Friend constantly asking for childcare

[Megssy]

Just need a bit of a rant.

I have a very close friend and I love her dearly, but... she constantly asks for childcare favours. On the occasion I don't mind, but this is super frequent. Because basically she doesn't want to pay childcare . She doesn't just ask me... she asks the whole friendship group.

She's just asked me now if I would walk her son to school one day every week. She knows when I leave for school in the morning and I am currently on maternity leave so have no other commitments.

Aibu to say no? I have just said my 3 year old is being awkward so don't want to commit

If you don't want to do it just say, sorry too much on my hands with my lot.

If actually you're going anyway and it's not too much hassle why not suggest she takes your child on another day. No reason for you both doing the trip everyday....

You've got alot on your hands maybe a friend to share school runs would make both your lives easier.

Her mortgage has nothing to do with you

Maybe her husband is a dick and won’t change his plans to accommodate the kids, and she is responsible for it all.

not saying that means you should provide childcare but it might be why she asks.

Is it inconvenient for you to take her child to school once a week

Any sort of regular, open ended obligation is inconvenient almost by definition, I think - apart from anything else, it takes away your freedom to do something else. And if, for some reason, she’s not doing that walk on that day, she feels obliged to explain herself/offer another solution. I also remember a thread on here where someone had agreed to this sort of situation and the kid was awfully behaved and she felt it was then difficult to reverse the arrangement on that basis.

Completely different if the friend had said “Would you walk my son to school on Monday and I’ll take yours on Tuesday” as there is reciprocity there.

An extra child on the school run when you already have three is an inconvenience. I would be saying no.

Absolutely YANBU, she is being a cheeky so and so and if she knows that is going to need it regularly than needs to be getting proper paid childcare in place like every other parent does...

Yep- just say no, I cant do that. No excuses, justifications or apologies. She's massively taking the piss. If she distances from you after this you'll know she was just using you.

I was watching a documentary a few years ago, can't remember what country it was in but they essentially all mucked in for childcare and it looked bloody amazing. Such a community.

The problem in the UK is that we've lost that due to the lifestyles we are all now forced to live. So if you say yes it's very likely you won't have the favour returned.

YANBU
If she comes back tell her …..As a rule, I always try to help out in real emergencies but as I’m sure you can understand, it’s impossible for me to commit to a regular weekly favour as my hands are completely full with looking after my own children and it’s especially hard with the morning routine.

Will she still be your friend when you tell her you're not doing this?

Problem is, one day becomes 2 then 3 - and it’s annoying, they’re late, or too early, you’re running around trying to get yours sorted and there’s another voice wanting something - or the house gets trashed or they haven’t had breakfast etc - or no PE kit and it’ll drive you mad.

"I can't commit to any more regular commitments at the moment."

Optional
"You're welcome to try me if you're really stuck one day "

Erm, no, what’s not nice is this CF asking OP, knowing OP works full time, has 3 kids (;one a baby), a sick father and very little help from anyone else

Of course she’s unreasonable to ask!

I think I know what you mean.

But this woman has regular help from her mum and her husband is off golfing on this occasion. So I don't think that's what happened here, I think it's just a classic cf.

I think it's relevant in that it makes her much cheekier to be asking at all!

OP, she's an absolute piss-taker. Keep saying no.

A woman came into my realm once that was exactly as you describe. I helped her out by minding her baby once and that was it. I could never and would never become friends with someone who was such a taker, it is unlikely that this kind of attitude wasn't there even before children. Fuck that, the world is full of kind, decent, reciprocally minded people, I don't waste my time or energy or spare capacity on the other kind. In your case it would be a hard no and with no apologies and if she pushed it, I'd be letting her know more.

You might like to consider saying yes, if you did want to start going out a bit more that is . You could say yes, if in exchange she'd babysit one Saturday evening a month. You'd see if she'd help you back that way, and get some time to go out if she does.

Why on earth don't you reply with "Sure I can look after little David/Annabelle but it will be €20/£15 per hour. My time is worth something so I've decided to start charging for it. I can give you my Venmo/Revolut/Bank Details so that you can pay when you collect your child".

They are only CFkers if we allow them to remain CFkers.

You could say yes, if in exchange she'd babysit one Saturday evening a month.

In my experience at least, this is not how it works with people like this. They are takers. She’ll agree to it and then renege, leaving the OP stuck with a daily school run as she’ll look oh-so-petty if she then says she won’t do it. Someone reasonable would have offered her that to begin with - a could you do x for me and maybe I could do y or z for you? By the sound of it, this friend just looks for opportunities for childcare wherever she can. I’d steer well clear if I were the OP. Much better to try a reciprocal Saturday arrangement with someone else if that’s what she wants.

100% this.

Her and her Sunday Golfing Husband.

Still trying to live the single life without their offspring interfering with their schedule. Well guess what??? When you have kids YOU become responsible for them, not your neighbours or friends. So be responsible for them, including giving up your Sunday round of golf or whatever.

If you have to pay £15 an hour for a night out because you have no one to help, can’t you use this reciprocally? If she asks for childcare in the week (and you’re able to accommodate) just say yes, but we need a babysitter on Sat night can you help too please? Then it’s either win win for you both, or she’ll stop asking.

And, it's a 'no' from me. Focus on your own little one and tell your friend that your little one likes to stop to look at the flowers and nature and is very interested in her walk to nursery and that is a precious time for just the two of you. No offence, but sounds as if your friend is a tad skiver where her kids are concerned. Her children, her, choice, her problem, she made them!

Setting up something reciprocal sounds a good plan and then you could go out a bit more?
You sound like you have a lot on and could do with a break - and nice to have someone you can mutually rely on.
I would try and forget about the mortgage difference! Don't think it's relevant and sounds slightly bitter which I'm sure isn't intended. She's clearly in a very lucky position!

The problem with a regular arrangement is that very quickly, rather than seeing it as a massive favour, it becomes expected. And then, when you decide you don't want to do it anymore, you are suddenly the baddie.

Her mortgage has nothing to do with you

I don't agree! All these pps saying OP is jealous - what a strange take.

Of course this friend's lifestyle and mortgage are relevant. OP is making the point that she is in the position to afford childcare but would rather get it free. Also, she clearly has family around (OP doesn't - I was in that position) and takes that for granted. She has much more flexibility than OP but is very entitled and has no awareness of how cheeky she's being.

Her husband shouldn't be playing golf while a put-upon friend watches their children!

I'm with you OP - you are not being unreasonable or jealous.

Is it inconvenient for you to take her child to school once a week? If not then I don’t see the problem.

The point being, if you want a regular service, you pay money to someone who provides that. You don't request it for free from others.

Its a favour if you ask it once in a while because you're ill etc,not where you try and get friends to act as a childminder for you for free