Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'd like to be a SAHD...

951 replies

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:19

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

OP posts:
sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:31

Sharkattack1888 · 18/09/2024 22:27

I will spell it out.
You provide for your partner and family , as in get a job
BECAUSE
She is the one who will be pregnant, birthing, breastfeeding
And of course a woman is not unfeminine if she is a high achiever. I am a high achiever and a mum of 6. Guess what, I was a SAHM out earning my partner. He still had a job though!!!

Some parents are okay with one or both staying at home, others aren't. But if the woman already has a job that brings in a lot of money and keeps it, then it makes a lot of sense for the father to stay at home to save on childcare costs and have their child grow up with a parent rather than a stranger! the father would still be pulling their weight and then some! Looking after the family is still providing!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/09/2024 22:32

When I clicked on this the first time (before my much earlier reply) I thought this was going to be a SAHM wanting to have the life of a SAHD instead - they do seem to be very different in terms of both appreciation and actual demands from what I’ve read on here over the years…

SAHDs on here seem to get loads of appreciation without having to shoulder anything like half as much as the majority of SAHMs - and their partners seem to be grateful to them!

Edit - I mean SAHDs you read about on here seem to have lots of appreciation in the wider world, not that they get appreciation on here!

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:33

GiddyRobin · 18/09/2024 22:27

I thought you worked as a vet assistant? Have you been taking a chunk out of those wages for the future? Are you looking to progress this career so that you have a nest egg? I'd love to hear all about that. It's your dream, so I assume you've been budgeting for it?

Of course I put some aside every month! That goes without saying😂

OP posts:
Sharkattack1888 · 18/09/2024 22:33

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:03

I'll be sure to tell every ambitious, successful and high-earning woman I meet that they are creepy or maybe lesbian??? Men want women to stay home and live an Afghan life😴

It's not creepy for woman to conceive and birth children though us it??? They live inside us for 9 months!!! It's a miracle with women. Nothing creepy to be seen .
I think you know this, your remarks are becoming a bit silly really

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/09/2024 22:34

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:31

Some parents are okay with one or both staying at home, others aren't. But if the woman already has a job that brings in a lot of money and keeps it, then it makes a lot of sense for the father to stay at home to save on childcare costs and have their child grow up with a parent rather than a stranger! the father would still be pulling their weight and then some! Looking after the family is still providing!

This is true but you do need to wait and see how things are between you and the woman you choose to marry / chooses to marry you before making a plan, ie what jobs you each have, what he childcare options are etc

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:36

Sharkattack1888 · 18/09/2024 22:33

It's not creepy for woman to conceive and birth children though us it??? They live inside us for 9 months!!! It's a miracle with women. Nothing creepy to be seen .
I think you know this, your remarks are becoming a bit silly really

But you believe an involved father is creepy 😴

OP posts:
ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 18/09/2024 22:37

Goodness me. Whilst I absolutely agree that OP has come across as a twat/chauvinist/slightly clueless, I do also think he's had an unfair pasting.

My own DC were bottle refusers, but I was a SAHM so never pushed it too hard. They might have accepted a bottle eventually.

I know a few SAHDs. They aren't lazy, less than or not providing for their families. Anymore than a SAHM is any of those things.

I wouldn't necessarily find a man wanting to be a SAHD a turnoff, but it probably wouldn't work for me as I would also want to be a SAHM. I guess I'd be up for discussing the possibility of both working around each other and both having time at home with the DC, but I'd have to be 100% certain that he would take his fair share at night waking/admin/cleaning etc. Not expecting me to do all of that as well as working.

I did work with a couple a few years ago who worked around each other and looked after their DC without needing any childcare. But they were extremely lucky. We worked in a care home, they were on opposite shifts and lived within walking distance of the home. There was a 15 min cross over of shifts in the middle of the day and they were lucky that their son was allowed to, and happy to, sit in the lobby with a drink and a biscuit in the holidays.

Oh and I know loads of people who's main goal in life is to be a SAHM.

Sharkattack1888 · 18/09/2024 22:38

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/09/2024 22:04

Except we’re not all the same.

I don’t want a man to “provide” for me. Yuck.

You would be proud of a man who had no ambition? Who did not provide for the children? Wow

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:39

Sharkattack1888 · 18/09/2024 22:38

You would be proud of a man who had no ambition? Who did not provide for the children? Wow

Providing childcare, love, affection, activities, discipline, food, encouragement?

That's quite a lot of provision if you ask me

OP posts:
GiddyRobin · 18/09/2024 22:40

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:33

Of course I put some aside every month! That goes without saying😂

And you're going to have a decent amount of money to go into purchasing a house, or to put aside for the rainy days if your future partner is unwell and can't work? For family holidays? For childcare should you and your partner want child-free time? For a cot? A pram? Will it be enough to cover any of those things, or are you expecting your partner to agree to pay for everything with her own wage?

As this is your dream, I'm assuming you're making sure that you can fund it properly.

SleeplessInWherever · 18/09/2024 22:40

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:39

Providing childcare, love, affection, activities, discipline, food, encouragement?

