I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

Funny how in the opening post being a sahp was all 'nice evenings' and 'simple, common sense' but now suddenly it's referred to as hard graft. The tune seems to have changed there.

All those things would be learnt about in the same way a mother or any parent would - if it was your dream you'd have all the support in the world from people

"Why can't you breastfeed?? You want to be equal. Oh of course, you can't. That's why baby might need its mum, instead of you bleating on about fairness. "@Sharkattack1888 exactly! I've given up trying to explain it to the op now

Unattractive, that you are a man who's first instinct is not to provide for your family. You wanted female insight. Females want a man to step up and be a provider!! You still get to be a dad , just do the providing bit first.
Not sure if this is a joke as you come across as creepy or maybe gay??? And wanting a woman to give you babies🤔

The SAHM I know spent a lot of time researching and learning. As did I to prepare for maternity leave. You're essentially saying that your career is going to be childrearing - would you go into paid employment without doing the adequate research? A lot is learning on the job, but you've got to put in some time beforehand too.

And in what imaginary world is this "dream" being supported? By who? Do you think SAHMs are being applauded by people wherever they go?

Admit it, OP. You haven't got the foggiest idea about bringing up a child. You've not even looked it up.

It's weird that the idea of parenthood appeals to you, even if you are naive to it at first? I'd say that's how all people that want to be a parent start out! You go onto a parenting website to put the idea forward and that is weird? I'd find it weird if I posted it on a rock climbing forum, sure!
'Fictitious babies'?? It is discussing the idea of a potential lifestyle choice that may or may not happen. How on earth would you find out about it if you didn't put suggestions forward?

How do you think mothers learn these things?
And given that you admittedly know nothing, why do you think you'd be any use as a SAHD? Based on what?

Yes it is and I’m fine with that

Yes, I did read what you said was the reason why you and your girlfriend split up.

You also said you told her about your little stay at home dad fantasy, and then whoooosh! She was gone. I am willing to bet she ran (away from you,) faster than Usain Bolt -when she heard what you said.

Just a guess, perhaps the creepiness comes from the fact that in a post supposedly about your dreams to be a stay at home parent you somehow brought up sex, not once but twice.

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHD. I know a couple, and also the majority of Dads in my friendship group have taken shared parental leave/extended paternity leave. In your first post you said that
'the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that!' which isn't true. Of course a lot of people come on Mumsnet to complain and not to chat about their amazing husbands&fathers of their children, but it's not an accurate representation of parenthood. Being a hands-on Dad is not unusual.

I've been a SAHM for 2 years...not something I ever imagined I'd do! But having children changed my view of my career and priorities, and luckily I had the opportunity to be a SAHM. My advice would be to keep an open mind, no one ever knows how they really feel until they have children.

It's all very odd indeed isn't it?

Looking after the children and home is not providing for your family? Are you saying that women that do so are not pulling their weight in a relationship then?

Just because work is not paid, it does not mean that is not work or provision. The woman/child's life would be very different if it was not done.

By your admission, is an ambitious woman that wants to earn well unattractive and unfeminine then?

You believe that all 8.5 thousand million members of our species do, and indeed should, want exactly the same thing and to behave exactly the same way?

Really? Two years later? Why not then and there, when she had no reason not to?😂

I expect in most situations the decision for one person to be a SAHP is dependent on their situation. No I don’t think there are a lot of women looking for a man who aspires to be a SAHD.

Have you ever had a girlfriend OP?

It sounds like your family members did the typical blowing smoke up a guys arse if they show an interest in a kid, hail him a hero and pretend he's remarkable.
You've lapped it up.

No one wants to be a surrogate for someone who can't wait for them to get out the way so he can have the kid to himself.
Pregnancy, childbirth and the hormones that follow take so much from you and put you through so much, I just don't think I'd put myself through that in a situation where my fucking off out of the way was being engineered before I'd even met the prick.

Women who have given birth in recent years do have a separation anxiety when they are separated from their toddlers. I know I did, and many of my friends too.
It's hormone driven and it's very hard on them, I wonder if your wife would even be able to share that info with you if she was feeling that, since you've decided being a father and a mother are equivalent as soon a statutory maternity leave is done. I don't think you'd be great emotional support for the mother of a baby/ toddler.

I'll be sure to tell every ambitious, successful and high-earning woman I meet that they are creepy or maybe lesbian??? Men want women to stay home and live an Afghan life😴

Two years or two months or two days, she still didn't stay eh?

@HeySummerWhereAreYou didn't he say he broke up because of something to do with him doing his hobbies? The op doesn't realise the irony of this. Hobbies / time to yourself and young kids don't really go hand in hand...

What? 😆

Except we’re not all the same.

I don’t want a man to “provide” for me. Yuck.

Well yeah exactly.

Come on Mumsnet, time to delete another ChatGPT generated fantasist wanting women to help him love out his fantasies.

Because of his "hobbies", apparently. Shall we have a wager? I'm putting gaming up for 50 gold coins. Next painting figurines - 40. Maybe golf?

Crikey OP, this is something you fall into, not plan in advance!
I'm trying to think of any posts where a new Mum just wants to look after the baby, keep house and cook a lovely meal - the idea made me laugh.
Maybe women do find it harder to cope as they're the ones who've given birth and are more emotionally attached to their baby. Men and women are different for lots of different reasons. No amount of 'equality awareness' is going to change that. A woman's maternal instincts are different to a man's paternal ones. Quite simply, you're not auto programmed due to lack of pregnancy hormones etc. This is not to say that men can't be great Dads or even be the primary carer. But until men can give birth, then there always be that divide in natural roles.
But it's great that you don't think it's too emasculating for you.