I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

what is 'put earnt'??

Work your socks off, get some really good work experience behind you. Save as much as you can.

you could then consider being a SAHD for the early years but I really wouldn’t recommend it long term.

you need your financial security, also looking after children day in day out for years is really boring!

When mine were tiny, by the time my partner came home from work he was fed whatever I’d bunged in the oven (would be lucky if it wasn’t a frozen pizza half the time), he’d fall asleep taking the toddler to bed whilst I was zombied in front of Netflix with the baby attached to me. If he was asking where his 3 course meal was, I’d have laughed hysterically in his face. Our second born was not a sleeper, I nearly had a breakdown 🙃.

Same.

Our daughter (only child) is SEN.

I had to go part time out of necessity, before having to drop work for good for the past two years. Now I'm working again, we've had to juggle working hours. He works 4 on, 4 off night shifts and I work a Bank full time role.

It means at least one of us is always here, but it isn't great as he needs to sleep too.

OP is not understanding that its not about what the individual wants once a child enters the picture.

Unlike many here, I have no issue with SAHD's and think there's no difference in the ability if a man or a woman to do that 'job'. My husband took very extended paternity leave, and for various reasons, pandemic etc has been around more than a lot of men. He's more than capable of looking after small children whilst juggling cooking and chores.

I'm going to put your unrealistic expectations of life as a SAHD down to inexperience rather than malice. I'm NOT one of those people that think looking after kids is harder than work, though it can be on a given day. There's no candlelit 3 course meals here - ok, there were a handful of times when our youngest was under a year, but with the increased challenges of toddler and a second child, cooking was more about getting it done.

One of the biggest difficulties you've got (aside from your unrealistic attitude and the sexism of many women) is that a mum's mind can really change after she has a baby. I was going back to my very high powered career full time at 6m. My maternal instincts and hormones hit me like a truck so be prepared to share even if it wasn't on her mind before.

I'm sure you can figure out that was supposed to be "out earnt". Context is key.

"In which case, she can complete the BF'ing when home and I can do other household tasks whilst she is doing that..?"

Breastfeeding is around the clock, it can't be completed 'when at home' then go out to work then come back again.

Honestly this thread must be a wind up.

I don’t understand why you’ve come onto Mumsnet and made this post? What did you want to achieve?

To see what the general female opinion of a man that wanted to be a SAHD would be.

I wasn't saying that dads couldn't stay at home at any stage, for various reasons. Just that your statement that mothers and fathers can perform the exact same role in a child's life, after maternity leave, is incorrect. They do meet different needs and the ideal is for a child to be more with their mother than their father in the first three years. Not that women should stay at home for 3 years, just that you need to acknowledge you won't be able to look after the child in the exat same way a mother would.

Having completed 11 hours at work, then putting a toddler to bed , I was just about to start on my household tasks but have just spent 30 minutes reading this bonkers thread.There will be no 3 course meals for me just something that can be made in under 5 minutes and probably eaten whilst simultaneously ironing.
OP whilst you probably have some good intentions it hasn't come across well in this thread.

So what do you believe working mothers that breastfeed do then? If they have a SAHP and the baby won't feed from a bottle, what then?

We’re not affronted by the idea of SAH Dads. We’re affronted by the OP’s deluded attitude that being a SAHP is so easy that it’s entirely plausible that he could keep the house spotless, prepare a candlelit dinner every night and wait on his partner hand and foot when she gets home from work as she’ll be exhausted after a tough day at the office, all while caring for young children all day.

The implication is that if you’re a SAH parent (99% of the time that’s a mother) you should be doing all these things and coping admirably. They’re your ‘duty’. It reads like something from a 1950s women’s magazine. He failed to mention that he’d put a clean apron on, brush his hair and freshen up his pits to welcome his ‘lady’ home.

That sounds so hard. I applaud you for managing and juggling it all. I think this is what the OP just isn't getting (possibly deliberately...). Parents don't just get to wave a magic wand and say "right, this is how life will be!".

My DH had a bad accident a few years back. The pain was so bad he couldn't work, neither could he run around doing his usual 50% of what he usually does. I temporarily dropped to PT while he had halfpay. When he was getting better he tried to look for PT roles, but nowhere was having it with them revolving around my pre-existing shifts. Thankfully he's okay and healthy now, albeit with a limp in cold weather.

The OP is living in a dreamworld.

Perhaps, but often when a mother goes to work and a father becomes a SAHP, this will occur after maternity leave is up, generally. Although they can't look after the child in the same way was you say, the child is no worse off if the father is at home is it?

How do some breastfeeding mothers work then? Because not all are SAHM’s. It might not always be possible for whatever reason but it isn’t impossible.

If that was the case, it wouldn't be allowed to happen!

My mum friends who work have babies who will take bottles, obviously. I don't really understand the question or the point you're trying to make.

And they can't all 'bring baby to work with me', goodness me!😂

I think someone just wanted some attention from women so decided to post here. Ick. 🤮🤮🤮

In terms of this hypothetical situation, IF you ever meet a woman and get to the stage of wanting children together, then discuss it with her. You're not going to be very attractive to any women I know whilst posting crap like this on mumsnet though. Rosa Parks and planning sex in return for childcare and dinner with a hypothetical woman??? I mean, if I was with a man and I found out they had written this stuff, I'd immediately dump him. This thread has given me the creeps.

Oh, and good men don't go around having to tell us they're one of the good ones. Ime, the ones that talk like this are walking 🚩 🚩 🚩. Every one of them.

In which case, she can complete the BF'ing when home and I can do other household tasks whilst she is doing that..?

Have I missed something?Are you suggesting that a baby who will only be breast fed waits for Mum to get home to be fed?

It’s fine to want that but you may want to reflect on how you communicate your thoughts and hopes.

I’m one of the fairly small percentage of women who could actually afford to have a SAHP and your patronizing, pompous and poorly-thought-out vision of what you’d be like as a father put me off instantly.

The very last thing an intelligent and successful career woman wants is to be mansplained to. At length.

The very fact that you wrote this post on a women’s website thinking everyone would swoon and tell you how wonderful - nay, revolutionary - you are tells me everything I need to know about you. You’re a 26 year old boy that has no idea about women, what it takes to be a good partner, and even less about what is required to raise a child.

Everything that you’ve written screams misogyny. The ‘lady’ in this (thankfully) fictitious scenario of yours seems only to exist to satisfy your wants and needs; she gives you a child (which you just know you’ll be amazing at parenting because you’ve had a few compliments on how good you are with other children 😂), looks after it at home only for as long as she’s still in receipt of maternity pay then dutifully fucks back off to work full-time so you can play Gary fucking Poppins all day. Then, she comes back home, eats your elaborate dinners (that you won’t fucking make because being a SAHP is an exhausting, relentless and thankless task) and then give you a blowie once it’s just about digested. I mean, seriously, you’re a joke.

Women don’t need or want to be told what is best for the children that they grew and are bonded to in a way that goes far beyond taking them to the park and making autumnal collages. What women actually want is a partner that defers to them for that steer. A partner that understands that, whether they like it or not, what is best for mum is very really best for baby (and toddler, and child, and teen).

You have no idea.

Maybe get yourself a girlfriend first. Worry about the rest of your trite Hallmark-made-for-TV-esque fantasy later.

Of course he isn’t. He obviously means that baby can be fed with a bottle when mum isn’t there.

How else will it get fed?