To feel frustrated by the tone of responses on Mumsnet?

[TipsyDuck]

I’ve noticed that posts on this platform often receive harsh or dismissive responses, especially when someone raises a genuine concern or asks a straightforward question. It seems like there’s a tendency for some users to be overly critical, which can be quite discouraging.

I’ve experienced this myself with a post from a while ago, where I received a lot of negative feedback early on. This made me question whether engaging on this platform is worth it. Even though balanced comments might come in later, the initial harshness can have a lasting impact.

AIBU to think that this response culture might deter people from participating openly? Has anyone else observed this trend or felt similarly?

Unless I have misremembered,there used to be a different kind of preciousness about spiders on M, back in the day, when it was a smaller place with many recognised names who all had some knowledge of one another.

There was a poster who was very phobic about spiders. So as a courtesy (perhaps excessive!) to her, and to other spider-phobics, people avoided posting the word "spider", especially in thread titles. A bit daft, I suppose, but interesting because it was such a random opposite of the random intolerance of spider-phobics that some of you are seeing on MN now.

Both extremes are the same, really. Online communities policing talk and being ready to leap on "offenders" who don't toe whatever line has arbitrarily been drawn.

@CoffeeCantata this is an issue for me here too, I tend to read threads about ND as my son has same diagnosis as your daughter which I would describe the same way as you have. The threads get so nasty about definition of words that they become unhelpful and I've now started to avoid, which is a shame.

Only thing I remember from back in the day was spiders rubbing their willies on your washing 😂

Thanks, kind posters (theresabluebird, xaxxon, thisiswheretheseagullflies). The incident really had an effect on me. And all because i wasn't up to speed with the very latest in terminology about ND. I was told to 'go away and educate myself', among other, nastier things. It made me very inhibited about speaking about my daughter's situation to other people, for a start. I'm fortunate to be in a generally good place in life, but if I'd been an anxious, depressed or struggling person the attack would have been devastating.

I get the impression that some posters on here work in the area of health, psychology and counselling. Great! But please don't expect every 'lay' person to have your inside knowledge. Obviously things change all the time and new protocols come in, but unless someone is being obnoxious (for eg, saying that ND doesn't exist and people are just thick), there's no excuse for rudeness.

Cliche alert - it's really not rocket-science - don't be mean or aggressive. If you don't think you can constructively help and support the OP, move along the bus!

Oh - and alalalalong!

I agree, lots people on here are unnecessarily mean. There are ways of saying things without being horrible.

I get quite wound up when I see vile replies.

So much so that I end up going in on the nasty poster myself. Then I kick myself for letting some random get me worked up about something that wasn’t even my issue! 🤦🏽‍♀️😂

I find it particularly frustrating, when posters seem to completely disregard the OP and make up a complete load of shit just to fit their own skewed viewpoint and then go in on the OP for the utter bollocks they’ve just made up.

I rarely post my own personal issues on MN. Mainly because I always get worried that if I’m posting about a person I have a close relationship with, they’ll either see it because they’re on MN or the Daily Fail will pick it up and the person will see it that way. Especially in AIBU!

@browneyes77 very good point, I’ve had exactly that experience, several posters not reading my posts, then coming up with completely bizarre responses and asking what I intended to do about it, leaving me shouting out loud to myself ‘what the hell is going on!!!!’

It’s infuriating. I see it all the time in AIBU.

OP posts something.
Nasty Poster replies with a completely different version of events that they’ve made up.
Nasty Poster has a go at the OP for the random version of events they’ve completely made up.

It’s utterly bizarre!

I can kill them without a hoover. Hoovering them doesn't always kill them.

However it is better to catch them and chuck them outside.

Also as I hate certain flying insects far more, so spiders doing their job in certain places doesn't bother me however big they are.

I should add I've removed spiders for both men and women since I was a teen. So a man freaking and killing as spider is just as normal as a woman doing it.

@CoffeeCantata I think neurodivergence is really tough thing to discuss online and it inevitably ends up in a bit of a fight.

