To feel frustrated by the tone of responses on Mumsnet?

[TipsyDuck]

I’ve noticed that posts on this platform often receive harsh or dismissive responses, especially when someone raises a genuine concern or asks a straightforward question. It seems like there’s a tendency for some users to be overly critical, which can be quite discouraging.

I’ve experienced this myself with a post from a while ago, where I received a lot of negative feedback early on. This made me question whether engaging on this platform is worth it. Even though balanced comments might come in later, the initial harshness can have a lasting impact.

AIBU to think that this response culture might deter people from participating openly? Has anyone else observed this trend or felt similarly?

You will notice the nasty replies come at the beginning , probably people sitting at home, lonely, bored and in foul humour, so they pounce on every thread immediately with their bile. Unfortunately this encourages others to reply in a similar way overpowering the nice helpful replies. The best thing to do is ignore the nasty replies completely and only reply and take on board the helpful ones.

Oh there was a thread on here once about a woman asking if she should continue to see a man bc he killed a spider. Loads of comments flooded in saying ‘omg HORRIBLE! Dump him!’ And I’m sitting there laughing to my psycho self bc fuck that, all spiders go up the hoover. A man who killed a spider for me would be my hero 😂

Brilliant 🤣 my DH is my hero because he can kill them without the hoover😂😆😂😆

You evil bitch!!!

I think people get so caught up in being “right” that they overlook the OP’s feelings. The person posting is often in distress and can’t see the wood for the trees so really just needs kindness and patience, but those replying get frustrated by the poster’s perceived incompetence and make snide remarks.

I’ve been guilty of this myself as well! One poster couldn’t accept not being invited to her son’s Halloween party for twenty-somethings and I felt so frustrated with her. I couldn’t believe how angry I was getting about a silly internet thread!

The response I really dislike is when posters say “I couldn’t get worked up about it”. Just because you care about something or feel a certain way about something doesn’t mean you’re getting worked up about it, it’s really belittling and dismissive about what’s important to others just because it’s not important to you. Sorry if this is badly worded, I have ASD and just hate when people minimise others concerns or discomforts because it doesn’t bother them.

You need to treat the responses like a buffet OP. Bypass the soggy egg and cress at the start, grab a few pakoras and a handful of pringles then focus on the sweets, making sure that it's only the cup cake you take home with you.

See I don't mind that response because they're just pointing out how different we all are.

A snarky response (to me anyway) would be them telling the OP that they're wrong to get worked up about something just because they wouldn't personally.

Which I suppose goes to show how we all read things differently.

One persons 'snark' is another persons 'fine'.

Fair enough. It is subjective and sometimes words on a screen translate differently to when spoken out loud, i think it just reads to me when someone says they couldn’t get worked up about its like someone saying “calm down, dear” but I appreciate from your response it may not always be meant that way!

Ive been on this site for about 12 years and I think one of the worst updates was “trending posts”.

before the snark was pretty much limited to AIBU and maybe the more bonkers threads in other topics, but I’ve seen awful responses in MH boards, eating disorders etc

I think there's a fine line between direct and harsh tbh and the line varies from person to person. I've seen harsh responses but I've also seen direct/honest posters called out by the OP for not agreeing. Personally I'm a fan of tough love, especially if posting on aibu as you are literally asking people if they think you're unreasonable...and sometimes people will think you are.

My advice is scroll past the few bad eggs, and ficus on the responses that feel useful to you. Equally, you have to question if it's the right forum if you're feeling especially fragile, there might be better places to go for support if you're at the end of the line

I agree!

I cannot believe that people really don't understand the difference between being direct and being aggressive and rude. They pretend not to because it suits them...
I once got slaughtered on a thread where I innocently said my daughter (now mid-30s) had been diagnosed with 'mild Asperger's'. Well, the absolutely horrible names I was called, and the nasty things said about me by one poster in particular, were really out of order. Apparently my terminology was totally out of date and no-one has that diagnosis any more. Well, it was a long time ago, wasn't it?? This person angrily told me I was a terrible mother and she felt sorry for my daughter, having such a vile parent (almost the actual words).
Actually, my daughter and I have always had a brilliant relationship, then and now, and she is incredibly affectionate and often expresses gratitude to both her parents for being so nice. I don't say this to be twee, or to boast, but I often remind myself of it because what that stupid person said really affected me.

I wish I could have met them IRL - I'd have wiped the floor with them.

Equally, you have to question if it's the right forum if you're feeling especially fragile, there might be better places to go for support if you're at the end of the line

Definitely good advice!

I just wish that the nasty pps would grasp that some people who ask for advice here are in a very fragile place. But a bully is a bully, and they smell blood.

I’ve noticed you often get this, one particularly angry poster who totally comes for you and replies and argues with literally everything you say over some petty shit that.

Anyone who says things like “I feel sorry for your kids having you as a mother” is absolutely scum IMO.

The nitpicking sometimes feels very unhelpful and tedious.

@CoffeeCantata I once got slaughtered on a thread where I innocently said my daughter (now mid-30s) had been diagnosed with 'mild Asperger's'. Well, the absolutely horrible names I was called, and the nasty things said about me by one poster in particular, were really out of order. Apparently my terminology was totally out of date and no-one has that diagnosis any more. Well, it was a long time ago, wasn't it?? This person angrily told me I was a terrible mother and she felt sorry for my daughter, having such a vile parent (almost the actual words).

Ugh that's really horrible. You have to wonder if some people even think before they post. It's like they get overwhelmed by some flood of long-buried emotion, and it all just pours out through the keyboard, obliterating any consciousness of rationality or manners or kindness or anything else really.

Sometimes I wish we could take a leaf out of Reddit's book, and start telling people to "Get therapy!" all the time. 😁

I left MN a year or so ago because of the horrible posts and have recently come back. I dared suggest to use Indorex before I left to stop spiders coming in and OMG I was called various names 😂 I hate the things and they will be exterminated on sight if I ever see one. I have absolutely no fucks to give what others think of my extermination of spiders tbh. I’m so terrified of them I couldn’t even cope with knowing one was in my hoover.

🤣 it was just the complete ridiculousness of it. Like I'm obviously going to turn into a serial killer because I kill spiders 🤣🤣🤣 if I was torturing puppies and kittens then ok, but hoovering up a spider FFS🙄

Some people get carried away. The utter madness of some posts never fails to amuse me. I often wonder how some posters manage to navigate day to day life. 😂

@Devilsmommy oh yes I saw that too, that was you.! I actually had to laugh, that poster was crazy.

I don't know why MN is so precious about spiders. The horror over killing one arachnid (but flies, cockroaches etc are fine to murder) it is as if you said you slaughter Panda Bears for a living.

Yep calling me a psychopath and a cretin yet it wasn't me sounding crazy in my posts was it😆

a lot of people are just chronically online and spend the day belting out snippy responses on MN for sport.

The same day I was accused of being a murderer (yes I was called a murderer for spraying my house with Indorex to stop them coming in) there was a post on the doghouse about vibration collars. A few of the posters that were laying into me about killing spiders were agreeing with the use of vibration collars. I still can’t get my head around that.

ps I’m against any aversive training methods with dogs.

I think aibu can be harsh but it really depend on how much you care about what random people on the Internet say. People's comments would never discourage me from posting but that's because nobody on here could ever bother me. I suppose it depends how sensitive you are.