To feel frustrated by the tone of responses on Mumsnet?

[TipsyDuck]

I’ve noticed that posts on this platform often receive harsh or dismissive responses, especially when someone raises a genuine concern or asks a straightforward question. It seems like there’s a tendency for some users to be overly critical, which can be quite discouraging.

I’ve experienced this myself with a post from a while ago, where I received a lot of negative feedback early on. This made me question whether engaging on this platform is worth it. Even though balanced comments might come in later, the initial harshness can have a lasting impact.

AIBU to think that this response culture might deter people from participating openly? Has anyone else observed this trend or felt similarly?

I have to laugh because no way am I letting some stuck up armchair warrior make me cry🤣 I think when you get lots of shitty posts directed to you then just take them with a pinch of salt. The poster clearly has too much time on their hands to be constantly pearl clutching and berating people 😆

I see these kinds of posts fairly regularly on here and I'm always 50/50 about it.

We all know that ANYWHERE online is prone to get snarky comments - it's the world that we live in. Being able to post anonymously with no fear of discovery also emboldens people. The modern world we live in allows people to be arses if they want to.

So, there's that.

Also, there are subjects that people feel really passionately about, rightly or wrongly. For example, someone daring to post on here about any dilemma to do with private schools may well get their arse handed to them because the majority of MN seem to hate private education. It's a very topical thing - what people are uptight about now may not be even an issue in a year's time. (**I don't privately educate my DC - that's just a random example).

Then there are those posters who actually need a bit of straight-talking, sometimes because what they're saying is pretty bloody awful. Not every post warrants gentle hand-holding and empathy. Of course it's always worth considering what might be going on behind the scenes, but some topics in particular attract some really shocking posts where it's hard to imagine any kind of mitigating circumstances.

But amongst all of that I see lots of kind, supportive, wise responses. And I think that these vastly outweigh any snark. By a very long way.

What you see might depend on where you hang out. Trending topics can be a bit of a bunfight as everyone who's just dropping in can see them instantly. But many of the boards are really helpful and supportive.

I do think there's a bit of misogyny in expecting MN to be vastly different from any other social platform. Are the mean ladies not being NICE? But womenfolk are supposed to be kind..... Women aren't immune from being keyboard warriors. I do think there's a bit of a sisterhood, and I've felt lifted up by it on many an occasion. But expecting ALL women to be nice and kind and gentle with their words at all times is pretty unreasonable.

I didn't see your post but quite honestly if you can get close enough to spiders to hoover them up I would like to hire your services. Please.

Bastard creepy things.

Also, I didn't change my username for this post - just saying 😅

out of interest why is namechanging so easily a 'thing' on MN, do you/anyone know? Has enforcing 1 UN per email address ever been considered? It's the norm in other forums like reddit, and when leaving comments on newspaper articles etc.

MN is the only place I feel safe posting on, and the reason for this is because I can change my username frequently. I was/am the victim of severe stalking by an unhinged ex-partner who made my life hell. I had to involve the police, change my real life name (yes it was this bad), and basically go into hiding. This policy gives me a safe refuge. I hope to god MN never changes this policy.

🤣🤣 I know, we've spoken on threads before and I'm sure I told you that I loved your username 😂 getting them with a hoover is a very new thing for me. Its the thought of it getting anywhere near my 2 year old that gives me the bottle 😬

I imagine threads in two ways, first it’s a bit like putting out a single, sometimes they are going to be obvious hits, like ‘somebody has parked on my fucking drive’ by the Beverly Sisters or Diana Ross’s ‘some bitch pushed in front of me at wilkos’ and others just bob nicely along or flop!

The other way I imagine them is I’m in a little boat, drifting along and praying that a shark doesn’t spot me, the sharks being the goady posters out for trouble, because before long there are lots of sharks circling your boat and bearing their teeth and it keeps all the nice little fishies from coming near!

One thread of mine went well, just a subdued one about my medical condition, one got no response, which was my fault, it’s a bit too nerdy, one I actually asked to have deleted three or four posts in after the first poster decided I was using the phrase in my question wrongly, which I knew and pointed out already, but after they said that, others just followed their post, and another one, where I posed a question about hypocrisy, FUCK ME, people either cherry picked things that weren’t really relevant to have a go at me over or worse just started to make shit up, then have a go at me about that, very few actually read my posts or original question. The ones that did, I thanked, but then others accused me of only liking responses that agreed with me. I spent most of the thread responding to nonsense!

One thing that many suffer from on here is confirmation bias, they go looking for comments about one particular thing, derail the thread while screaming ‘WHY IS NOBODY LISTENING TO ME’, they hate others having alternative or balanced views to theirs, I’ve started to pay attention to the names of them now.

Your analogy is excellent.

I think there are valid reasons for the easy name changing facility on Mumsnet - eg. the tendency for threads to be picked up and published on mainstream media (the Daily Mail and the Jeremy Vine Show on R2 being prime suspects). So I've name changed to post deeply personal stuff about my family because of fearing it could all become public and go viral.

But flip side of that coin is that anyone can name change to be very cunty indeed and there's no accountability.

