I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

I also bet they don’t make up imaginary tales about fictional wives and babies and don’t get angry if people don’t clap at how amazing they are at living the said fictional life!

Definitely not. They're living life, not hanging around mumsnet comparing themselves to Rosa Parks and telling all the 'ladies' how good they are.

This whole thread is nonsense.

Agree. Why is it still here? 🙄

It's still here!

But I notice our friend, the OP, has not been back.

What a surprise.
I'll bet he won't be now posters have realised what his sad little game was.

I ended up being a SAHM because my son is disabled. I had a great career when I met DH and earned more than him. Also I had bought my own home which I kept and sold before buying our current house thus contributing hugely to our current house equity. Also I had my own monies via family.

However my son could not swallow when born and my DH had just started at a new firm. The following years were a nightmare of feeding tubes, fits and repeated hospital admissions. I was split in 2 trying to juggle our 2 year old daughter and the baby with no other family support. I had to farm out my daughter to nursery to look after my DS. He could not breast feed or have any liquid but needed a thickener pr else would drown. As a toddler at play group well meaning elderly woman would just hand him a drink not realise that they were going to drown him!

I had intended to prequalify as a tax consultant and was really enjoying the studies - then my books were untouched .

There were constant hospital appointments, SALT , OT , portage, child development clinics and paediatrics as well as neurologists. My life frankly was Hell. DH had to focus on his career and so I even had to go to those appointments on my own to be told bad news eg we might have to test for muscular dystrophy etc. He would suddenly fit for an hour at a time and have to be rushed to hospital for a Valium up bum situation.

As part of my life I had to do all his therapies eg his portage to get him to put 2 pieces of a jigsaw together or his SALT exercises. He needed lots more support on the playground etc. He remained anal incontinent until he was aged 10. He had severe glue ear at 50 to 70 dbl . As he started school he increasingly also had to be home schooled as he could not properly access the curriculum at school and was falling further behind m. I had to learn the syllabus and for instance how to teach synthetic phonics ( or whatever it was called). I also had to learn how they taught Maths eg multiplication , division which was different. Also I had to fight the school to get more support and know the SEN code really well. I even had to prepare and take his case to Tribunal. Throughout his secondary school education I also had to learn his curriculum and support him despite never having studied Science before. Finally when he did A Levels the support he received form me was such that I could have taken the exams.

On top of all that I did the laundry, cooked decent meals from scratch and also cared for a dying father who died at home.

To finance it all I sacrificed my own but of inherited money to help fund me staying at home and contribute to the family fund. I had already contributed more to the equity of our home. DH was free to concentrate on his career and stay at work late etc.

Now I’m trying to find a job but no one wants me. I don’t want to stay home and clean or cook. Even so my DH said what about DS as he still calls from life skills 7 or 8 times per day or needs support during holidays. I replied that I just need ‘ my time’.

Being a SAHM is a sacrifice and you only do it when the needs out balance the alternative or the kid will be in jeopardy eg not progress. It’s not an option before the child is born even. It comes out of circumstances whereby someone needs to care for excessive hours. Do you think I wanted to sacrifice earning potential and my own money? I certainly never expected to have to reflect on every time I bought myself a dress or trousers etc. it’s demeaning even if DH insists we have a joint account and I can buy what I want.

Your idyllic picture is insulting as my picture etched on my head was my DS with pants full of fecal overflow, pulling them down and the mess everywhere - asking my DD to fetch towels and clean clothes whilst trying to sluice him down in the shower. It was sticky and got everywhere and trying to bundle the clothes and clean the floor. The acerbic smell of fecal overflow ( that was a daily thing ) I cannot forget. Just cleaning his pants! Or the times I had to do the anti choke manoeuvre with my heart racing because he was choking on bread .

No one else was a SAHM - it’s a really lonely experience and looked down on. Women actually can’t wait to work and be independent.

My assessment was I had to be able to do to all: an educator, cleaner , cook and advocate etc. The last 2 decades were exhausting. On top of that I felt obliged to have a clean home and decent cooked meals. It was a very aging and exhausting experience.

I'm disgusted this thread is still here and I'm glad I'm not the only one. I know some people are unbelievably naive and some think it's a teachable moment but the OP didn't even try to hide his agenda.

So what you’re saying is that your desire to stay at home outweighs the baby getting fed?

I’d say “I’m sure you mean well” but I don’t even know if you do. Your tone is repulsive and you sound a bit narcissistic. There’s a reason people talk about “mother and baby” during pregnancy and childbirth. Fathers are third in line because ultimately you don’t have the same biology. Family is about compromise and when you’re third in line you have to accept you’ll be the one needing to compromise the most.

Not a single woman is going to agree to have a baby with you because she’ll be worried that you won’t compromise if something happens. What if she gets PND or just her hormones are all over the place and she can’t manage going back to work at all? Your solution is to say “sorry, you’ve pushed out my baby and had your 9 months, now fuck off back to work part time”? You sound like the sort of bloke who’d stick his fingers in his ears and say “lalala” because you’d “already decided” childcare years in advance.

