I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

He’s an an assistant to a vet, he said upthread. If any of the actual vets are female, I bet he’s got his eye on them. I hope they have read this thread!

@Snugglemonkey this was a reply for you - my quote disappeared.

OP you are SO patronising. Can you go away now please?

Complete the bfing when home? What about the rest of the day? My (dairy allergic) 2 year old still feeds several times a day.

I believe that would be your problem to solve. Certainly not the responsibility of SAHD extraordinaire. You should be grateful he lets you do it at all.

She’s so lucky to have a man like the op map out her whole life for her. It doesn’t even mean having to take much care of her children or home. There’s some lucky woman out there who’s at the moment floating about in life, with nothing but high career aspirations, just waiting for the op to sweep her off her feet, sex her up and be a walking incubator for the op’s want of children.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

You are a fatasist pal. Where are the kids whilst you are being Nigella/Christian Grey? Lol

Good morning.

Yes, I'm still here.

I just wanted to come on here to apologise to everyone that I have offended, as the point of this post was never to offend, as hard as that may be to believe.

Having read through the majority of the thread and reflected overnight, perhaps my views and 'dreams' are clouded by inexperience and lack of exposure to the reality of parenting. Perhaps I may also be ND, and simply undiagnosed, who knows.

I have a huge amount of respect for both working and SAH parents in equal measure and value their contribution to the family as very even. The law sees it as so for a reason.

I personally know parents on both sides of the fence and adore them all, having seen what they all go through on a day to day basis! It will never be easy whatever you do, life never is.

I remember there was a post rather early on here that basically provided a 'template' for how I should have worded my question, and it was perfect. Perhaps my ND brain did not word it the way I should have done.

The question I really wanted to ask was,

In the future, should we want children, and it makes financial sense to do so, (because you out-earn me for example), if you were okay with it, would you consider letting me stay home with the children for a few years to help bring them up? I understand if you wouldn't want that and would rather stay home yourself, or if you would prefer us both to work, or even for us to both go part-time and share both home life and earning half and half, I would accept any of those choices. However, if the choice that made the most sense overall was for me to stay at home, would you be okay with that?"

How is that? That's all I want to know, all I ever wanted to ask, and if I was a more competent human I would have been able to ask that from the get-go and we would have saved a lot of headache and offence I have caused to anyone.

Perhaps I do need a therapist as I clearly have trouble communicating thoughts and ideas in my head into rational words and sentences in person, which clearly causes problems for me, particularly with issues relating to the heart.

I know I will never be able to convince you of this but I am the least sexist person you are ever likely to meet, I have always told other family members that women can work in construction if they choose to, that having a short haircut does not make them 'a man', nor does having a deeper voice, that pink is not a 'girl's colour', to name a few examples from my family. I have fought back against all of those and I will do so until my last breath. I am laughed at for having a season ticket to women's football and was called a 'poof' for dating a woman that was quite a bit taller than me - 'she'd eat you alive, mate!!'

I know I will never be able to regain the respect I have lost on here but I am more than willing to accept when I am wrong and to learn and become a much better person because of it. First day of the new me.

So your now blaming a non diagnosed ND on your actions and words?

Do men ever take responsibility? They can never just say they were wrong without finding an excuse as to why.

I don't think you're ND (not based on this anyway), don't try and use it as a get out of jail free card. You're just another arrogant, controlling, sexist man.

If you don't find a partner who wants to have children with you will you adopt?

Of course not. There would be no reward sex.

For Christ's sake stop digging.
Your family sound as deluded as you.

I had been told several times that I could potentially be ND, so I simply mentioned it as something to consider as to why I may be seen as 'socially inept'.

I have not used that as an excuse to shirk responsibility for what I had said, I was referring to myself and social ability personally.

I stated explicitly that I know I was wrong and have apologised multiple times for it - If you can't accept an apology, then what else can I do?

I think seeking therapy would be genuinely helpful for you @sussexcoast98 . Whether it’s to help you reevaluate your life or even look into possible neurodivergence. However

I know I will never be able to convince you of this but I am the least sexist person you are ever likely to meet, I have always told other family members that women can work in construction if they choose to, that having a short haircut does not make them 'a man', nor does having a deeper voice, that pink is not a 'girl's colour', to name a few examples from my family. I have fought back against all of those and I will do so until my last breath. I am laughed at for having a season ticket to women's football and was called a 'poof' for dating a woman that was quite a bit taller than me - 'she'd eat you alive, mate!!'

None of this means you don’t hold sexist or backwards views of women. Women don’t need your view or permission to be able to work in construction. The majority of women know that cutting their hair or not being feminine in the socially acceptable way doesn’t make them a man.

For every little thing you believe you’re ’fighting against’ (you’re not by the way), your posts here have all been about your wants and how you will use and tell a woman what to do in order for you to achieve your goals. At no single point have you even alluded to seeing women as individuals, you haven’t even been with one in 4 years, you (like many sexist men) just see women as side characters in your life story.

Why do think any of us need to accept your apology? You dug the hole, I don't care if you can get back out.

Edit: Sorry I misread your post! However this bit still sticks.

You can’t use it as a sudden revelation to you and retrospectively undo most of the things you’ve said here. You may now suspect you’re ND but you have a long long way to go before you can say that you actually are.

I wasn't giving them my 'permission' to do those things!

I was stating that they were examples of responses I had given to sexist pigs in my family, when for example:

a) A female friend of mine did construction work on our house and my brother didn't like that

b) When my sister was bullied at school for cutting her hair to a bob and my grandfather told her 'it does look a bit blokey'

c) when I had worn a pink t shirt and was told 'that's a bit girly isn't it?'

I'm not telling any woman what to do! How can you say that?

As you could see with my amended question, I was asking their permission if I could do something! How is asking permission being controlling?

Do you still live at home?

Because we are women and that's what women do

But he absolutely doesn't uphold mysoginistic views at all, not even a little bit

As I said, I certainly don't expect any of you to accept my apology, or even believe a word I am saying, however it is the least, and the only, thing that I can do to make amends in any way.

I know in my heart how wrong I was and how sorry I am for that, but you can only do so much over an online forum.

Oh go away your pathetic attentiion seeker. Find a male forum to moan to about your pink tshirt as if anyone cares.

Why the fuck does MN allow so many men on here in the guise of being kind?

I hope you don't mind me saying but the impression I get from you op, is that you say what you think women want to hear. Not saying that you're lying or you don't believe in equality....but the way you attempt to get it across makes it sound like you're very inexperienced at talking to women and just say things which you think will impress.

Can I ask? Do you describe yourself as a "nice guy"?

At the moment yes

A few even wept at the pure beauty of it all 🥹