This is one of the massive downsides of the internet, sadly.

can name change to be very cunty indeed

verycuntyindeed is going to be my next username

I think all forums are going to be like this to one degree or another. I think it’s the setup and moderation rules that really determine how good or bad it is.

AIBU is a bit of a free for all as far as topics and participants so you’re going to see some very stark differences. If you look at a site like Ravelry there’s a lot more separation in groups which tends to attract samey, so it may seem more kind or supportive if you are posting in a group that values and moderates for that. On the flip side there are groups that attract and welcome brash/tell it like it is. Those groups may have similar topics being discussed but in wildly different styles.

Honestly there are pluses and minuses to both styles. Echo chambers will get boring to most after a while on the flip side forums where it’s the toss of a coin as to responses can run people off.

I'm frustrated by the amount of these frickin threads being started moaning about MN! There's almost one every bloody day now! If people don't like the site there are plenty of others out there.

I’ve been on Mumsnet for 25 years and it’s has always been like this. Lots of good stuff too though - some fantastic advice and support.

YADNBU,

I remember one post where a genuine question was asked ( sorry I do no have a link to it) where one vulture whose replies were just riddled with intolerance and ridicule. Fortunately, there were supportive replies who defended the person who posted and the culprit just made light of it.

What bothers me is some people on here are vulnerable and genuinely want help, their MH could be on the edge and all it takes is replies like the one I mentioned to drive someone into doing some serious harm to themselves.

A lot of people on here are amazing, kind and supportive and just genuinely want to help. They make this message board the best it can be.

lol… I have a rule now where I respond to every 10th one. I may have to update it 20 though.

Yea AIBU and the Feminism board can have some very vicious responses

I don’t understand those posters who seem to like to put the boot in when a poster says openly they’re having a bit of a crap time. Why kick someone when they’re down?

@easylikeasundaymorn If I couldn't change name I would probably stop coming on MN. I ooften post things about my life that are potentially identifying. As a standalone, I imagine anyone reading it might think, "Oh, that sounds like [real name]". If I had the same username for the last 15 years I've been on MN, they could then basically find out an awful lot about me, about my thoughts and feelings etc and it would be a massive invasion of privacy. The thing about MN is that it's set up in such a way that women can tell the real truth about what is going on, and do so in a way that feels safe.

Re name change I remember the poster with a disabled child who was identified, press got involved and it became a big story, the poster's identity became known.

Then the site used to get hacked quite a bit.

There is another big upside to the NCing

Back in the part, people did not NC anywhere as often and there used to be certain well known posters who garnered weird sort of cult status on here and who were notorious for 'telling it like it is' aka 'bullying' by any other name, but a clique developed that always upheld the poster's views, a bit like mean girls adult style, so once these particular posters expressed a vitriolic view, everyone else would jump on and run with that same view whilst congratulating said 'head girl' posters. AIBU and the Relationships board were the favoured 'hallways' of said posters.

This doesn't happen so much anymore where people amass followings and it's a good thing in my opinion, that said the tone is still worse overall imo. It's just more diffused.

Mumsnet is generally horrible , yes.

Different people have different experiences. Different people want different things from a forum.
We are all different.
Still no need to be mean.

It's so easy to be a dick (within talk guidelines) in one user name and as nice as pie in another.

This is the true human nature though. IRL, everyone is forced to be as nice as pie but be a dick on the inside, which is why most people bitch about others behind their backs because they can't do it to their face. On MN, you can say it 'to their face' (anonymously). Two sides of the same coin.

(It doesn't mean I'm in support of posters being rude and unnecessary harsh though).

To any posters moaning about similar threads cropping up and that there are other websites you can use, if you don’t like this one, well take your own advice, off you fuck then!

Its possible you were just demonstrating what the thread is about, I actually understand in a sense, I can’t help but get sucked into dog hating threads because I love dogs, but in I go defending them and getting wound up. The point is just because you have seen similar threads doesn’t mean others have, so let us comment, the thread will soon die down and we can all meet up on the next one and complain about that.

I don't think there's ever any excuse for harshness when a poster asks about a genuine problem or dilemma (obviously we can't know for certain that it's genuine, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.) But people often start very controversial and disingenuous posts about autism/ADHD (EVERYONE has it don't ya know), benefits (should I report this person who I have decided is playing the system even though I know eff all about their life?) or similar, and honestly, very often they deserve it with both barrels.

Tbf on the relationship thread it's usually things like:

"My partner definitely hates me and only messages me to go over to his house and give him sex. How to I progess this relationship so that he loves me instead of using me as a free prostitute?"

AIBU can get pretty nasty quickly

The term "tone police", used in self-defence by people who think they're just "telling it like it is", really winds me up.

"It's my RIGHT to talk like a complete fucking arsehole, dammit, and it's your responsibility to sit there and take it!"

Oh god yes! People are notorious for this! I saw the latest Benefits one and was about to go in, all ready to battle, then paused and closed MN instead. I don't actually enjoy feeling emotionally 'got at'. It feels like I'm being manipulated to get strung out and I wonder reflectively what impact this might be having besides just here on MN.