I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

You'll never find someone who will agree to be a sole earner or at most part time before you even have kids.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but you have no idea what will happen until you actually have a child.

As I said before, I know lots of SAHD (I am in nordics), but none of them wanted to be one before having children. And they are all financially secure.

You are not a high earner, who either want to be with one or someone who will promise to not want to be a SAHP themselves.

You are delusional if you think any woman will want that.

Your little fantasy is really just that.

Just out of interest, did you grow up with both of your parents?

A man can watch a woman (or another man) walking down the high street with their child and think 'I wouldn't mind that'

Good for you and your future wife. Unfortunately I won't ever make enough money to support the entire family by myself.

That being said, where I'm from the parental leave ia quite generous and most men I know took at least a year to stay with the child. Some took only 2-6 months but that was for financial reasons. I'd side eye every man who didn't take it unless they had a valid reason

"The baby can be bottle-fed as well as breastfed, it's not exclusive."

My babies would not take a bottle no matter what so yet another thing you are clueless about. Some babies need to be breastfed only. Some babies take a bottle but only accept it from mum. Babies are individuals, you can't automatically assume 'the baby can be...' when it comes to anything.

Also the 'child care tasks' don't end when the other parent gets home. You forgot about putting them to bed 😁

My dh gets home and launches himself straight into parenting and whatever else needs doing, your idea that the working parent should get to come home and not lift a finger is ridiculous.

You have got NO IDEA what you'd be like raising your own child and no amount of 'fantastic' babysitting can change that. It's really, really hard beyond what you can even begin to imagine. My youngest woke me up every hour for the first 11 months of her life and it was torture and not 'simple'.

So will your future partner.

Wow you really hate women, don’t you?

Yeah no issues with that but before I had kids I wanted 5. I did tonnes of babysitting, always looked after kids etc. When it’s your own it’s on another level! I can now hand on heart say I was a delusional 😂🤣 You’re worrying and professing too early - wait until you get there. Most likely it won’t be an option financially - if you want it to be start saving now!

I did, my father was a SAHD for a few years when I was a toddler, and I was born in 98!

My mother always told me how brilliant he was and perhaps that has been passed down to me

Regarding the first sentence of your post, are you saying that only women are allowed to want to be a SAHP before kids?

So why can't both parents go PT and share? They are both the parents and can juggle time with kids and both financially contributing so the pressure for finances/childcare is not all on one person - what's unfair about that?

Seriously. Any potential partner will want do the type of work they want to do and also spend time with their child.

As such, good luck both doing part time.

You live in cloud cuckoo land.

If it truly were as simple as both parents only having to work part time, don't you think most parents would already be doing that?

In which case, she can complete the BF'ing when home and I can do other household tasks whilst she is doing that..?

Sounds nice in theory but both part time is actually not ideal. What you'll find is neither moves forward in their career enough to make good money. And coordinating two part time jobs so no childcare is needed is really quite tricky and would require two separate employers to comply.

The issue is that part time jobs these days still require full flexibility.

The working world is not set up for parents as is, never mind what you think you can just walzts into.

You're making this about equality if sex - well sorry to burst your bubble, but when or rather if, you become a parent, you have to do what is right for your circumstances.

So assuming in your marriage, you earnt n x 3 and DH earnt n, both wanted to have time at home with the children, what would you do?

Dh and I were both pt when dd was little so it's absolutely a possibility.
What's ridiculous is your claim that you're a trail blazer, that you'll be cooking 3 course meals and getting a shag regularly, possibly with birds singing whilst they comb your hair.

I love the way some women are affronted by the idea that a man should stay at home while they earn the money and think he couldn’t possibly do it but that they absolutely can and should have the right to!

Nice in theory, but "....I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!" is quite a fantasy.

I've never heard of anyone cooking a 3 course meal after having children all day and then feeling amorous. I was a SAHM for 17 years. I cleaned, did all the housework and childcare, plus voluntary work, and I cooked dinner every night (certainly nothing lavish) and used to be knackered at bedtime.

What magical jobs are part time, will jigsaw perfectly with your partner’s hours and also pay a family wage for comfortable living? Most families have two parents working full time just to break even every month.

"I did, my father was a SAHD for a few years when I was a toddler, and I was born in 98!

My mother always told me how brilliant he was and perhaps that has been passed down to me

Regarding the first sentence of your post, are you saying that only women are allowed to want to be a SAHP before kids?"

No, what I am saying is that you are deciding for both of you before you even have a partner. You are basically saying that your partner has to work full time, or maybe part time, but she won't be able to be a SAHP because you call dibs.

That's why I said most people who are SAHP make that decision together.

If you know you want that and any potential partner can't be SAHP, then you better make sure you are in a good financial standing.

I'm wondering where these amazing part time jobs are that allow for each parent's shift to work around each other, too. Employers offering part time work are so eager to negotiate days for a new starter. No problem at all shuffling everyone else's shift pattern around to accommodate them.

"If we both want to parent, then the only fair thing is for both of us to go part time. It isn't fair for either of our needs to trump the other's, we're equal adults in a marriage"

So if you want to be a sahd then you should get your wish but if the woman wants to be a sahm then she can't and should have to go part time. I'm sorry but that's not equal, you keep spectacularly missing the point.

You're single not an 'equal adult in a marriage' 🙄

Only for a few years, before they start school and one or both can go FT, and then begin to advance.

Op, if you want to be a SAHD then just be clear pretty early on in a relationship that this is what you hope for so you don't get too far down the garden path with someone whose vision for her own future is not aligned with yours.

I am a woman and my husband has always put earned.

Statistically, that is the reality for most families - you're already starting out on an unlikely premise!

But to answer your question - what do our jobs allow?

Because knock knock, here comes reality. Our jobs combined have meant we have had to juggle hours to ensure child care is covered. Our wants don't come into it. Its about what is practical.

I loved children and members of my family said similar things to me that yours have said, I worked in a nursery and initially loved it but over the years I was just exhausted and honestly I still do like children but I haven't had my own because working in the nursery really put me off.

It might be an idea to work with children first.