I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

Spot on!
And the bit about candle lit dinner after hard day at work shouts of fairytales

Very sexist post

Oh lord I've just noticed the username. Which bit of the Sussex coast?

Is it Brighton? This feels like a very Brighton thing to write.

I’ve known a couple of lovely not quite SAHDs who’ve been the majority carer for their kids, but just like I don’t know any 100% SAHMs I don’t know any 100% SAHDs

get ready for some shitty paid jobs that fit in with childcare/school hours that you can drop whenever they are ill. Money is always tight and you can’t deprive your kids because of your own wonderful dream.

also you must be an ‘inspiration’ for your kids whilst doing all the boring stuff.

And who is paying for the activities and food???
Not you on a vet assistant job?

Probably searching on Reddit for more arguments to use.

I'm off to get a shower. I'm betting it'll either be silence from him now or some weird "facts" he's dredged up from the deepest depths of the Internet.

I’ll (very briefly) humour you.

In theory, I have no issue with either parent being a SAHP while the other works.

It is very likely that at some point in the next 3-5 years someone in my house will quit work, and it will be my partner, as I said earlier.

The reasons are:

• He’s not mine. I’m the (very) proud step parent of a learning disabled 7 year old. Because he’s not mine, he has a stronger bond with his dad, obviously. It should be his dad.

• We are very fortunate that my partners parents help with the childcare “load,” so we both work. They’re not going to be around, or even physically able to do that forever. Someone will need to change their availability.

• I earn more, and have a more “career based” job. My potential for future earnings is higher. If anyone has to financially contribute to the lifestyle change we’ll need to make, it should be me.

• Because of his needs, he’s VERY demanding. He needs eyes on him literally all of the time. When that time comes, nobody will be cooking anyone a 3 course meal, and sex will be as available as it is now. We will be as tired. Which is very.

We have established those things over some very long, very detailed conversations, over a long period of time. They’ve been ironed out, and then looked at again to make sure they make sense. In a relationship and life that already exists.

Your idea that men raise their kids isn’t weird, it isn’t alien, and you don’t need a round of applause for it. But it’s currently imaginary and your future partner may not agree with it.

And in the harsh reality that bringing a child up sometimes IS, some of your ideas about how it works are nuts. In reality, it’s not play dates and dinners by candle light - it’s rushed cups of tea and early nights.

Thankyou for ' informing ' me. Your bullet points may be too late to mansplain to me as I already have 6 children and 8 grandchildren.

I'd rather structure the family so that we both work part time long term.

1 year maternity (and working partner does 4 days) 1 year paternity (do a career break). Then both do four days a week and share the shit-work of young children. Continue until they are 18.

Both people keep their careers and it will be fairer in the long term.

Personally, it’s important to me for my DH to have ambition but is it just his job to provide for our children? No, it’s my job too. I’m proud to provide for our children and myself.

Yep, I work too, in fact I am the higher earner. I meant that I expect my husband to support financially too

He's tenacious, I'll give him that. It's the only thing mind.

OP, as has been REPEATEDLY mentioned but somehow not addressed by you in your gazillions of posts, you come across as creepy because you've referenced sex twice in your very first post, which alongside the "gentle guy", "I love kids", "I'm super feminist stuff" is just... odd. Why is it there? Also the overtly sexist stuff and references to "your lady". The SAHD thing IS NOT THE PROBLEM. It's that other stuff. Why do you keep saying we're calling you creepy for wanting to be a SAHD? We're not. We're calling you creepy because of the above! As someone supposedly so in tune with feminist thinking, how is this not obvious to you?

Fair enough. I'm the higher earner too.

Oh my goodness! We both work FT but I am very happy to be the main earner and I am horrified that you think women want men to "step up and be a provider". I do not know anyone with this view.

You lost me at "hopefully snuggles, snogging and sex", this should have no bearing on you wanting to be the STAP. It sounds like you want to be rewarded for doing what a lot of women, and some men, do. That shouldn't even enter the equation if you're serious. No matter how hands on you are, your wife doesn't owe you sex because you're the stay at home parent. She has carried and birthed the children and no matter how hands on you are, her hormones and exhaustion might disagree with your entitlement. You're forgetting the immense pressure of being the sole financial provider in the family, as well as being a mother.

I'm not saying this situation can't work, but you seem completely oblivious as to the realities of a one working parent household, you need to take off your rose tinted glasses pronto.

Jesus wept.
You said you had a dream in your head and that's exactly what it is, a big pipedream.
You are totally clueless about women and life it seems.
Your comparison to Rosa Parks is hugely offensive and makes zero sense in the context of your rambling post.
How your post is still up astounds me.

You apologised for the Rosa Parks reference literally once. And once more acknowledged it was a mistake, but didn't actually apologise. Are you not very good at counting?

I think you have romantised the idea of the sahp. You will very unlikely have the time or energy to cook a 3 course meal "for your lady". If you can manage a curry or something in the slow cooker that is a good day.

It's mumsnet, they seem to hold the door open for these men to come in. It puts a lot of women off posting so I'd like to see mumsnet do more to get rid of these types of men.

Thinking of my son and nephews in their 20s, they do not refer to a women as ladies.

I also bet they don’t make up imaginary tales about fictional wives and babies and don’t get angry if people don’t clap at how amazing they are at living the said fictional life!

This whole thread is nonsense.