I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

This had me crying with laughter. Assuming this isn’t trolling, you act like it will be so easy to find a woman that wants to marry you, bare your children, want to work while you stay at home (because child rearing and being post partum after you have been through pregnancy is SO easy?), earn more than you in the process, and for you to be the perfect doting father cooking her a three course meal in the hopes of sex later. Honestly, I’m in tears. You can tell this post has been written by a 26 year old with no life experience and definitely no experience of women.

All of that telling off will pay for the nappies while his partners off at work! He'll even wear a pink shirt while he takes his little darlings out shopping!

I distrust male "allies".

Which as I said, I have accepted and apologised for. Moving onwards, I will certainly not talk this way as I know it is disliked and I now know why.

I do, however, believe that calling yourself loving is not unreasonable, as I would hate to have to refer to myself or others in a cold way! How would you want me to approach that? I don't think that being a 'loving partner' is a bad thing?

You say this but your previous posts describe your fantasy as a walk in the park and that the expectation of daily 3 course meals and sex is achievable and keep a hygienic house is easy and achievable because a Dad is doing it.

You've no idea of the reality, not even close yet you've come on and lectured everyone and dashed in sprinkles of racism and mysoginy too

Then blamed your posts on an undiagnosed ND issue

Have you ever taken responsibility for your words or actions without blaming something or someone else?

Being a loving partner isn't about 3 course dinner and lots of sex. And it's certainly not about demanding a future you decided upon before you even met. You haven't got a clue what it means to be a loving partner, your only interest is yourself - not your hypothetical partner, not even your hypothetical kids. You would know that had you any real adult experience.

I have asked about the possibility of considering it. It happens, when it does, often because

a) the women earns more

b) she chooses to return to work

c) she agrees the man will stay home

Regardless of my 'experience of women', some women do do this. Therefore there is a possibility it could occur if circumstances permit.

You're a vet assistant. You're basically on minimum wage. You don't own your own house. You don't bring anything to a relationship except perhaps an ego big enough to smother your future partner with. Unless you retrain as a vet, you are never going to be able to 'finance' your future yourself (and even then you're looking at working for many years before you do). So, you are 100% relying on a woman to do it for you. So yes, you are a layabout.

Many women do not give up work until they have had children (which you don't have) or until they have progressed in their career. And women who do start out like you (grasping and desperate) do not find men willing to finance them, just as you will not find a woman who will finance you. Many women who do become SAHW or SAHM have worked for years before they give it up and it is a family decision, not made because they're lazy gits who CBA to work and think they can sponge off their partner.

It's always the ones shouting how feminist they are from the rooftops who have the deepest levels of misogyny. "I'm such a feminist, I support women's rights! Fancy a shag?" is the usual gist.

The men who actually support women's rights are the ones out there doing it and not expecting a round of applause every time they call out a sexist behaviour, putting an equal amount of effort into their marriages and relationships, and generally being decent humans.

This guy is comedy gold, I'll give him that.

You're still not listening or understanding op.

Yes you apologised....that's not the issue.

I'm making the point that by using those words and language in the first place it showed you don't really understand women. The fact that you've apologised doesn't mean you suddenly understand women.

I know and accept all of that! That isn't what I meant! I was referring to me verbally calling myself a loving husband, which you didn't seem to like? I didn't think it an unreasonable thing to verbally call yourself is all I'm saying

I mentioned earlier that my DH works with young people, many of whom are ND. The first thing he said when he read your OP was that ‘he sounds like he could be autistic’. There’s nothing wrong with that, and of course we can’t exactly say yay or nay, but I think there are some signs there. And I would be careful about talking about children online, in whatever context if you are male - that is unfortunately or fortunately how it works. Something well meaning could come across as a perceived risk.

Anyway, you’d like to be a SAHD. My original comment was stating that it’s only hypothetical right now. Until and if and when you are in a stable, loving relationship, and if and when you have a child or children, only then will you work out what to do. Most of the time both parents work because it’s too expensive to live these days.

As for the term "loving" partner or husband....no one in real life actually describes themselves that way even if they are.

I know I cannot finance that at the present time, hence why I am not trying to obtain that at the present time?

You do not know what my short and medium term plans are re retraining and earning more, and how much I plan to have and have saved away before any family decisions were made. Perhaps that is one of the misconceptions - it was always a long term plan, not a 'now' plan. Even I'm not that thick!

You’ve every right to be a SAHD. My DH would love that, and I’d happily be the main bread winner if possible. But it’s a pipe dream for us, along the lottery winning lines!

I think it depends on your circles, only on here am I aware of SAHP. I don’t know any in real life.

You can't call yourself something that you aren't. You aren't a husband, you aren't a father, you don't even manage a household of your own - you are a self proclaimed expert in all these things, none of which you have done.

This reminds me so much of a guy I used to know. Whenever he was asked what his future plans were for housing, he would say that he's waiting to meet a woman, then he'll eventually be moving in to her place..... 🤦‍♀️

OP, seriously, stop now.
I don’t think you have reflected at all, you are trying to say what you think people want to hear.
If you’re planning to stay on mumsnet (why does a single 26 year old man want to?) name change and deny all knowledge of this thread.

A thread which btw has been a masterclass in managing to have a dig at almost everybody except yourself!

Hey OP 🥱🥱🥱

I completely understand that, however there does seem to be a divide on here between:

a) those that believe a man can be a SAHD

b) those that believe a man wanting that is lazy, should be divorced and is infringing on women's rights if he wants that

There is contradiction with the message being put across here - it is either acceptable to women or it isn't!

"There is contradiction with the message being put across here - it is either acceptable to women or it isn't!"
Women are not a hive mind you know. We don't all have to agree. We're allowed independent thought now you know.

You haven't even met a woman yet. If you were serious about this and not expecting her to fund you, you would not be living off Mummy and Daddy's charity, sleeping in your childhood bedroom, and working in a minimum wage job at age 26.

What age do you plan on having kids? Because you'd better get a move on with the saving and career development that goes with it. Most women will be wanting to have kids in their late 20s to mid 30s (obviously there are outliers, but this is the general way). Unless you plan to be in your late 40s and marry a much younger woman? Are you one of those?

Because on a minimum wage job at age 26 with your current living set up, I can't see you earning and saving a pretty penny any time in the next 5 years. And don't forget finding a partner, and waiting for a while to see if you're compatible. Paying for a wedding will probably take a chunk of your current "savings", too. Moving out of your parents home even to rent, actually having to pay bills.

I’m literally saying it’s a great idea and my DH would go for it…..

Obviously men can be sahp as can women. But even I as a sahm would caution anyone, man or woman, to have that as their aim when they enter a relationship

And what do you bring to the table?

The vast majority of high earning, educated women, will be after a man of equal social footing.

I can probably put money on the fact you’ve never had a serious relationship, never mind done anything to attract this make believe woman you desire.

Your posts make you sound like an incel. That just because you have a penis, you should be entitled to this wonderful life, with high earning women queuing around the corner to have your children. My friend, the real world is going to be an awful shock to you.