Feminism. I have had to mute those threads now even though I count myself as a Feminist.