I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

Attraction, personality, my side of the fiscal arrangement...

What would a higher earning man 'need' from a lower earning woman?

So it's acceptable to accept it reluctantly, but emasculating to want it proactively? When the tasks remain the same?

Tell us how you came up with your financial forecast. If she's a high earning woman and wants a large wedding, lots of guests, large family, a honeymoon, you could afford that? And still have a very decent nest egg for the year after when she falls pregnant? Because I'm assuming if she's doing very well in her career, she'll probably be in her 30s and want to get a move on.

How far in the future is this going to happen? You're 26 now. You've still got to meet her, date her, live together a while, be engaged a while (don't forget buying her a ring, holidaying together, splitting rent on a flat).

If you're expecting to do all that, you'd have to meet her pretty soon. I doubt it though, because if she's doing so well then she's not going to be interested in a boy living with his parents who has waited until 26 to "train".

I think you have as much right to be a SAHD as a woman has to be a SAHM, and if you find a woman who is happy with this arrangement and can afford to support this plan, then crack on.

Personally, as the higher earner in our relationship, I wouldn't ever have agreed to DH becoming a SAHP, not because he's a man but because I prefer a more equal partnership in which we both share responsibilities for providing financially, managing the household and raising our dc.

Also, I'll ask again - can you drive?

Probably attractiveness but she'd still need to be able to fit in with his social crowd.

As I said previously women rarely choose men in this way.

High earning successful women will be working and socialising with high earning successful men.

Did you read why I waited until I was 26?

And as you well know, relationships are about compromise. Just because you may want a royal wedding, it does not always mean it can happen. Otherwise everyone would have one!!

Compromises on things like holidays are made by many to accommodate more immediate issues - you have to separate a 'want' and a 'need', at times. It can't all be as we all want it all of the time.

Your fiscal situation is to save enough money to tide you over. You've said this repeatedly.

I don't know many women that want a partner who only only saved a small amount of money to tide them over before settling into a life where you spend their hard earned salary and labelling it family money.

You've been told multiple times that sahp parents were equal prior to having a baby. You've no intention of being equal because you only want enough to tide you over till your wealthy future wife comes along

You're not here for any genuine reason, other than to have a go at women. You don't really like them or hold them in any high opinion because of the way you talk about them and the way you talk at them.

I wish I had the confidence of a less than mediocre man.

As a rule of thumb, I avoid any man who would refer to me as his ‘lady’. It has worked well for me so far.

And as for all those over a certain age who are living at home, for a wide variety of reasons, are they all boys/girls too? We're not all hibernating in the basement you know, some things are out of our control!

I can’t comment on your attractiveness, but you haven’t exactly shown a winning personality here. As for fiscal arrangements, what do you mean by that? At the moment you’re a low earner living at home, the latter part in itself can be an instant ‘no’ for many women (especially heading towards 30). No woman wants to hear ‘well I don’t have much money now, but I’ll have savings as a stay at home dad’ on the first few dates. As a single man, what would make a woman want to enter a relationship with you right now?

What would a higher earning man 'need' from a lower earning woman?

Come on, you know mens wants from women are completely different. Men want sex, if a woman is attractive enough they don’t care what’s on her payslip. They want someone to take care of them and their home so they can go to work and not think much beyond that.

What exactly has been out of your control?

😂

I did, but that would make no difference to me, I'm afraid. You're still a man-child with no life experience living with his parents.

Ahhh, so you're expecting a well off woman to make do with second best because you can't afford it? Why would she compromise the things she wants in life, the lifestyle she's worked to achieve, for you? When there are plenty of men in her world who could afford to live the life she wants.

You've got no idea how you may bump into someone and how you may feel when that happens, none of us can forecast that!

So why is everything up for compromise except you wanting a high paid wife who can fund you being a sahd

Because if someone said on here that a lower earning woman was holding a higher earning man back, there'd be civil war.

Exactly! You want to be a SAHD but you don’t need to be.
so if you find yourself with a child you will find at that point you will have to make compromises. So you can’t plan it now.

This isn't a romantic film op....high earning women will be very discerning about the man they choose to marry and start a family with.

I moved out when I was 18. I went to university and got a job. So did my husband. In fact, he moved from Norway to the UK. Neither of us came from well off backgrounds. We just had drive. That's part of why we fit together so well.

I'd not have touched anyone living at home at 26, no career, with a bargepole. Sob stories or not.

"But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :) "

Not to me no. It's showing me that a man out there exists, that would rather let me work and deprive our child of the mother that she is biologically primed to want, who would lessen my chances of breastfeeding my child, who is totally negating the brain changes that happen in women post birth, all in the name of equality..

Eek, I've never been more put off. Obv some dads do stay at home for a time, but it happens organically, not carefully planned out. I would feel like I was on a time limit. Hey honey, think you are healed up okay? Can you return to work yet? I was going to be the stay at home dad, remember? I don't think Johnny needs breastmilk anymore, he has started solids!

Maybe come back when you have some experience of children, or even women.
And nice Mansplaining what being a SAHP parent consists of (spoiler alert it isn't remotely like you have described)

Didn't say it was! Said I would embrace the idea of it, and be happy about it, if she agreed to it too.

Also said I would accept any choice she wanted but everyone would have an 'option' that would make them the happiest if it was chosen.

Is the lower earning woman waiting around for a rich bloke to come and pay fund her fantastical lifestyle? Because if so, she'd get the same response.

Nobody, man or woman, should plan a future that relies on an as yet unmet partner funding it.

I know a lot of SAHMs. Not one of them planned to be a SAHM - especially not from before they’d even met a partner or started to discuss having kids together. They all focused on their own careers and becoming independent first.

SAHM happened once it was clear that that was what worked best for the child or for the family, in their specific circumstances. And only after discussing and agreeing it with their ( by then long term ) partner/spouse.

Perhaps there are a few women out there who always wanted to be SAHM and set out to find a man who would support this. Personally I don’t agree with picking your life partner this way and I wouldn’t suggest any man do either.

I’m also rather offended by your suggestion a few posts in that men reading this website will magically feel empowered to cast off the shackles of sexist gender roles by you, a male, saying it’s ok to be a SAHD. Obviously they can’t be expected to listen to the mere women who’ve been nudging, nay begging, men to take a more active role in parenting and household labour for years, but when a man arrives to say it’s fine…