I wonder whether the people responding to you were ND themselves. It doesn’t excuse rudeness nor the example you gave of what was said. But I think there’s a growing exasperation within the ND community of being talked over by NT individuals and not having a true voice. And I think that means that it doesn’t take much to tip someone over into rudeness when there’s a poster who seems to be minimising their struggles. (Not that you were intentionally but there’s such sensitivity over language right now).

There's also quite a lot of frustration towards NT parents who talk over the ND community (and typically aren’t acting in the child’s best interests). Again, not suggesting that this was you but some folk are just at boiling point due to conduct of others online.

I think it’s particularly hard to talk about those individuals who would previously have been diagnosed with Asperger’s. That’s because functioning labels (ie/low functioning, high functioning) are no longer used as they’re misleading. But we haven’t been given words to describe different levels of need so it just means that there’s no easy way to discuss things. I’m sure countless people have explained why they get the arse when someone describes any type of autism as “mild”. The problem is there’s no acceptable language left to use - which is really unhelpful! I tend to use low or high care needs as a descriptor but I’ve got no idea how that would be perceived 🤷‍♀️

I’m really sorry you were given such a rough time. The whole subject is so contentious right now and there’s so much frustration within the ND community, it really doesn’t take much for things to escalate. You sound as if you have a lovely relationship with your DD 😊

(I’m ND and so are my DC)

SpidersAreShitheads · Yesterday 19:29

Thanks for your helpful comments, Spiders. Yes, I admit that point did cross my mind as a result of my experience - that the person in question may have also been ND, and that affected their reaction.

I've brought this up because I wanted to highlight how badly 2 or 3 nasty responses affected me - and if you met me you'd think I was a pretty care-free, confident person. So how some very personal comments might affect a less secure or confident person is a serious issue, I think. They might tip someone who needs help right over the edge.

Having clearly offended the poster due to my out-of-date terminology, I then made the mistake of trying to apologise/explain/appease them. That only whipped them up into more of a rage, so I withdrew - but I felt angry and very hurt that I'd been so personally attacked. I don't post nastily, ever - and it just shows that you don't have to BE mean to get a mean response.

I'll drop the subject now, but I hope this and other posts on this thread might have made the case for thinking before posting!! I remember someone saying that in the past you had to get a pen and paper, write your nasty letter, get an envelope and a stamp, walk to the PO or a postbox to post it....in other words, there were many points where you would have a chance for reflection and second thoughts before spoiling someone's day. Now, you just type or text and press send...it's too easy!

YANBU.

I am noticing it.

A thread recently was about someone having a tough time in hospital. One of the first responses was 'what do you expect, a hospital is not a hotel'. And people were agreeing with it! Where's the empathy? This was a real person suffering and reaching out.

It's hard to comment without specific examples.

I have learned the hard way to never ask about any words, why they are not ok.
People literally leap forward to say "You're only asking about the meaning of the word ooosusu because you KNOW exactly what it means and that it's a terrible thing to say and you want to encourage people to spread hate."

I've even had that response from MNHQ. Delete my post & "Please refer to our policy about X"

I have to spend days or weeks or 2 after that before figuring out that people associate oooosusu with something I never thought of and certainly wasn't in my head. The prejudice is entirely in THEIR heads but I get called the one full of nasty opinions.

The amount of "I can read other people's mind" behaviour on here is sometimes unreal.

Personally I would like MN a whole lot better if there was a SoH again & the male-bashing stopped.

Yeah I read that one as well and was also shocked by some of the responses, definitely remember that first comment about it not being a hotel. Only any of us who have had several prolonged hospital stays could understand how awful sleep deprivation can be, also hospitals and the nurses on shift vary wildly, so no two experiences are the same, I’ve had a hospital stay that felt like healthcare in a private American medical centre, but also another where I was judged, my pain not managed and no sleep. But of course these things don’t matter to a ‘I tell it like it is’ type of bellend poster!