I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

@sussexcoast98 Aww did I touch a nice guy nerve?

My other half is my equal partner. We both have our strengths, we both work full time professional roles, and we both take care of our children. There are no men or women jobs, there are just jobs, we each do what we are best at.

You're not calling out other men. You're saying what you want. That's not how relationships or life work.

You do know that most parents just get on with it don't you?

That means my brothers, friends, neighbours, acquaintances and tradesmen just get on with being fathers.

In the case of my brothers and friends the men they grew up around them gave them ideas of what to do and behave like. However their household financial situations are different from the men they grew up with and around.

So you aren't a trail blazer.

You raised them to near adulthood as a SAHM?!

Holy macaroni! Imagine if I as a man proposed doing that, rather than for a few years??

And I was called lazy for wanting to do just that!

When they are at big school, always out with friends, virtually their own lives, there isn't as much 'proactive parenting' going on then is there?

Of course, that is assuming there is no SN there for any child...

You'd only be left with the cleaning and cooking and household bits, that, you know, everyone that is an adult has to do alongside working, especially those that are single, (but also the vast majority that are not), otherwise they live in a nuclear pigsty and starve to death...

So does that make you 'lazy' as well, or is it somehow d I f f e r e n t for me and my situation?

I won’t lie, I was getting some entertainment from this thread but it’s getting a tad boring now.

And before you mention 'maternal/primal' instinct - yes, it is true that carrying and birthing a child will create a special bond, it does not mean that fathers can not have a biological paternal bond with their child and want to care and rise them, and additionally, be attracted to the idea of being a parent for a few years as their 'occupation'. They may like the idea of doing parenting activities!

A maternal bond is more than raising your child and being there full time. Do you know of the biological connection between mother and baby? That the baby doesn’t actually realise it’s a separate entity to its mother for months after the birth? That it’s physically painful for mother and baby to be separated for long or hearing their baby cry? It’s a biological response that fathers don’t have. You can absolutely bond and be the primary carer for your child as they grow but you cannot replicate those early few weeks/months.

But I know what you’re actually doing here. You’re thinking you can reverse psych women into telling the world why they should be primary carers over men because you actually believe it’s their place to do so. Not at all, for the men that actually understand what it means to be a SAHP they can absolutely fulfil the role. You haven’t got the slightest clue as to what it actually means. You’ve skipped a whole part about building a relationship with a woman and gone instantly into seeing her as a baby making machine for your fantasy. You are, as the kids say, delulu.

I don't believe that Mother Nature endowed men with the patience it takes to deal with infants. If my husband ever espoused these kind of ideas I never would have married him. I carry the babies. I breastfeed them. I stay with them until they are ready for preschool. Every culture that ever existed understood the basic principle that very young children need their mothers.

You're not necessarily lazy op....more deluded.

And I really don't need to have motherhood mansplained to me by a childless single man in his 20s.

Your single and coming off as quite frankly weird about it all

Parents get on with things

WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY?!

My DH wanted 4 or 5 children before we had children. He changed his mind within months of child 1 arriving! 🤣

"We" recently looked after a friends toddler who DH described as demanding. They were not demanding, simply a toddler, who you couldn't leave to their own devices for practical and safety reasons! DH had forgotten the toddler phase, probably because he did very few large chunks of time where they were awake and he was in sole charge!

And imagine if I said I like my women busty, big-bummed, so it can show me her 'primal instinct' to be childbearing and provide my offspring?

How do you think that would go down?

But somehow for one side of the equation, that attitude is acceptable?

How many times on here have we seen a woman get a haircut, a man hates it, and the women tell her that he's a pig and to divorce him?

Conversely, how many times have we seen them say their husband has got a haircut, they hate it, and the women tell her that it is okay to have preferences, you can't help what you are/aren't attracted to etc, they should find a compromise?

People wouldn't want to resort to 'cave people' values if it affected every part of their lives, living in a cave, no washing, no clothes, virtually page 1 of genesis

However when it comes to values that are advantageous to you, you're more than happy to go back there?

It was a way of thinking equated to the standards of living and intelligence at the time.

It's not sexist for a man to call a woman sexist and that's exactly what you are being here.

So does that make you 'lazy' as well, or is it somehow d I f f e r e n t for me and my situation?

Your situation is a made up scenario in your head that is highly unlikely to come to fruition. Not because you can’t be a stay at home dad, but because the only person you need a strong relationship with is a therapist…

The anger that comes across in your posts doesn’t make you sound like a nice guy at all.

Reread what you have written here and remember you don’t have a wife and you do not have children. It’s very strange behaviour to have such strong opinions about something that isn’t part of your current world and berating someone when it actually is their life. Someone who is living this life is going to know more about it all than you.

Go out and enjoy your 20s!

If that's what you want and you can find a woman who is happy to support you while you do it, good luck to you. Tbh I think you'll find it has less risks and negatives than when a woman takes on the SAH role, as I imagine the career break will impact you less, and any judgement you recieve will probably be positive if the SAHD I've known are anything to go by. We are still at a point where a man looking after his DC is seen by many as verging on the heroic, so I'm sure you'll get a lot of gratifying praise and flattery, plus offers of help, that will ease the burden and increase your self esteem.

We all get on with things, you simply have no response to the inequalities I have highlighted here.

Because it is entertainment.

*One thing I've learnt since having children is, you simply don't know how you’ll feel about anything until they're here. I had all sorts of ideas of what I thought i’d be like or want, most went our the window!

The best you can do is try and find a like-minded person to settle down with and then just be open and flexible when the time comes.*

Agree with this...

Thank you so much:)

You know what people on here generally don't need? Someone to come on and start using themselves as an example of a man who would be a positive role model.

You have no idea what it is to be a parent. You just don't. It's nothing like babysitting or playing with your mates kids.

You have no idea what it is to be someone's long term partner. It's nothing like the movies.

You have no idea what it is to be a stay at home parent. You've literally never done it.

My husband is my partner. We both work full time and are raising our kids. They are being shown that there is no male/female jobs, just jobs, and we're doing that without dolling DH up as some sort of activist. We just quietly get on with our lives without expecting praise or comparing ourselves to Rosa Parks.

For many, many women, the "I'm not like other guys" is the biggest red flag going. I'm not saying that to be a bitch but it's just true. I've known "nice guys" and just guys that are nice. The guys that are nice don't parade around thinking they're something special.

What about the pay inequality between men and women especially after having a child?

That’s pretty sexist.

The OP is 26.

Depending where he ends up living in 10 years time he likely won't.

Where I live it is normal to see dads with their babies and young children on Thursdays and Fridays in the middle of the day. In fact I kept bumping into acquaintances with their babies and toddlers when I was WFH a decade ago and on my lunch break.

Treating it as a windup is entertainment.

People getting genuinely shocked at the outrageous misogyny oozing from every word isn't entertaining, it's making me wonder at the gullibility.

Wow. That’s a very 1950s view

I just got the bottle of wine out and I'm buckling down.

I'm sorry, you compared yourself to Rosa Parks? Good grief.

What the fuck is going on with Mumsnet today. Every thread I open is just batshit 😂