I worked with a man who did exactly that to his wife during PND and he was absolutely vile. Ultimately they split and, big surprise, wife was made primary caregiver so he didn’t even get to live with his child.

There’s absolutely no point planning childcare for a non-existent wife and child now, and even when said non-existent wife is pregnant, you have to be fully prepared for it to change based on her wishes and the situation (which trump your wants).

HeySummerWhereAreYou · Yesterday 21:06
sussexcoast98 · Yesterday 21:01
So anything that strays from the path in any way is odd, or sinister?
If I came on here and said I make bombs for a hobby, I'd agree with you.
Saying I want to do the very hard graft of bringing up my child, (it is work I'm afraid), I've heard more sinister things if I'm honest😂
Show quote history
Still cringing for you. 😖

Now then Summer, you could at least sit up and take notice, be educated - he's just letting us know that child rearing is work, I'm afraid.
We should all take note, and remove our rose tinted glasses.

Very feminine style of writing OP - and yes, there is a masculine/feminine style, same as you can spot a letter from your Granny and one from your 13 year old.

It's almost like your mansplaining how to be a "proper" sahm.

I particularly enjoyed the earnest pleas about how you're not like other men then go on twice to mention the expectation of sex after you've cooked a dinner

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down

my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too!

What else do you do to ensure women are treated as equals?

Maybe OP could give you some 3 course meal ideas for you to prepare?

Your sentiment is lovely, but you’re living in cloud cuckoo land with the 3-course meal! My lot were lucky if they got homemade pasta sauce back in the day.
Being a stay at home parent is hard bloody work, esp when kids are under 4 so before school. Also your wife will need to be earning a lot to be a one-income family (we were for a few years but I’ve worked p/t since DC were school age).
You can still do your bit if you work, like change nappies/bath time routine/ clean/tidy/school run/cook at weekends or after work if you finish early. My dad was doing it for me way over 40 years ago (although he never cooked but he washed up). He did work f/t but had two shorter weekdays as he worked half day in a weekend, and my mum worked p/t. I grew up knowing men could do the housework and child rearing and my dh is also similarly house trained (and he can cook).

Takeaways cost money. They, and money, don't grow on trees I'm afraid!

This screams that the sahp should be cooking all meals at all times.

I think the real you is starting to peep through. You're no different or revolutionary are you?!

It's almost like your mansplaining how to be a "proper" sahm.

That was the true purpose of the thread. The OP loves the tradwife idea rather than what it means to be a SAHP.

What else do you do to ensure women are treated as equals?

Well he’s more than allowing her to go out to work, he’d be demanding it’s the case and it needs to be a job that pays a ‘male wage’ on top. What a golden opportunity, and what a catch he is for this.

And that's a description of a good day.

I remember DS having a blue cup he drank out of all day, every day. Absolute favourite cup. Had a pink octopus on it. Used for a good 12 months.

Gave him his morning milk in it as usual and he threw himself to the floor screaming and kicking and crying for a good 20 minutes to them eventually calm down and tell me the yellow cup was his favourite. I was late for work that day.

Because "heads turned" when people saw him interacting with a child and "people refused to attend parties and gatherings if he wasn't going to be there"

So we can add racism alongside mysoginy to your character traits.

I don’t want to challenge such an expert, but just one thing OP, women don’t ‘carry’ babies for 9 months, we aren’t shopping bags, we create them. Yes your contribution of ejaculating is a tiny part of the process and adds an ingredient, but it’s a woman’s body that creates the baby over 9 months and then births it into the world. You seem to use incredibly minimising language around this fact.

Reading this again, the wording is just so creepy.

A really left field idea but maybe you could even do what my husband and I do - both work full time and share all of the chores 50:50. Crazy talk I know.

Also threatening women with a life similar to those being oppressed by the Taliban is pretty telling - he’s resorted to threats as soon as some women disagreed with him.

I've been a stay at home mum for 14 years. My dh is military so he doesn't come home in the evenings. It's bloody hard work.

What if your wife wants to stay home?

I don't think you can go into it assuming anything.

And people say men aren't to be feared.

It's an anonymous forum. He could very well be one of those nice men that doesn't harm women in real life. He's someone's Nigel.

Only here for the comments but I nearly gave up after

"I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!"

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal

Am I the only one that thinks coming home to a 3 course meal after a day at work would be a pain in the arse? Can I not just eat some chips in front of the news?

I'm a sahm...I do make my dh dinner every night but if I presented him with a three course meal he'd think I'd lost the plot....

Most people can't be bothered with a shag and a 3 course meal after a long day at work. You are living in a fantasy.

At a vet? Doing what?

Lucky wife, out working all day then home for sexpectations each evening. 🙄