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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'd like to be a SAHD...

951 replies

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:19

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

OP posts:
MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 18/09/2024 18:16

Have you ever had a girlfriend, OP? What did she have to say about your dreams?

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 18:17

IVFmumoftwo · 18/09/2024 17:58

What about the pay inequality between men and women especially after having a child?

Reread my previous post about how I am not personally responsible for men wanting to think men are superior when we all shit the same way

OP posts:
CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate · 18/09/2024 18:17

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 18:12

If that's what you want to think.

I'm not going to waste my breath!

It will be after her Mat period and depending on finances, could be until they start school or for a couple of years after that.

Everything that a woman would do on here and would not be critiqued for, people certianly would think her parental wishes were a fetish!

A woman wouldn't be on here telling everyone she is Rosa Parks because she dreams of having kids and being a SAHP and then repeatedly talk about shagging her non existent husband after he's worked a full day just because she made him some chicken nuggets.

Comedycook · 18/09/2024 18:18

Do you work at the moment op?

Completelyjo · 18/09/2024 18:18

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 18:14

Read what I said before about that bit being a romantic pipe dream

It just shows you actually have no idea what it’s like to raise young children.

In fact you barely mention the children in your very long and wordy OP, just sex multiple times 🙄

gardenmusic · 18/09/2024 18:19

I'd have assumed by the responses on here that whether you choose to be a SAHP or settle for being one, the day to day tasks do not change. So how does that make me lazy by being one of the 'proactive choosers?"

Because your initial post tells us that you have a very rosy view of what it would be like. How well you could do it. How much you would enjoy parental activities. How perfect your life would be, how efficient you would be.
Those who do know what it is like perceive that you would be lazily enjoying your proactively chosen 'parental activities', while doing a half assed job of the necessities.

You have no bloody idea!

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 18:19

CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate · 18/09/2024 18:17

A woman wouldn't be on here telling everyone she is Rosa Parks because she dreams of having kids and being a SAHP and then repeatedly talk about shagging her non existent husband after he's worked a full day just because she made him some chicken nuggets.

Will be the last time I mention that referencing her was a mistake - drop that now please, or it will seem you are being deliberately antagonistic

OP posts:
CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate · 18/09/2024 18:20

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 18:19

Will be the last time I mention that referencing her was a mistake - drop that now please, or it will seem you are being deliberately antagonistic

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/09/2024 18:20

I earn more than my husband but I’d never agree for him to be a SAHP. Not because he’s a man, I think it’s almost always a bad idea for anyone to be a SAHP.

I’m sure you’ll be able to find a woman who wouldn’t be against a SAHP. Good luck to you.

DarkForces · 18/09/2024 18:20

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:47

I have spent a large amount of time looking after young family members, one of the factors that helped me have this realisation!

All of them told me I had a gift as well - So I loved doing it and was told by other parents I was fantastic at it.

Yes men are often told they're fantastic for doing the basics. I wouldn't set much store in that.

However, if you want to be a sahd then look for a partner who wants the same as you, but don't bore on about it like you're unique and special. Her vulva will shut so fast there'll be no baby making.

And whatever you do, don't compare yourself to Rosa Parks ever again. It's an insult to her memory.

BureauCats · 18/09/2024 18:21

The whole post screams "I'm such a nice guy; will one of you please PM me so I can shag you?" 🤢🤢🤮🤮

LostTheMarble · 18/09/2024 18:21

@sussexcoast98 would you like to answer the many posts asking if you’ve ever had a girlfriend? Preferably a breathing one and not an anime print on a giant pillow?

CatamaranViper · 18/09/2024 18:21

"Hey everyone, come and see how wonderful I am. I'm a shining BEACON of what YOU should want"

GiddyRobin · 18/09/2024 18:22

Nice sentiment and all, but it's frankly a rose-tinted view. And call me cynical, but I feel like it's almost a ploy to get women to agree with the idea that it'd be lovely to get back to a luxurious meal and fully cleaned house, kids happy and tidy, sex on tap. As though that's what SAHMs should be doing for their working husbands.

I'm not a SAHM, I love my career. DH and I both work, and work from home. We're 50/50 in all housework, child rearing, life admin. So it's not that I don't believe men can't and shouldn't pull their weight.

However.

On maternity leave, I tidied a bit but not much, especially after my second child. I had two kids to look after, and a sparkling house would have meant chaos. When DH came home, we both cooked and we both tidied. Like fuck was I having dinner ready on the table for him like a good little housewife - his job was lecturing and mine was bringing up the kids. When he came home, the adult tasks that benefited us both were split between us. He also took over and spent time with them while I bathed and decompressed, etc.

The only thing on your list I did do was lots of sex, and that's because he's an equal partner and I love him.

Anyone who can do what you're saying you'd like to do, is either grinding themselves to a nervous breakdown or trapped in the 1950s. I'd suggest making a thread and asking about the average day of a SAHM. Sitting on a toilet and drinking a coffee with one hand and keeping a toddler out of the sink with the other isn't really conducive to cooking 3 course meals.

Beautifulweeds · 18/09/2024 18:22

Being a stay at home parent, whether male or female, isn't the norm anymore. If circumstances allow one to be then that's a discussion each couple has to have and it is mostly women as they are breastfeeding and the emotional attachment to a baby.

You do sound like you want to be a pioneer to be SAHD but there are already quite a few out there. So what you mean is you would like to do it, that's great, but it really isn't as romantic as you make it sound. Xx

DarkForces · 18/09/2024 18:24

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 18:19

Will be the last time I mention that referencing her was a mistake - drop that now please, or it will seem you are being deliberately antagonistic

Heaven forbid that women be antagonistic. Scratch the surface and the misogynistic appears.

takealettermsjones · 18/09/2024 18:24

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 18:19

Will be the last time I mention that referencing her was a mistake - drop that now please, or it will seem you are being deliberately antagonistic

Settle down now, you uppity woman!

gardenmusic · 18/09/2024 18:24

I wanted to provide an example of a man who would be a positive role model in both of those categories.

But first, get a girlfriend, then you can show us your example. It's all hypothetical at present.

LynetteScavo · 18/09/2024 18:24

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too!

FFS is did the SAHP thing all wrong - DH always got the left overs of what the Dc and I had eaten when he got home, and often fell asleep on the DCs bedroom floor while I was putting one of them to bed and DH was dealing with the other. Nice time in the evenings often consisted of grunting to each other. We sometimes wondered how we managed to conceive DC 2 and 3.

goestheweasel · 18/09/2024 18:26

You'll need to find a woman to have sex with first. I clenched shut at "my lady", "cuddles" and the non ironic use of the smiley face.

Comedycook · 18/09/2024 18:26

How were you brought up @sussexcoast98 ? By your mum/dad? Did they work or stay at home?

TheCrenchinglyMcQuaffenBrothers · 18/09/2024 18:27

As a predominantly female site

Why don't you go and post this again, on a 'predominantly male' site. see how it goes? Then come back and tell us......

TheCrenchinglyMcQuaffenBrothers · 18/09/2024 18:28

DarkForces · 18/09/2024 18:24

Heaven forbid that women be antagonistic. Scratch the surface and the misogynistic appears.

Tbf, didn't even need to scratch the surface, you could tell it was coming from the off. Just a question of how long it took....

CrikeyMajikey · 18/09/2024 18:29

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

OP I wish you luck, if you are able to cook even beans on toast for your Lady she will be a very lucky lady indeed.

Fluufer · 18/09/2024 18:30

Not read the thread, but good luck with the 3 course candlelit dinner when you've sprogs running around. Dear God.😂