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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend constantly asking for childcare

116 replies

Megssy · 19/09/2024 00:07

Just need a bit of a rant.

I have a very close friend and I love her dearly, but... she constantly asks for childcare favours. On the occasion I don't mind, but this is super frequent. Because basically she doesn't want to pay childcare . She doesn't just ask me... she asks the whole friendship group.

She's just asked me now if I would walk her son to school one day every week. She knows when I leave for school in the morning and I am currently on maternity leave so have no other commitments.

Aibu to say no? I have just said my 3 year old is being awkward so don't want to commit

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 19/09/2024 00:11

Is she a single mum with no family support and a useless ex? I don’t think I’ve asked for help with childcare from friends more than a couple of times in more than a decade.

Original poster
Megssy · 19/09/2024 00:11

To add more info

Friend only works 3 days a week with a 12 year old and 6 year old. Her husband is self employed. Her mother has her kids one evening a week, and her inlaws another evening. The 3rd day she uses after school club .

Thanks to family she is regularly able to have nights out without kids. Or even Weekends away

Oh and she is nearly mortgage free, prob thanks to never paying childcare

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 19/09/2024 00:12

In that case, say no with enthusiasm.

BrokenSushiLook · 19/09/2024 00:13

Biggest question is whether you would want her to return the favour and if so would she do it. If you can set up something reciprocal then it's fine - it's good for friends to help each other. If she's all take and no give then she's a CF and YANBU to say no.

Edingril · 19/09/2024 00:13

It doesn't matter what back story just say no or yea only when you can, it is in your control

RickiRaccoon · 19/09/2024 00:16

It's nice to help out where you can, especially if you can get a bit of back and forth going so you both benefit. If it's an inconvenience and never reciprocated, you're not unreasonable to say no.

At the same time she's not unreasonable to ask politely and accept a no. If she's asking all the time, I would expect to see her offer on her 2 days off to take other people's kids for a bit!

Original poster
Megssy · 19/09/2024 00:18

I on other hand was working full time in a very stressfull job (currently on mat leave), with 3 hour round commute time (her commute is 10 mins)

I have a 4 month old, 3 year old and 8 year old. I have no family able to help and have a very sick father who requires help from me on a daily basis.

My nights out are rare as babysitting costs £15 an hour. Have 20 years on my mortgage because I pay for childcare 🙈

Lots of probably irrelevant information, but just want to make the point my hands are full so feel it adds to the cheek to even be asked

In her defense.... she will have my children if I asked. , (i think, I've just never asked ) . She has had my eldest before on school inset days but I could wfh so although I was grateful wasn't needed

OP posts:
Original poster
Megssy · 19/09/2024 00:24

I'm more than happy to help out, just think if a regular request she should set up proper childcare provision.

An example of childcare request- I had her youngest on a Sunday as eldest son was playing football and was cold. No problem. But then found out her husband was playing golf as he does every Sunday

meanwhile my husband and I change our plans, work schedules etc to accommodate our kids plans

OP posts:
Aavalon57 · 19/09/2024 00:24

You need to say no now and you don't have to give an excuse although with three kids including a new baby, it's pretty obvious you don't have the time! She sounds lazy and a user.

Aavalon57 · 19/09/2024 00:26

Just read your last post. You need to say no every time! Husband and wife are both using you as free childcare.

Original poster
Megssy · 19/09/2024 00:29

Thanks all. No it is from now on and without guilt 🙈

OP posts:
Franjipanl8r · 19/09/2024 00:37

Just say you’d love to help but you don’t have capacity at the moment. And keep saying it.

BruFord · 19/09/2024 00:40

Say a guilt-free no and think no more about it. My children are older now, but I had a friend who would sometimes ask for help with lifts- I'd drop them home only to discover that her husband was there! This was pre-pandemic so he wasn't wfh, he was pottering around! No idea why he couldn't pick them up.

PullTheBricksDown · 19/09/2024 00:41

I wouldn't even include the 'I'd love to help' bit. I'd go straight to 'Sorry but I'm so overloaded right now. You know my dad's still poorly, did I tell you about.?' and shift the conversation to how much you have to do. These types are good at ignoring your end of things though.

PinkyAndTheBarnacle · 19/09/2024 01:04

Franjipanl8r · 19/09/2024 00:37

Just say you’d love to help but you don’t have capacity at the moment. And keep saying it.

Don’t say you’d love to help. Just say no

Rainbowqueeen · 19/09/2024 01:36

Try saying actually I was about to ask you the same thing! I'm finding it really rough with 3 such little ones, lack of sleep and it would really help me out.

You do have a commitment, you are raising 3 kids. There also a safety issue - the more kids you are looking after at one time, the greater the risk.

Do this every time she asks for childcare. You can always say sure, Im happy to look after your DC on Saturday in 2 weeks time if you take mine next week. The trick is to make it so that the care you want her to do comes first. My bet is that she will stop asking you for any favours.

ThinWomansBrain · 19/09/2024 02:11

if she is asking a group of you, presumable whatsapp or similar - do you even need to reply?

You sound bitter about the nearly mortgage free. It won't be just the constant asking for favours - life choices - like having four children - will also be a factor.

coxesorangepippin · 19/09/2024 02:43

Er, no??

MissTrip82 · 19/09/2024 02:48

I don’t really understand the comparison with her life, it’s not relevant.

You’re hands are full, fine to say no to any request.

Flatandhappy · 19/09/2024 02:50

It gives me the shits when women ask for childcare favours in order to not inconvenience their partners/husbands. Regular childcare requests are really only acceptable imo if it a reciprocal arrangement that benefits both parties. Your friend sounds like a cf so I would start saying no every time, it will be interesting to see if she remains a friend.

Fraaahnces · 19/09/2024 03:46

I would actually have a very firm chat with her and let her know that her expectations are CF'ery. You have more than enough on your plate. She chose to have kids and needs to commit to raising them just as you are doing with yours.

CuriousGeorge80 · 19/09/2024 03:53

Just say no every time, and she will stop asking in the end. I have a couple of friends who take the piss (one with money and the other with favours) and after realising they were CF I just automatically say no to every request they make. I’m happy to help people out generally but only a reasonable amount!

kiwiane · 19/09/2024 04:06

You have enough to cope with in the mornings without an extra child - presumably if you wanted to childmind then you would charge. Don’t apologise - just say it doesn’t suit you.

MayaPinion · 19/09/2024 04:13

‘No can do, Mary. My hands are full with my own.’ That’s all you need to say.

WimpoleHat · 19/09/2024 04:30

Regular childcare requests are really only acceptable imo if it a reciprocal arrangement that benefits both parties

Completely agree. It’s one thing to ask if you could take her son to school on Wednesday because she needs to go to the dentist/she’s ill or whatever. Quite another to try to rope you into a regular commitment just because it suits her. I’d say no without hesitation. She’s a CF.