I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

I agree with this.

And whilst a family’s personal choice post having children about the best way forward in raising them is completely their choice, these days not many would actively encourage being a stay at home parent - especially if you’re a woman and more so longterm. It’s the option of the 1% (very generally speaking), to have a comfortable lifestyle these days with only one adult bringing in a wage. The other becomes very dependent, if anything happens (job loss, divorce, death), you can be absolutely fucked.

If a woman came on MN and said it’s her life ambition to be a SAHP, I’d only say ‘do it if you’re financially stable independently’. You have an inheritance or huge amount of savings? Crack on. You’re relying on your husbands job completely? Nope. Don’t do it. Have some semblance of an independent life outside of raising a family for your own sake, because once you’re stuck in it as much as you adore the bones of your children, you do not want to risk looking back and see just how much of yourself you’ve lost. Being a SAHP is a huge decision to make, not one to be taken lightly at all.

You know how at school, kids go to work experience days and see posters and they may perhaps have people from that industry come and and talk to them about what it is like? They are all things that help them decide what they want to do.

Some people, when out and about, may see families playing together in a park or on a beach, parents pushing a buggy around and having a loving time with their child, and think to themselves 'oh, are they a SAHM/D?' 'That looks really sweet, I'd love to spend a few years bringing my child up if possible, I really like the idea of doing the childcare and child raising, I have a gentle personality that would work well with bringing up children'

They may not need to be in a relationship to think 'I'd love to have a child/ren of my own' and 'I'd love to bring them up if I can, very hard work, but I know it'd be rewarding'.

It's not that I'm not enjoying life, but I'm fully entitled to have ideas and wishes for later in my life if the situation permitted it.

Re the very concerning person in an above post saying I was 'something else' for being a male individual that wants to bring up MY children if I had them, take it you have that 'suspicious' view of all men that dare to be stay at home parents?

Very tempted to report based on that post alone.

No issues at all with SAHDs. Lots of issues with men that come across like you OP, and there's been lots of them lately, always the same, very wordy, mansplaining, present themselves as the good guy but come across as anything but the good guy. 🚩

Nailed it in one.

THIS bit in particular made me PMSL! 😆

I have always babysat and looked after young family members and every last one of them have said what a natural I was and how I had a calling for it - heads literally turned in the room when they saw the way I interacted with a child I barely knew, and how they responded to me. A few times they refused to go to family gatherings if I wasn't there!

Yes, there are just way too many men on here at the moment either mansplaining, being rude or trying to pick fights.
It's getting very tedious.

No, it’s about your tone and directness, your very literal way of looking at things. Has no one ever suggested autistic traits to you before? I’m not saying you are, because it’s also not polite so suggest someone with highly old fashioned of being a SAHP is possible neurodivergent. Maybe you’re parents were also very.. traditional and it’s rubbed off on you as social awkwardness and inability to make connections with women?

My thoughts exactly! 😆

OP your post is actually quite sexist "Don't worry ladies, I 'a man' will fix this oppression" and acting as though you deserve a medal for it "I will be like Rosa Parks"

It's belittling to what Rosa Parks achieved, and your whole perspective is weirdly sexist and mysogonytistic. Most men of your generation do equal parenting now - I personally don't know any young Dads who don't.

And why do you think you deserve so much praise for this? You'd never see a woman post something like this - even if she was subverting historical gender norms by getting senior at work.

I think you need to have a think about your own views about women and men and what you consider normal.

It's very normal now for Dads to do 50% or more of childcare and household tasks - my DH does more than 50%. He's not so arrogant to compare himself to Rosa Parks though... Your thoughts around this are bizarre

Yes to this! ^

Brilliant post. 100% agree!

Oh wow revolutionary- best tell my dad who stayed home with me in the 1980s! And could cook, clean, sew, bake!

Still here, thought it might have been deleted.

Me too @vodkaredbullgirl

Can you elaborate please?

If you asked your husband if he enjoyed being a parent and he told you 'yes, I love it, love bringing the kids up and having fun, love seeing them develop and grow, it's such hard work but rewarding'

or conversely if you asked a male childcare worker the same thing and they gave you a similar response, would you dislike that too?

Do you want me to come across as 'standoffish' then? If someone enjoys looking after children and helping them develop, or wants to do so after seeing someone else do it, how else can they word that?😂

So you have never had an adult relationship then?

This thread is so embarass for you. Get off mumsnet, go and find some friends and get a life!

Why can't you breastfeed?? You want to be equal. Oh of course, you can't. That's why baby might need it's mum, instead of you bleating on about fairness.

What do you mean when you say "helping them develop"? What does that look like to you? What are you envisioning?

Same as when a mum has to go back to work, or can’t breastfeed. You try a different bottle teat and different techniques until it works, I imagine.

Well, the same as a SAHM would do, all the childcare and house bits from the time my wife goes back to work until a few years after they start school - the general pattern for SAHPS. What is so different here?

I’m not the poster you are addressing but the facts are these :

You don’t have any children of your own and do not work with children, so yes, it’s very weird that you are on mumsnet making a thread about fictitious babies. Even if you were a woman your whole thread would be weird.
You have a bee in your bonnet about something that is completely in your head.
You are a fantasist.

Well, I'm not sure you seem to have the foggiest clue what it actually means. I don't think you have any idea what 24/7 childcare is.

Yes, I'd be interested in hearing more about this, too, OP.

Can you tell us what you know about children's sleep, diet, emotional regulation and skills, different learning techniques, different parenting styles? Have you considered what you would do if the child in question had SEN needs? Allergies? A physical disability?

Have you considered that any future partner might have different opinions on these things? What would happen if your partner became unwell and couldn't work - I assume you'd be willing to give up your "dream" and go back to working as a vet assistant?

Obviously, if being a SAHD is a lifelong dream, you've spent some time thinking and researching these topics.

@sussexcoast98 · Today 19:43

To put this to bed once and for all, I have had one girlfriend in my life when I was 19, until I was 22 (so none for four years now). I did mention the idea about this to her, which she thought was sweet.

She thought it was 'sweet' but then you split up?! #awkward (I will bet my house that she dumped you!)

Was her name Rachel or Ingrid by any chance? 👀

So are you saying it's 'creepy' because I want to be a stay at home parent and am naive to the hard work of it? How on earth is that creepy?

Some women want to be SAHMS before ever having kids, and sometimes being naive to it in the same way, but they are not called creepy?

Did you read the reason why? If not then don't worry. It's there.😂