Friend constantly asking for childcare

[Megssy]

Just need a bit of a rant.

I have a very close friend and I love her dearly, but... she constantly asks for childcare favours. On the occasion I don't mind, but this is super frequent. Because basically she doesn't want to pay childcare . She doesn't just ask me... she asks the whole friendship group.

She's just asked me now if I would walk her son to school one day every week. She knows when I leave for school in the morning and I am currently on maternity leave so have no other commitments.

Aibu to say no? I have just said my 3 year old is being awkward so don't want to commit

The comparison is to compare to compare how chaotic my life is compares to hers. My dad's illness is dementia and fairly advance and my mum is no longer alive. My in-laws are ill also but live 200 miles away

Not bitter about her mortgage. But she openly says she doesn't want to pay for childcare which does wind me up when she us clearly in a position that she can afford it

Yeah comparison not directly needed but where my thoughts are lying and to fill ine the background info 🙂

Occasional help is no issue. And it doesn't inconvenience me too much which is why I'm conflicted.

It's the constant asking and lack of getting her own childcare that annoys me. Kids been in school 2 weeks and it's the 3rd favour she has asked me. My neighbour took her kid to school this morning. Another friend had her kid after school the other day. So you are talking g about 4 -5 "favours" a week although not all my way.

My friends are wonderful. We all help each other out which I love! I just not gone unnoticed that she asked 10 times more than everyone else when she has the least mental load of anyone I know

Anyway I only needed a rant.... after spending the weekend in the hospital with my dad I just don't appreciate being put on

Also in response to other comments. She asks for childcare favours but 100% don't think she forms friendships on that basis. Ie of I say no she won't ditch me. She just lives in her own world and doesn't see the bigger picture sometimes. I would rather rant here to strangers than to her 100% don't want to lose our friendship.

Thanks all for your thoughts

No no no no.

I don’t get asked for childcare favours often because people know I work full time (thank goodness).

And I have no trouble saying no if it does work, even if it’s not due to work.

But if I ever do say yes, I tend to say “oh it’s so nice for me to be able to help this time, as I almost never can”. Quite helpful in not creating an expectation! I don’t say it in a way that sounds PA!

If you don't want to lose the friendship then you need to feel comfortable saying no. The alternative is to say yes and feel resentful, which could ultimately result in your loss of the friendship anyway.

What you need to find is a way of saying No to her that also lets her realise she's been unreasonable (although from what you've said she sounds stingy and also strategically oblivious which is a bad combo.)

ie if she messages - "Nope - exhausted right now with kids, baby, Dad being so unwell and can't take on anything extra, sorry!"

And just keep repeating that. I think it's reasonable to mention your dad. The invisible mental load of a parent with dementia is considerable, your plate is full.

Ideally she'll get the picture but ultimately if you decide you're done with giving her free childcare and will be saying no (and don't allow yourself to feel guilty) you'll be much happier.

Wow is she insane? YANBU

Just say no. How much other help she gets is really irrelevant. And why don't you start asking her for help occassionally?

Just say you can't commit to a regular thing no. ☺️

You have to learn to just say no. There doesn’t need to be a whole list of reasons why. Just a simple no I’m sorry that won’t work for me.

You make a good point 😂

Say you've already got your hands full, and maybe send some details of a local childminder you just happened to find. What a CF!

Also, where people have said “it’s just an extra child” - yes it is but she could as easily be offering to take your child to school as it’s “just an extra one” bearing in mind everything you’ve got in.

She’s got a cheek tbh. I was in a similar position to you this time last year, although the mother wasn’t a close friend. Just someone I’d met at the school. She would drop it on me that she couldn’t pick her son up at least once a week. “Oh I’ve got a telephone doctors appointment as the exact time the school bell goes, I think I’ve got food poisoning, I have a migraine, I’m working, I finally flipped when she barged her way through a group of me and my actual mates talking, and demanded I give her a lift home by 9am because she had an online course!! The best part was, I live a 15 minute drive from the school, and she lives in the same street as the school. You can’t make it up! She hasn’t asked since though, so bonus! 🏆 💕

She's got 2 kids, one who is 12 (so basically requires pretty minimal "looking after") yet you have 3, including a 4 month old baby and she's asking YOU to look after her kids whilst her husband plays golf?!

The cheeky cow!!! Her and her husband should be ashamed of themselves. They won't be of course...

You are well within your rights to say no, OP - however walking a child to school one day per week - when you are going there anyway, doesn't seem a big deal really. Sounds a tad melodramatic

Either do this or dont. To say no is going to look petty tho perhaps,

All the other stuff about her being mortgage free is just white noise.

Say no. Dress it up as in a few months time you will be back at work and leaving her in the lurch’ so better that she organized something now.

can’t bear people who think it’s ok to have kids because they want them and then freeload for childcare.

What a CF. Say no and keep saying it. I would help a friend in an emergency but not regularly.

It would depend on a few factors for me.

How far away does she live from you? Would the child be dropped off at your house and is she reliably on time or would they end up making you all late or equally would she take the piss and arrive early whilst you're trying to get ready? How far is the walk to school and is her child well behaved?

If it wasn't going to inconvenience me in ANY way then I would probably agree to do it on the proviso that it was only one day and no more.

What is the reason that she can't take her own child to school out of interest?

Can you do a swap whereby you take hers once a week and she takes yours so at least you're getting something out of it!?

Apologies if you've already said this!

Why would it seem petty though?
I don't understand this position.

The OP has her own kids to look after. Yes she will be bringing her kids to school but why is it petty to say to someone else that you're not bringing their kid to school too? It's their kid. They are responsible for that kid.

Also, if you're not used to this kind of request, it starts out as "will you walk/accompany X to school 1 day a week?" to "Can you walk X to school 5 days a week?" and suddenly you're not only bringing X to school, but you're hanging around waiting for X to bring X home too and feed X until parents get home themselves and it just grows and grows, all the while the kind and generous neighbour isn't getting a brass farthing in payment for this (because it is actually a paying job for some people to offer wrap-around care/child minding).

So OP - I don't see you as being petty for valuing your time. Even if you are walking in the same direction to school as your neighbour's kid. They are not your responsibility to take on.

Say no, but still ask her to babysit one evening as it sounds like you could do with an evening off and she's a CF.

She’s not a friend, just a sponging user.

Does she ever return childcare favours???

Wouldn't think of asking unless it could be reciprocal.

We did say yes to something similar and the CFs just came with more asks and no thanks, but never offered when we had issues.

I would say no and how much you have on.

Try "sure, if I take them both on Monday, I'll drop Florrie round to you on a Wednesday then I don't have to get the little ones out in the winter every day". See if she bites.

@LookItsMeAgain

Absolutely, I could have written this. It is the difference between someone genuinely needing help who would help back and CFs. Plus if you ever cannot do it you will be painted as the bad guy. "Also, if you're not used to this kind of request, it starts out as "will you walk/accompany X to school 1 day a week?" to "Can you walk X to school 5 days a week?" and suddenly you're not only bringing X to school, but you're hanging around waiting for X to bring X home too and feed X until parents get home themselves and it just grows and grows...."