That's quite a lot of provision if you ask me

I don’t know whether you realise this yet, but that’s not all parenting is.

We don’t just shower kids with love and discipline, make them food and then trot off happily to bed. As much as that sounds lovely!

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:41

SleeplessInWherever · 18/09/2024 22:40

I don’t know whether you realise this yet, but that’s not all parenting is.

We don’t just shower kids with love and discipline, make them food and then trot off happily to bed. As much as that sounds lovely!

I know that, of course, I was just informing the poster that parenting is most certainly provision that equates to the fiscal...

OP posts:
sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:42

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:41

I know that, of course, I was just informing the poster that parenting is most certainly provision that equates to the fiscal...

I was giving a few generic 'bullet points'

OP posts:
Lourdes12 · 18/09/2024 22:42

What if she wants to breastfeed your children on demand until they are 3?

OrangeTeabags · 18/09/2024 22:44

Can we stop feeding him now?

The OP came on here with an anti-woman agenda.

By pretending he wants to be a SAHD he is actually criticising women who choose to be or end up as SAHM.

He is doing this by encouraging women to criticise his fake "choices" and then turning this back on them.

It's very obvious and it's quite pathetic.

I notice you don't reply to any of my posts OP - because you know i'm on to you.
Feeling a bit bored tonight were you?
Or do you have a particular axe to grind regarding SAHMs?

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:44

Lourdes12 · 18/09/2024 22:42

What if she wants to breastfeed your children on demand until they are 3?

Well, it would need to be something to discuss to see if it is feasible financially, and also how it would line up to what we had already agreed re childcare arrangements

OP posts:
SleeplessInWherever · 18/09/2024 22:45

Lourdes12 · 18/09/2024 22:42

What if she wants to breastfeed your children on demand until they are 3?

Might take them to her office on the fully funded days out they’re going on, special treat?

lolly792 · 18/09/2024 22:45

What if your partner doesn't want to be sole earner? I wouldn't want that responsibility so I never expected it of my dh. We both worked and both did equal shares in the home and with the kids.

Deciding years in advance that you want to be a SAHD with your partner providing for you is every bit as presumptuous as a woman deciding she must find a guy willing to be sole earner so she gets to be a SAHM!

Having a SAHP only works when it's something both parents are really comfortable with. And of course then it doesn't matter which parents stays home - though it would be good for society to see more dads doing it I suppose.

But honestly this is a bit weird to be planning so meticulously in advance!

Sharkattack1888 · 18/09/2024 22:46

Uol2022 · 18/09/2024 22:30

Tbf, if it’s okay for women to want a man to step up and be a provider then surely it’s got to be okay for a man to want a woman to give him babies (or otherwise fulfil gendered stereotypes)? And saying he gets to be a dad after he’s fulfilled his main role of providing sounds a lot like saying she gets to have a career after she’s fulfilled her main role of being the main carer. Why be so restrictive?

some women are only interested in men who fill the provider role. some men are only interested in women who fill the main carer role. But, thank the Lord, we are not all the same!

Edited

I do think MOST women would be resentful, disappointed etc if they did all the hard work of bringing babies into the world and their partner was not providing.
If I was giving birth to my 6 children and my husband could not even be bothered to run the farm and make money then yes. I would be thinking he was a failure.

GiddyRobin · 18/09/2024 22:46

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:44

Well, it would need to be something to discuss to see if it is feasible financially, and also how it would line up to what we had already agreed re childcare arrangements

Actually, OP, it wouldn't need to be discussed. It would have nothing to do with you. It's a woman's right to breastfeed her own child.

But I think you know that. Your mask is slipping.

SleeplessInWherever · 18/09/2024 22:47

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:44

Well, it would need to be something to discuss to see if it is feasible financially, and also how it would line up to what we had already agreed re childcare arrangements

It wouldn’t. If a mother wants to breast feed their child, who’s staying at home wouldn’t be up for debate.

Sharkattack1888 · 18/09/2024 22:49

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 22:13

What 'female' rights am I asking for that I can not 'achieve', do you mind me asking? The right to reproduce?😂

If u really can't see how u are coming across to women, then, sorry I can't keep doing it. I am beginning to think you are an incel or MRA and it's been fun reading your fantasy but it's getting a bit boring.

Sharkattack1888 · 18/09/2024 22:50

To all the actual mum's at home, breastfeeding, tired, and rushed off your feet.
I salute you 🙏

GiddyRobin · 18/09/2024 22:51

OrangeTeabags · 18/09/2024 22:44

Can we stop feeding him now?

The OP came on here with an anti-woman agenda.

By pretending he wants to be a SAHD he is actually criticising women who choose to be or end up as SAHM.

He is doing this by encouraging women to criticise his fake "choices" and then turning this back on them.

It's very obvious and it's quite pathetic.

I notice you don't reply to any of my posts OP - because you know i'm on to you.
Feeling a bit bored tonight were you?
Or do you have a particular axe to grind regarding SAHMs?

Agreed. He's losing his edge as he goes along, and it's becoming very obvious. As always.

WalkingonWheels · 18/09/2024 22:52

Hard-drive checking vibes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread