I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

@SouthLondonMum22 he doesn't mean that because he was trying to answer my question on babies who won't take bottles.

Assuming it didn't take a bottle, I mean?

I have to say I have never known one single woman EVER whose life ambition is to be a full time stay at home mummy and wifey. It's fucking weird. Yes of course many women do it, but it's not the only thing they want out of life - ever. (Like you seem to be implying YOU want!) And a man saying this would slam my fanny shut instantly, and have me running for the hills!

As I said, good luck finding a woman who is going to be attracted to you and what you want!

One thing is for sure, you have NO idea what life is like as a stay at home parent. You have some weird fantasy Disney shit in your head. It's embarrassing!

And the Rosa Parks reference is disgusting and shameful. You should apologise for that! If you haven't already. I genuinely CBA to read all of your posts! Nearly 80 right now!

.

To add, I'm not against men being stay at home dads. It worked well for friends of ours. He did say creepy stuff though.

Indeed! So if you're a working parent and your baby will only feed by breast, what would you do?

I really think you should go out and enjoy your life. You're 26. Stop talking to random women on the internet about how you're going to feed this fictitious baby and go out and experience life.

I suppose that would depend how long mum would take for maternity leave. If she’s off for a year then baby wouldn’t need to be breastfed all of the time anyway.

outhLondonMum22 · Today 20:43
gardenmusic · Today 20:42
In which case, she can complete the BF'ing when home and I can do other household tasks whilst she is doing that..?
Have I missed something?Are you suggesting that a baby who will only be breast fed waits for Mum to get home to be fed?
Of course he isn’t. He obviously means that baby can be fed with a bottle when mum isn’t there.

What the baby who will ONLY BE BREAST FED?

Huh? Lots of non-ideal situations are allowed to happen, and so they should, because life isn't ideal and often we just have to work out what's best for our own family situation.
I was simply taking issue with your statement that, apart from physiological differences, fathers can perform the exact same role as mothers. This is just not true.

You need to go outside and meet people OP. You are creating a romantic picture of what a SAHP actually is about. You got it all worked up in your head but there are no real people in your story: no gf no children. Leave your thoughts for a while and go out to live your life. Things never turn out the way you plan them and you are very young and have limited experience relationshipwise. If you love children and have a natural talent as your family has said why don't you pursue a career working with children ? Rather than planning to impregnate someone to be a SAHP...

I misread initially. My mistake.

You don't have to read any of them, don't be silly!

I have apologised for the Parks reference more times than I can mention.

Seldom, but SOME women do aspire to be a full time mother. Some men can as well, it isn't unattractive at all.

Nothing unattractive about wanting to be a parent I'm afraid - you wouldn't tell your female friend that if she told you so.

The three course meal thing may have been a pipe dream but certainly not embarrassing - we can all fantasise at times!

I don't think anyone would phrase it like that, but I have met successful, educated women who have told me that, should they end up getting married and having a family, they would happily quit their job to be a SAHM. My friend just did a PhD in engineering - she loves it but maintains that she'd also happily drop it to stay home once she has children. Apparently her mum stayed at home and she felt she really benefited from it and would like to provide the same for her children.

We both work part time (I do three normal days, he does four compressed into three), we’re actuaries. More and more roles are becoming more family friendly.

What people find attractive and unattractive is purely subjective.

I read it on here all of the time.

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

Ive had a rubbish day at work and this thread is exactly the tonic I need. I was creased laughing reading, particularly this bit here ^ I adore that you’re comparing yourself to Rosa Parks, sorry, ‘Rosa Parks’ and you think YOU are going to be the one to change society’s perception. Do you truly not realise many, many, many other men are SAHP? Do you really believe you’d be the first one? Bloody hell.

I think you were expecting all the women of mumsnet to swoon over your post and think you’re so fantastic, but you come across SO clueless. You don’t have a girlfriend let alone a baby yet. Are you in a financial position to just give up work once you meet someone? God there’s just so much to unpick.

Well in the UK most mothers are able to take sufficient maternity leave that the first 6m of exclusive milk intake can be breastfeeding from the mum while she’s off work, and then beyond that either the mum remains off work for another 6m or they return to work and use formula/express and whoever is caring for their baby feeds them that. If they go beck to work at 1y and are continuing to BF then what we did was I fed before I left for work and at pick up and again at bed time, baby ate well and drank cows milk from a sippy cup during the day.

However I’d hope that if you did want to be a SAHD it wouldn’t be during those early months especially if your wife is wishing to BF, you’re adding an unnecessary hurdle. Take the babies 2nd year off, if you’re so inclined, and then perhaps both adjust working patterns to spend time with the wee one and avoid full time nursery fees if possible.

But I don’t think you came on here looking for opinions or advice, I think you assumed we’d all be fawning and grateful a man wants to partake in child rearing. It’s not revolutionary!

He realised how much hard work was involved in babies and how little rest he’d get. Like you I think he thought he’d be swanning about living a life of leisure with some odd fetishistic idea of making meals when I’d stroll in from work etc 😂 He soon learned.

He had the responsibility whether he was main carer or not. Wasn’t about not wanting responsibility he just didn’t realise how hard babies are - and we had a very easy first child.

He has been a fantastic and very involved dad ever since but he realised how naive and inexperienced he’d been when he’d offered to be the sahd. You’ll learn. Listen to the experts here.

Quite. There is something very off about this but then there so often is when certain sorts of men post here.

Nothing unattractive about wanting to be a parent I'm afraid -

There is when it's a man desperate to be a stay at home husband and daddy, and that is his ambition in life I'm afraid.

And who wants to 'cuddle' and snog and shag his hard working wife after dinner.

VOM! 😖

Mate, you're deluded.

Rule 1 of parenting SAHD or not....don't call the baby it!

I don’t disagree, but if you have children with those hours you still need to find childcare. You also need to have specific work qualifications to reach the level of adequate part time wage + manage compressed hours. It’s not a ‘and one parent will always be at home with the children and keeping house/making big dinners’ situation that the op is clearly delusional about. He wants a situation that fully benefits his idea of raising a family and doesn’t see that compromises on his side will have to be made for a realistic set up and moderately comfortable lifestyle. Three course dinners don’t come cheap.

Jesus Christ

We couldn't have one place could we, not even one place, without men infiltrating it with their nonsense.
I don't care what anyone thinks of me saying it but I hate that there are so many men on Mumsnet these days, just hate it.

This thread seems particularly irritating although tbh I can't be bothered reading it all.