I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

Not everybody gets the same oppourtunties in life, whether you accept that or not. It's one of the big issues in our country.

I know of zero families with 1 stay at home parent (through choice) who achieve this financially by not going on holiday. That just doesn't happen.

This. I wouldn't have looked twice at a man of nearly 30 still living at home with his parents, OP. I wanted a man who was ambitious as I was, who I could trust to work as hard as I did to provide the life we both wanted. I did give up full time work when my children were very young but I still took any freelance work that came along, I swallowed my pride and waitressed at night when my kids were asleep, YEARS after I thought I had left waitressing behind, to ease the load on him. You cannot underestimate the burden on the main earner's shoulders when they become responsible for an entire family all by themselves. I may not have earned very much compared to him, but my husband really appreciated the fact that I was willing to do every thing and anything that I could to help him, even when it meant walking out the door to a low paying job just as he was coming home. THAT is a real relationship. Not three course meals and sex.

I can! Is that relevant for the 'manliness' aspect, or are you suggesting I simply use my car to abandon my training and job commitments here and move somewhere cheaper to start again, pushing things back further?

University is for everyone. That aside, even if that's the case what makes you think those two worlds will collide? Why would anyone who's worked to achieve a certain lifestyle compromise just for you?

I didn't say anything about manliness. I was wondering if petrol and purchasing a vehicle would be solely on your future partner to, plus ferrying you around.

You're a bit obsessed with this idea of manliness.

Assuming you aren’t a troll, I realise it’s very exciting to have discovered feminism, even if it’s a very weird form where you think misandry is real, call your future wife m’lady and compare yourself to Rosa Parks for doing something thousands of men are already doing.

You can do this without preening in front of a bunch of battle-hardened women who are very likely to hand you your arse on a plate.

I suggest you pop over to https://www.reddit.com/r/StayAtHomeDaddit/
where you will get a more useful response. Miss out the Rosa Parks stuff, though.

My advice is to get a good career, find a place of your own, learn to drive and work on yourself. That’s attractive to potential partners and is good for you.

Get over yourself my dh did all this in the 90s but with less vomit inducing chat .

No they’re not. Because they worked damn hard to “fund the ability to stay home” so when they become a SAHM tneyve worked bloody hard in the past to be financially comfortable to do so.
Do you realise how much money you’d need saved up/how much your partner would have to earn, in order for one parent to stay home?
Right now you’re in your late 20s still living at home, working as a vet assistant. What moves are you making now to ensure you’ve saved the tens/hundreds of thousands you’ll need to afford this lifestyle?

I hadn’t actually read the history until now. Imagine a 26 year old living in his mum and dad’s basement earning minimum wage with these delusions of grandeur. I was definitely right about the incel bit. It’s a bit scary that men like this are out there.

"Not everybody gets the same oppourtunties in life, whether you accept that or not. It's one of the big issues in our country."

I hate this mindset, and feel like way too many people rely on it and use it to victimise themselves. Yes some people are a step up, but that doesn't stop you from fighting for what you want! I was in a shitty position at 18, and focused on what I wanted. I'm now 27, earn a comfortable 6 figure living, own a house solo. All whilst raising a child completely on my own, caring for sick parents (I also spent enough time with them to claim carers, btw, if I hadn't ALSO been working full time), and supporting various mentally ill family members. It's possible. And now being in this situation, and looking for someone to build a life with, there's no way on earth I'd consider someone who made it to 26 and was on minimum wage, no matter what the sob story.

No, what you've done is come on and start a post about how your destiny is to be a sahd and that you are seeking a high earner to do this. You then went on and detailed how easy it is to be a sahm by looking after a child, cleaning and preparing 3 course meals to maintain energy for sex.

Youve said people can't believe how amazing you are with children and how people refused to take their children anywhere if you wasn't going to be there, you mentioned how you once wore a pink t shirt then some.more drivvle about wanting sex again

You also added in a bit of racism and tried multiple times to justify it by referring to it as an Afghan lifestyle

Everytime someone points out a flaw (and there are many) in your posts, you don't actually answer, you instead stick with your stock one liners "but that's what women do" and you are desperately trying to turn it into a thread where women start attacking other women for not being high earners or equal partners

Even your apology wasn't genuine because you thought everyone here would be stupid enough to believe that everything you've said wasn't down to you but down to your undiagnosed ND.

So you're basically saying that a woman is there to provide sex and look after things for 'hubby?'

are you just undermining this whole thread?

You're saying it's okay for her to offer nothing but good looks to make him horny and give him the sex he needs? Oh, as well as saying I'm a decent cook/cleaner as well? I wouldn't shout that too loudly, or is that no longer sexist this morning?

Re the first few dates - again, if a woman went on those dates and said I've always wanted to be a SAHM and have saved enough to support our family 50% foe the couple of years I do so, would that be equally unattractive?

This is a shame because you sound like everything he’s looking for m’lady

I can't believe this thread is still here.

Won't be long before it's full thankfully. One of the most vile and rank threads I have ever seen on Mumsnet.

So go, in person, to many people living in inner-city areas and preach this to them.

Do you think they'd all agree with you?

Would be interesting to see!

So you live at home with your parents and you've never had an adult relationship at age 26?!

I don't think you need to worry about being a SAHD somehow, you aren't exactly a catch even ignoring your racism and misogyny.

I don't understand why any self-respecting 26 year old "man" would post on mumsnet?! How do you even know the website exists?!

Can I just thank the single, childless, male op, who still lives at home, for taking the time to, so thoughtfully, explain parenting, relationships, finances, feminism and women's rights to us all.

I feel like I've learned a lot ❤️

No. YOU are the one that's started a woman baiting post. Everyone one of your replies is either mysoginistic or racist.

This is us. We both worked in London and saved up. So that by the time the kids came along and we had paid off the mortgage (on a small house outside London) we could afford to live comfortably on my husband's income.
This is either a joke, or the guy is dillusional.

Re the first few dates - again, if a woman went on those dates and said I've always wanted to be a SAHM and have saved enough to support our family 50% foe the couple of years I do so, would that be equally unattractive?

It would probably be seen as a bit weird in all honesty.

Those people aren't expecting to have a luxury life funded by a rich, intelligent partner. They might like the idea of it, but they also know it's not going to happen.

You, on the other hand, with literally nothing to offer, are expecting it all.

Get a grip. I work with a neurosurgeon that came from a council estate and neither of his parents worked. My own family are as working class as they come from Liverpool, we are full of good earners and/or highly educated. No one is entitled to anything including to you. There is nothing more unattractive than someone who moans about “lack of opportunities”. Get off your arse and do something about it.

Me too. I'm going to float the idea of my husband being a SAHD. I'm not completely unreasonable and would compromise on a two course meal, not three.

I can't believe I had the audacity to outearn him and not let him stay at him to gain more feminist points